I usually keep my distance from doughnuts, but I’ve heard that they’re a big deal in Portland where I’ll be for spring break. There are two spots that I keep reading about; Voodoo and Blue Star. I have decided that I’ll let my guard down and try a doughnut from each. When in Rome and all that sh*t. And to maximize my experience, I decided to do a little research ahead of time. First, I went to Blue Star’s site:
Blue Star Donuts (Rated G)
These three all look spectacular (how am I going to choose?):
These two also look pretty good:
Voodoo Donuts (Rated XXX)
And then, I went over to Voodoo’s site. These three are all innocent and look good:
And these two look fantastic:
I scrolled a little more and the trouble started:
The one in the middle looks interesting, but what do I do about Voodoo Doll and Cock-N-Balls?
Is that a doughnut in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
And then there was this one:
Do I let my daughters learn about male anatomy in a doughnut shop? We usually let our kids order their own food, but what do I do here?
My 8-year-old likes cream filled-doughnuts. Do I let my 8-year-old say this?
Hi, I’d like a Cock-N-Balls.
Do I let my 11-year-old say this?
May I please have a Butterfingering?
It’s all so so so VERY wrong.
Besides all of that, I noticed that Voodoo doesn’t have any doughnut representations of the female anatomy. Or, maybe I’m wrong here. Most doughnuts have a… Oh, never mind…
I’m really sorry for this post if you’re reading it at work. Unless you happen to work at Voodoo Doughnuts; it would probably be OK then…
At some point, I learned that the half-marathon has Peeps on the course. Who needs Gatorade when you can have sugar in the form of fluorescent, deformed animals?
I love Peeps and always have. I also like beer and also found this:
If there are Peeps on the course, I will eat Peeps. If there is beer at the end of the course, I will drink beer. Hell, I’m going to put Peeps in my beer and drink that too. You wish I was kidding here, but I’m not. It. Will. Happen.
Oh yeah, I guess I have to run too. Peeps and beer are fun. Running is the opposite of fun. I tried to think of ways to make the half-marathon less miserable, but none of my ideas were any good:
- Dress up like a giant Peep: Too sticky.
- Rent a Segway: I’d be kicked out and then no Peeps or beer.
- Beer before the run: No.
- Beer during the run: Probably not, but maybe.
- Get Mrs. 1500 to run the course to egg me on:
Mrs. 1500 note: Hard “no.”
- Get Mrs. 1500 to stand next to the course and throw eggs at me to spur me on:
Mrs. 1500 note: I can get behind this one.
My response: Can they at least be Cadbury Eggs?
Just when I thought all hope was lost, I came up with something. I won’t dress up like a Peep, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t adorn myself with them. Here is how I’m going to run the race:
My Peepl necklace is a little pathetic. Why only two? I had yellow Peeps too. Until I didn’t.
A Macabre Scene
Frugalsaurus and Spendosaurus are the mascots of 1500 Days. Frugalsaurus is the green one:
In case you’re dense, Spendosaurus is the villainous one. Or so I thought.
Frugalsaurus must have felt threatened by my incessant Peep talk. I’m sure he didn’t appreciate the 3,837 Peeps laying around the house either. I came home to a scene straight out of a Stephen King novel:
I was supposed to have a 10-mile run this week. However, I made a bad decision that destroyed all hopes of that. On the day I was supposed to run 10 miles, I had only ingested Soylent. Around mile 7, my stomach started feeling weird. At mile 8.5, it went into a full-on revolt. I clenched up (TMI ALERT!!!) and got home as fast as I could. My 10-mile day became a 9-mile day.
This Week In Running
- Runs: 3
- Miles: 18
- Longest run: 9 miles
This Year In Running
- Runs: 38
- Miles per run: 4.10
- Miles: 156 (goal is > 150)
- Days until half marathon: 8
2018 Activity (walking included)
- Total steps: 1,308,533
- Total miles: 620.67
Weight, Heart, Beer
- Weight: 156 (goal is < 150)
- Low resting heart rate for the week: 61 (goal is < 60)
- Beers consumed this week: 4
- Beers consumed this year: 49
- Beer ratio: 3.18:1 (3.18 miles ran per beer). Goal is > 3:1
I only have two more runs before the big race. I’ll put in a 4-mile day on Saturday and then a 3-miler on Monday. I’ll take the rest of the week to rest. Almost there.
We leave for Portland tomorrow. It’s the girls’ spring break, so we’re going to fool around in the Pacific Northwest for the week. If anyone is in Portland and would like to meet:
- Real estate nerds!: My wife, Mindy of BiggerPockets, is having a meetup.
- The WoWs, JD Roth, Mrs. 1500, me, Peeps, Frugalsaurus (unarmed), Spendosaurs and some other fun characters are going to support the local microbrewery scene after the half marathon on 3/31. Get a hold of one of us if you’d like to join.
Greece Chautauqua (no dirty doughnuts)
The 2018 edition of Chautauqua is now completely sold out. All hope is not lost though:
- Waitlist: To be notified of any potential openings, sign up here.
- Future Chautauquas: To be the first to learn about the 2019 Chautauqua, sign up here.
- Peeps: I lied. There probably won’t be Peeps at Chautauqua, but who knows? Maybe Peeps are big in Greece?
Join the 10s who have signed up already!
Subscribing will improve your life in incredible ways*.
*Only if your life is pretty bad to begin with.