Note: I originally sent this content to my email list last week. I received such a positive response, I decided to publish it here. This version is slightly longer.
What I write about in this post is the most important thing I learned in my journey to financial independence. Hell, it’s one of the most important things I’ve ever learned. Only took me 4 decades! Better late than never?!
I really do want you to learn from my mistakes.
This isn’t meant to be one of my normal Ask the Readers posts, but if you have thoughts, I’d love to hear them. Leave a comment or send me an email via the contact page if you’re shy.
Happiness
Are you happy? Think about it. Consider yesterday:
- How many times did you smile?
- Were you happy, sad or just going through the motions?
- Did you say “Hi!” to strangers or look away?
- How did you spend your day? Did it bring you fulfillment?
- Did you go to bed content or did worry keep you awake?
- Yesterday was Sunday, so you may not have been at work. However, think about your last day at the job. Was it mostly positive or negative?
I’m asking you about happiness because I lived the wrong way for a long time. I was counting on future events to bring me happiness. These are some of the thoughts I’ve had:
When I get the raise, life is going to be better.
As soon as we move , we’re going to be in a better place.
I need a vacation to get away from my routine.
The biggest event I looked forward to was early retirement. I lived a crazy life to get there as fast as possible. I had this thought so many times, it’s probably tattooed on my brain:
When I leave work, I’m going to be so much happier!
And then I did leave work.
And then I wasn’t any happier.
Don’t get me wrong, leaving work was a good thing and the right choice. I have less stress. My health is vastly improved. Life got better. I’m incredibly grateful that I get to live this life. But, happiness didn’t automatically appear.
I think about my situation frequently because I read comments like this almost every day in the FIRE community:
- I can’t wait to leave my job!
- How do I pass the days until I’m FIREd?
- Only 8 years left to go!
I am guilty of having the same thoughts. I say “guilty” because they were all wrong. I realize now that counting on something external to bring me happiness was silly and misguided. At the age of 44, I know it now. Better late than never.
A friend who recently went through a tough stretch put it this way:
People need to learn that their happiness is their own responsibility, not anyone else’s — friends, family, or politician.
Forward
If you’re on this journey, listen up:
Don’t wish your days away.
If happiness doesn’t come naturally to you, work at it:
- Stop complaining: Instead, figure out a solution. Look at problems as opportunities.
- Control what you can control: There is a lot going on in the world, but most of it has no bearing on your life. And despite what you hear on the news, the world is as good now as it ever was. It’s also getting better.
- Practice gratitude: Be thankful for what you have.
- Do something every day to make someone else’s life a little better: This could be as simple as telling someone you appreciate them.
- Surround yourself with good people: Good people make you better, but also make you want to be better.
Find your joy. No matter what you’re doing or how much your job sucks, there is something to appreciate in each and every day. Make it all count. If something is wrong, fix it now.
So, ask yourself this now:
Are you happy?
If not, do something about it. Most importantly, realize that happiness comes from the inside. Reach down and get it.
Life is too short to live any other way.
Age is a terrible thief. Just when you’re getting the hang of life, it knocks your legs out from under you and stoops your back. –Sara Gruen, Water for Elephants
Addendum (5pm Monday): I reread this post and now I realize that it’s a bit of a downer. One thing I should have said is this: One of the great things about having more time is that you have the luxury to contemplate life, reflect and grow. My first year of FIRE wasn’t everything I expected it to be, but I’m thankful for the lessons that I learned, course corrections and all.
Epilogue: I’m no expert on any of this. I’m still working on myself. Part of my exploration is reading. I’m currently working on this one:
I was skeptical of this book when I first heard about it. Would it just be a bunch of new-age, feel-good stuff? Then, a smart, sciencey friend recommended it, so I picked it up. So far, so good.
The Graying Saver also recommended these:
A reader mentioned this one: The Purpose Driven Life
What other recommendations do you have?
Join the 10s who have signed up already!
Subscribing will improve your life in incredible ways*.
*Only if your life is pretty bad to begin with.
Since I went part-time at work I’m not necessarily more happy, but I am way less stressed. Stress robs happiness, in addition to health. So getting rid of stress is a big first step.
Happiness is hard to measure since it will wax and wane for most of us a lot. But I do hope to get to a place where I’m more happy overall.
I’m with AF. I’m way less stressed and I have a lot more time to find happiness. As a result, I’m way happier. Being miserable at work will drop your overall happiness level by 5 points. Early retirement removed most of the unhappiness in my life so I’m much more satisfied overall.
If you don’t hate work, then ER probably isn’t the answer.
I’m surprised you’re not happier since you left work. Maybe you already were at a good level before ER.
“I’m surprised you’re not happier since you left work.”
I haven’t made the adjustments that I need to yet. I’m still working on it…
Timely post for me. Thanks for writing this, and for the reading recommendations. Monday was a smart day to publish this kind of post.
Thank you!
I think this resonates with all goal driven individuals. When I get X, my life is going to be great or so much better.
Things I have said:
A. When my kids walk it will be easier to do things.
B. Once they talk I can reason with them and get them do understand and do what I ask them to do.
C. Once I get promotored and that raise I will be able to save and spend more money.
While on vacation, next year’s trip is going to be even better.
My main saving grace is having videos and pics of my wife and kids doing stuff that I can review and watch and see how happy I was and am.
To be content would be amazing.
“My main saving grace is having videos and pics of my wife and kids doing stuff that I can review and watch and see how happy I was and am.”
What a great idea! Thank you for that!
“To be content would be amazing.”
I know, right?
Good idea of a post!
“People need to learn that their happiness is their own responsibility, not anyone else’s”
This is so true. One is in charge of his own happiness.
The Poor Swiss recently posted…How to calculate your net worth
Last weekend I was not happy. I blame the 14″ of snow left by a three day blizzard, compounded by a stomach flu. This past weekend I was ecstatic. The sun shone, the snow melted (mostly) and I was able to drink a beer in 65 degree warmth on my deck, sans stomach voodoo.
Think there’s any correlation going on??
Haha!, I like the way you think!
I’ve always told people “Money doesn’t buy happiness, it eliminates misery. Happiness is up to you.”
This post is timely. I’ve been guilty of looking forward to a zero net worth, thinking “THAT’s when things get better.” Meanwhile, things are just fine right now. I’m too busy looking forward to see that where I am is pretty good, too.
That quote is awesome. You said there what I couldn’t.
“I’m too busy looking forward to see that where I am is pretty good, too.”
Yeah! That’s what we all need to do, right? That is, realize how great the present is.
Huh… I guess I am! I’d love a more suitable job but am pleased enough with where I am; the flexibility and benefits would be tough to get elsewhere… and frankly I’ve accepted that inertia is a powerful force and don’t need the stress of a job search in my life right now. Between dozens of friends within walking distance and countless (too many! I’ve had to pare back!) opportunities to perform as a classical musician, I almost never lack companionship or purpose. And folks in our neighborhood smile and wave at each other whenever I’m out walking the dog.
The way I see it, FIRE will just give me more time for what’s important.
Perform as a classical musician? That’s awesome! What instrument do you play?
A younger less-ambitious me got the same SAT scores in math and verbal, so said “screw it” and majored in French horn performance. That degree has been in its mailing tube since the Clinton administration; I’ve meanwhile missed out on seven figures of additional income that my compsci and aerospace engineering friends have been raking in. On the other hand, I spend ten or fifteen hours a week with between four and seventy other people making rad music. It works out. 🙂
My friend, you have your priorities straight! 🙂
This topic is so fascinating to me. In one paragraph, you say “Life got better.” and “happiness didn’t automatically appear.”
How do you balance these thoughts? Sure, nobody should wish their days away. Fine. But based on you first comment this FIRE journey seems like a worthwhile path. Based on the second, maybe we should all blow our life saving on a trip around the world if FIRE does not lead to greater happiness. What gives?
Better and happiness are two different things. I’m in better health and life is better after leaving my job but that doesn’t increase my baseline happiness.
“Based on the second, maybe we should all blow our life saving on a trip around the world if FIRE does not lead to greater happiness.”
Spending more money may give one temporary, short-term happiness, but that’s not the answer either. It is fleeting.
The thing that I wanted to convey most in this post, which I may have failed at, at least with you, is that happiness comes from the inside. Counting on external events to give it to you doesn’t work.
Check out James Noyes comment. He said it eloquently.
Great Monday morning post. I am happy – somewhat. I do feel it is time for a change on the work front, travel, time away from my family are the ” not so happy” times. I need to work on my overall happiness. Thanks for getting me thinking. I also appreciate the fact that we can’t live for the future, we need to live in the now and present. This is something I try to do, but can be hard when trying to reach FIRE.
FIbythecommonguy recently posted…Dividend Income Update – March 2018
For me, contentment = happiness. In the past I was always comparing myself to someone else, letting things out of my control rule my life, search for something to bring me temporary happiness like a vacation or a new purchases, but then went back to the regular day-to-day and I was still unhappy. Once I started giving a crap less about things outside of my control and valuing the things I already have (great wife, three healthy kids, job, home, dogs, etc) my happiness level went up and stayed there. Sure there are still moments where I catch myself comparing or complaining, but I’m more aware of it now and snap myself out of it.
Brian recently posted…Kid Finance: Money Teachings And A Dad’s Bleating
This is the truth:
“People need to learn that their happiness is their own responsibility, not anyone else’s — friends, family, or politician.”
One of many findings that struck me in “The Blue Zones of Happiness” is that people in the happiest parts of the world get 5 to 6 hours of socialization a day. I’m not sure I get that in a week. After reading that stat I had my usual over-reaction: “We need to sell everything so we can buy a half-million fixer upper in downtown Raleigh so I’ll be happy!!!!”
Over a few weeks I’ve calmed down and realize that getting more socialization is just something I need to work on. And like so many other things, throwing money at the problem isn’t necessarily the answer.
Brian @ The Graying Saver recently posted…Eating Food for Money
“One of many findings that struck me in “The Blue Zones of Happiness” is that people in the happiest parts of the world get 5 to 6 hours of socialization a day.”
Fascinating, but it makes sense. Humans are social animals. We didn’t evolve to live in our own silos, but that’s what it’s become for many of us.
“Over a few weeks I’ve calmed down and realize that getting more socialization is just something I need to work on.”
Come out to Colorado! I have a nice porch to sit on where we could work on those socialization skills! I sure as hell could use some improvement in that area too!
Boulder, CO is one of the U.S. locations profiled in “The Blue Zones of Happiness”. So I figured ya’ll were all sittin’ around smiling at each other and enjoying nature’s bounty.
Can’t remember if it was in the book or in a podcast I listened to, but Blue Zones author Dan Buettner stressed the importance of hangin’ on the front porch and eschewing the privacy of the back deck.
Brian @ The Graying Saver recently posted…Eating Food for Money
Boulder! I don’t live there, but I”m not far.
Front porch! I have a huge one! Come on down!
This is something I’ve had to struggle with a bit. I ended up making a plan to leave my old job, even though it was low stress, the people were generally great, I could retire in five years if I stayed the course, and I had no job offer elsewhere (despite actively looking for months — I wanted to make sure any new job would be better). The work itself drained my happiness like none other.
Now? I wonder why I didn’t leave sooner. I was waiting out the educational reimbursement, but in the end, I actually stayed with the same company and just switched departments. I could have done that *at least* a year earlier. Now I’m usually happy with my projects (revolving projects, so I get pretty drastically different work every year or so), and I could see working part-time or on a consulting basis in the future, even though we will be able to FIRE in a year or so.
Heck, even now my husband is most likely going to jump ship from his current job, despite having ~23% of his annual salary vesting next year in restricted stock units. It’s not worth it to be bored and dreading work for another whole year+.
For recommendations, Happy Money is a great book for how to spend money in a way that makes you happiest long-term. It’s an interesting book in that it doesn’t say you should spend *less*, just *differently*, and it’s based on lots of scientific studies on happiness. 🙂 Sort of related, Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less was an interesting read, especially for anyone who feels overwhelmed. Also sort of related, The Willpower Instinct book is a good read for anyone who knows they want to change some habits for general wellbeing or happiness but struggles to do so. It has a general mindfulness bent, which is fantastic mindset in general. 😀
Felicity recently posted…Personal Finance Rules Are For Dicks
Thanks so much for the recommendations!
“It’s not worth it to be bored and dreading work for another whole year.”
He is wise.
I was surprised to hear you say you weren’t any happier even when you left work!
I am not sure I have ever been consistently happy unless on vacation. I always feel terrible if I’m not doing something productive unless when on vacation. I know I need to work on that, but putting it off is always so easy… I think meditating helps me. I use the headspace app.
Olivia recently posted…50 Favorite Cheap, Tasty, or Unique Eats In NYC
Thanks to experiences from others before me (you and others), I knew not to hitch my happiness wagon to whether I had a job or not. Life after quitting for me isn’t easier, but the rewards I get are better and more meaningful because of the work I put into them.
I once had an ex boyfriend complain I wasn’t making him happy. He had problems and relying on me to fix them was not the right answer. That is when I learned I am not responsible for anyone’s happiness but my own. That behavior is toxic and I’m glad I got away!
“Life after quitting for me isn’t easier, but the rewards I get are better and more meaningful because of the work I put into them.”
Nice. I hope to be there soon.
Happiness is spiritual. It must come from in. I’m a Christian, and yes, I’m happy. You should seek God if you’re unhappy.
For me, the difference was pretty huge. After leaving my job I was WAY happier. Not like “bounce up and down” happier, but still happy.
Maybe it was the stress level, maybe it was more time with the kids, OR maybe I’m just getting more exercise…
Whatever the case, it was a huge improvement in my life! I’d definitely do it again!
Mr. Tako recently posted…Darth Vader And The Path To FIRE
Life is full of paradox. Self awareness is a great quality to have, but with it comes some level of discontent. By that I mean, if I am a person that thinks deeply about my life, what I like or don’t like about it becomes obvious. That motivates me to change certain things to move toward happiness.
For example, I am in debt, my home is cluttered, my relationships aren’t beneficial, my job is soul-sucking, and so on. Clearly, there needs to be movement and change in those areas that will indeed increase my level of happiness. On the other hand, there are really great things about my life that I am very content with, that add to my level of happiness. I’ll continue investing in those things.
I guess my point is, dissatisfaction is a powerful tool to move me to a better version of myself. The trick is keeping it in balance with satisfaction. That’s what I’m trying to do these days!
I read two books by Gretchen Rubin: The Happiness Project and Better Than Before. I highly recommend both of them if you’re interested in this topic!
Thank you for this. I also just read your Stop Waiting For More post. Simple, but powerful:
“This morning, I took some time to enjoy where I am now.”
How many of us take the time to look around every once in a while and appreciate it? I know I don’t do it nearly enough. Thank you for the reminder!
I received a gift of travel from my parents when I graduated from college. This was the most important gift they ever gave me, and at the perfect time. I stayed with a friend’s family (friend graduated with me) at their modest home in Belize City, and we spent a week with another family friend on their fishing caye. It was eye opening to me at the beginning of my working life, to see how difficult work could be (backbreaking physical labor) to get by at a basic level, but everyone I met expressed nothing but happiness in their lives. This trip gave me an appreciation of my own fortune…. my education, my friends and family, my health, my home. No job I ever had took away the feeling that if they could be happy with their more difficult lives, I had no excuse to be ungrateful or upset. It’s been nearly 30 years, and I still enjoy the little things that make my life comfortable and bring me satisfaction, and I remember the lessons of that journey with thanks.
Incredible. Thank you for sharing!
i was in new orleans two weeks ago with about a dozen friends, some from there and some from out of town. it’s my favorite place and we had a few fancy meals and such. even with all that and all the fun the place brings we all could have had the same happiness anywhere with that tremendous group of friends sharing a bunch of good conversation and laughter. it had nothing to do with the city of the venue it turns out.
i’ve found as i get older i get the greatest happiness out of social interactions with friends or strangers. for instance, yesterday was the first nice day of the year and i was out for a couple of hours with the dog and ran into a half a dozen people i knew and said a quick hello and the sun was shining and happiness flowed everywhere.
freddy smidlap recently posted…So, you like the idea of owning a big old f’ing house?
Freddy – science confirms what you experienced while you were out with the pup:
http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0146167214529799
The book “Happy City” by Charles Montgomery also discusses this phenomenon in a more accessible way.
Brian @ The Graying Saver recently posted…Eating Food for Money
Happiness is as much an internal situation as a product of environment. Changing the environment as such can often times not lead to happiness. Instead focusing on things like gratitude, family, etc is the key imho. I’m happy if sometimes stressed.
I early retired 11 years ago in my 30s. Unlike most FI bloggers, I mostly liked my job, and more travel was not really a consideration for me as work never deterred me from travel. My first job actually contributed to my travel experiences as we had facilities all over the world. I’d already been to over 30 countries before retiring.. I worked a lot of hours, but I also got 1-2 hours of exercise every day, worked on very impactful technology that’s making a big difference in the world, had a 190k salary (this was 11 years ago…) with considerably more valuable equity compensation (would be worth millions now).. During my last couple of years, my company allowed me to work completely location independent, and also gave me the option of working in China, with housing paid for while retaining my US compensation. I walked away from all of this.
11 years later, I think I’m happier. My life is so different now it’s very hard to compare. During these 11 years, I lived overseas for several years, explored even more, dated a lot, became fluent at Chinese, built up a real estate income stream, donated a lot, started a family. It’s an alternate life from that one decision to early retire.
I think I had the opportunity to achieve the same level of happiness either way. If I had kept working, my net worth would be astronomical not just from compensation but also from ability to take more risks (I retired right before the financial crisis), I would probably be living in a mansion, be funding start-ups, be involved even more in gift-giving. I would have had less time than I did to pursue outside interests. But I’ve realized that how much time I put into my work was more on me than the demands of my company. I pushed myself way harder than I had to because that was my personality.
I think one key point I’ve learned is, you can always improve your situation. You can choose to make little changes (work less, change jobs, change locations, improve yourself to the point that you are valuable to any employer and in full control of your career) or drastic changes (early retire). You can find happiness either way, and it doesn’t really depend on your work situation.
Did that make any sense?
It makes perfect sense and was exactly what I was thinking when I wrote this. You have to work at happiness. It comes from you.
I was happy in FIRE but hedonic adaptation has set it. I am now merely deeply content.
Financial Velociraptor recently posted…Monday Trades
This is definitely one of the key things to remember… hedonic adaptation always sets in.
A lot of the folks brought up good points in the comments… with FIRE, you probably have more time to think about where you are and life in general and obsess about any perceived gaps.
If you balance that (probably) critical introspection with some mindfullness, you might become more aware of the hedonic treadmill at work…
There’s a lot of research out there on this…. try googling happiness set point, happiness treadmill, etc.
Happiness isn’t a GOAL at the end of the rainbow, to be achieved through the right combination of capital & project management (as someone mentioned, that’s for removing misery)… it’s a journey with hills and valleys.
The good news is, all other things being equal, humans generally get happier the older they get…
https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2018/03/how-to-find-joy/
Keep reading and thinking my friend, I think you are happier than you know
Wise words Wendy! I’m definitely getting old, so that increased happiness should kick in any day!
In my first job out of college, I was excited it was a Friday. I shared my excitement with an older co-worker that was sitting next to me. She did say something profound, to the tune of a statement in your article:
“We are wishing our lifes away”
Hope you find your happiness!
Dividend Growth Investor recently posted…Five Dividend Growth Stocks Boosting Shareholder Distributions
Great post! I really think that it’s very important to have some sort of idea/vision for your life, that you can start living at any moment. You don’t have to wait till FI to be kind to people, to enjoy the simple things in life like a walk through the forest, to enjoy just being a couch potato for a little while with someone you love.
However, sometimes while working towards goals, it can be easy to just focus on those goals and – as Dividend Growth Investor mentions – wish our our lifes away. One of the things I try to do every day, is read a little piece from The Daily Stoic, which is a book with ‘366 meditations on wisdom, perseverance, and the art of living’. It has very strong correlations with (the desire to be) FI, but it also focuses on what it means to be a good person and to lead a meaningful life. It’s by Ryan Holiday, if you want to check it out!
Hi Adine!
That book is on my list. That you mentioned it makes me want to read it even more though. I like Holiday’s stuff.
I really enjoyed this post. I shudder with mental health issues and being happy is a challenge to say the least. I spent alot of my 20s not wanting to be alive and now I’m in my 30s I have all the life lessons I should have learned in my 20s to learn since I didn’t think I would make it this far.
LMF-
” I spent a lot of my 20s not wanting to be alive…”
I’m sorry to hear about your struggles. Mental illness runs in my family, so I’ve seen the struggle firsthand. It’s not easy.
It sounds like you’re doing better now though and I’m happy for you. Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you ever need anything.
Great post! I’ve been thinking about this same topic quite a bit recently. My brother recommended “a guide to the good life” by William B. Irvine to me. The book is focused on stoicism and has a lot of practical tools to help you find tranquility. I just finished it and I have had good early returns on some of the techniques he recommends.
Thanks so much for the recommendation! I’ve been obsessed with Stoicism lately, so I’ll definitely have a look at this book.
The video recordings of Harvard’s Positive Psychology 1504, by professor Tal Ben-Shahar, are available on YouTube. The quality of the video isn’t great but the content is beyond great. I’ve watched everything and want to re-watch and take notes. I highly recommend it. It is packed with countless science-based insights and actionable methods. If FIRE is one pillar of a good life, then positive psychology is the other.
Augustin, thank you so much for the recommendation. Much appreciated.
“If FIRE is one pillar of a good life, then positive psychology is the other.”
Love it. And the latter is probably much more important.
I enjoyed Man Search for Meaning, a classic in this area of study. I’m also reading up and trying to practice Stoicism, so far I’ve finding both helpful. I stepped away from work almost 3 years ago now and can relate to some of the things you are experiencing. It appears you are on the right path.
I just finished Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search For Meaning.” Dr. Frankl was a psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor. In his book, he describes his days in camp as well as the humanity of everyone involved – prisoner and guard. “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing, the last of the human freedoms–to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to chose one’s own way. Suffering ceases to be suffering the moment it finds meaning.”
The irony is that my last job focused greatly on happiness is a choice. You get to CHOOSE if you want to be happy today or not. It’s much easier said than done. For me, the best thing is to focus on what is making you happy and trying to let the rest roll off your back.
My dad has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. It’s a terrible disease. And I could focus on what all it is taking from us. Instead, I focus on the good days. The days where he can tell you stories (mostly about growing up, but still…stories). On days where he has no idea what day it is or if he’s even had supper, I try to go back to the positive memories. And I remember that I gave up a good job in a better city to enjoy these years. It puts retirement off for me, but I knew we were running out of good years, even before he was diagnosed.
Life is about trade offs. I think it’s less an issue of, “are you happy,” and more an issue of, “are you happy with your decision?”
I’m so sorry to hear about the diagnosis. Alzheimer’s is a terrible thing for everyone involved. Probably much worse for the family.
Thank you for sharing.