Doughnuts Obscene
I usually keep my distance from doughnuts, but I’ve heard that they’re a big deal in Portland where I’ll be for spring break. There are two spots that I keep reading about; Voodoo and Blue Star. I have decided that I’ll let my guard down and try a doughnut from each. When in Rome and all that sh*t. And to maximize my experience, I decided to do a little research ahead of time. First, I went to Blue Star’s site:
Blue Star Donuts (Rated G)
These three all look spectacular (how am I going to choose?):
These two also look pretty good:
Voodoo Donuts (Rated XXX)
And then, I went over to Voodoo’s site. These three are all innocent and look good:
And these two look fantastic:
I scrolled a little more and the trouble started:
The one in the middle looks interesting, but what do I do about Voodoo Doll and Cock-N-Balls?
Is that a doughnut in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
And then there was this one:
Do I let my daughters learn about male anatomy in a doughnut shop? We usually let our kids order their own food, but what do I do here?
My 8-year-old likes cream filled-doughnuts. Do I let my 8-year-old say this?
Hi, I’d like a Cock-N-Balls.
Do I let my 11-year-old say this?
May I please have a Butterfingering?
It’s all so so so VERY wrong.
Besides all of that, I noticed that Voodoo doesn’t have any doughnut representations of the female anatomy. Or, maybe I’m wrong here. Most doughnuts have a… Oh, never mind…
I’m really sorry for this post if you’re reading it at work. Unless you happen to work at Voodoo Doughnuts; it would probably be OK then…
Peeps (Again)
At some point, I learned that the half-marathon has Peeps on the course. Who needs Gatorade when you can have sugar in the form of fluorescent, deformed animals?
I love Peeps and always have. I also like beer and also found this:
If there are Peeps on the course, I will eat Peeps. If there is beer at the end of the course, I will drink beer. Hell, I’m going to put Peeps in my beer and drink that too. You wish I was kidding here, but I’m not. It. Will. Happen.
Oh yeah, I guess I have to run too. Peeps and beer are fun. Running is the opposite of fun. I tried to think of ways to make the half-marathon less miserable, but none of my ideas were any good:
- Dress up like a giant Peep: Too sticky.
- Rent a Segway: I’d be kicked out and then no Peeps or beer.
- Beer before the run: No.
- Beer during the run: Probably not, but maybe.
- Get Mrs. 1500 to run the course to egg me on:
Mrs. 1500 note: Hard “no.”
- Get Mrs. 1500 to stand next to the course and throw eggs at me to spur me on:
Mrs. 1500 note: I can get behind this one.
My response: Can they at least be Cadbury Eggs?
Just when I thought all hope was lost, I came up with something. I won’t dress up like a Peep, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t adorn myself with them. Here is how I’m going to run the race:
My Peepl necklace is a little pathetic. Why only two? I had yellow Peeps too. Until I didn’t.
A Macabre Scene
Frugalsaurus and Spendosaurus are the mascots of 1500 Days. Frugalsaurus is the green one:
In case you’re dense, Spendosaurus is the villainous one. Or so I thought.
Frugalsaurus must have felt threatened by my incessant Peep talk. I’m sure he didn’t appreciate the 3,837 Peeps laying around the house either. I came home to a scene straight out of a Stephen King novel:
Running Update
I was supposed to have a 10-mile run this week. However, I made a bad decision that destroyed all hopes of that. On the day I was supposed to run 10 miles, I had only ingested Soylent. Around mile 7, my stomach started feeling weird. At mile 8.5, it went into a full-on revolt. I clenched up (TMI ALERT!!!) and got home as fast as I could. My 10-mile day became a 9-mile day.
This Week In Running
- Runs: 3
- Miles: 18
- Longest run: 9 miles
This Year In Running
- Runs: 38
- Miles per run: 4.10
- Miles: 156 (goal is > 150)
- Days until half marathon: 8
2018 Activity (walking included)
- Total steps: 1,308,533
- Total miles: 620.67
Weight, Heart, Beer
- Weight: 156 (goal is < 150)
- Low resting heart rate for the week: 61 (goal is < 60)
- Beers consumed this week: 4
- Beers consumed this year: 49
- Beer ratio: 3.18:1 (3.18 miles ran per beer). Goal is > 3:1
I only have two more runs before the big race. I’ll put in a 4-mile day on Saturday and then a 3-miler on Monday. I’ll take the rest of the week to rest. Almost there.
We leave for Portland tomorrow. It’s the girls’ spring break, so we’re going to fool around in the Pacific Northwest for the week. If anyone is in Portland and would like to meet:
- Real estate nerds!: My wife, Mindy of BiggerPockets, is having a meetup.
- The WoWs, JD Roth, Mrs. 1500, me, Peeps, Frugalsaurus (unarmed), Spendosaurs and some other fun characters are going to support the local microbrewery scene after the half marathon on 3/31. Get a hold of one of us if you’d like to join.
Greece Chautauqua (no dirty doughnuts)
The 2018 edition of Chautauqua is now completely sold out. All hope is not lost though:
- Waitlist: To be notified of any potential openings, sign up here.
- Future Chautauquas: To be the first to learn about the 2019 Chautauqua, sign up here.
- Peeps: I lied. There probably won’t be Peeps at Chautauqua, but who knows? Maybe Peeps are big in Greece?
Join the 10s who have signed up already!
Subscribing will improve your life in incredible ways*.
*Only if your life is pretty bad to begin with.
Omg the butterfinger one looks so good. Where is the pic of the maple bacon one?! That one is heavenly I hear. At least from friends who have been.
I’m working on the NYC list of fun places, and have decided to turn it into a blog post instead so when someone else asks I can just point to it. ?? optimizing template answers? Efficiency at its height.
You’re going to love Dough in NYC. They have a creme brûlée doughnut that that is literally my favorite doughnut ever.
Butterfinger! I know, right? This may be the one I go for!
Run, Forrest, RUN!!!
Good luck you, dirty old bum. I expect you to shave clean and start working on your ping pong skills after this running phase…
Lt. Dan
“I expect you to shave clean and start working on your ping pong skills after this running phase….”
I know, right? Funny you mention ping-pong because I just played last week. The problem is the balls kept getting lost in my beard. Oh wow, that didn’t come out right.
Well, I got tell you: this post made me so hungry. ahaha
Great images. I will write a more meaningful comment, but I got to go to the kitchen!
See you in a while.
:))
I know, right? Those donuts look awesome!!!
Wouldn’t chocolate eggs filled with cream hurt more than regular eggs? Just *throwing* that out there (laughs to self for a good 4 minutes).
I feel like I should have tracked all the running around I do chasing my toddler and baby. I’m sure we’ve done about the same distance 😛
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I would try to catch the creme eggs in my mouth like the marshmallows in Blue Man Group: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbDiyo1ocqg
Good luck! I’ll be thinking of you next Saturday! Maybe I’ll try to run 13.1 by myself in solidarity, but there won’t be any peeps. Dolphins maybe on the beach, but no peeps. =)
As for the doughnuts, any that you can’t finish I am sure Mr PoP would be happy to help take care of. He has been known to enjoy a gourmet doughnut or two.
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Dolphins >>> Peeps! Wait, do they make a Dolphin Peep???
I guess you missed the “Chocolate Triple Penetration” That one isn’t exactly G-Rated either.
Regardless. If you continue the Soylent diet, I’m hoping they have port-o-potties along the side of the race route. Otherwise this could get interesting… how much do you think an indecent exposure citation is in Portland?
Can you believe it’s almost here? One week from tomorrow.
I have one more longish run I want to do tomorrow, then yeah, there’s not much else we’re gonna be able to do but coast into the race.
Hmm… I’ll have to come up with something to run in as well.
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So you’re going to……… West Coast into the race? ahahhahaaaaa
Chocolate Triple Penetration! Yikes! That is the foulest one yet. And I’m cutting out the Soylent in Portland. I cannot take a chance with that!!!
Good luck with the run. I don’t like Voodoo. The line is always around the block. I don’t have time to stand around for 30 minutes. Blue Star is much easier and probably better too.
I wasn’t impressed with Voodoo when I tried it 15 years ago. Maybe they’re better now.
See you in Portland!
30 minutes for a donut? Hell no! What if I go at 6am though?
See you soon!
Knock ’em dead out there! Show those Wednesday Wafflers and Slowly Rich Getters who’s boss!
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Haha, I am slower than both of them, but thanks for the encouragement!
Dang now I really wish I could be there. I love Boston Creme doughnuts and if I was there I’d probably have to go straight for the Cock-n-Balls…. it looks so good.
Maybe you could get Mrs. 1500 to wait at the finish with a Memphis Mafia for encouragement. Or someone to chase you with a CnB. Either could work but I hope you have a good time out there!
Also I thought the photobomb in the dino pic was gold.
You really like the Cock-N-Balls, don’t you? I like it too. It looks a little big for me though. Dunno if I can fit all of that in my mouth. Yikes!
Marshmallows in beer isn’t bad. There is a brewery here that does that. Of course, Peeps are like normal marshmallows, which leads me to the conclusion, it will either be epically awesome or epically bad, no middle ground
I’ll have a full report on what Peeps taste like in beer after the race…
you do know that we have a Voodoo donuts here in Denver, right?? Maybe save yourself that 30-min. wait. I also do believe that they are the ones that will sell you “day old” donuts in a 5-gallon bucket for $5. (Day old usually means made that morning and you buy that afternoon). Our office manager used to go during lunch and bring them back for the office. It’s quite awesome, though I do like the cake donuts from The Donut House here in Denver the best.
Yes, and I had one a long time ago and thought it was pretty great! Maybe the original will be even better??
A lot of this depends on what type of donut you like. For example, I’m not a fan of the denser cake donuts so although the flavors are good, I still just don’t like Blue Star Donuts. My husband thinks that Blue Star is amazing and Voodoo is overrated, but I still like the “Old Dirty Bastard” because it has Oreos and Peanut Butter. The only donut that we both agree on without question is Pip’s Original. Our universal favorite is the “Dirty Wu” named after Reggie Lee’s Grimm character. It’s one of the main places I recommend any visitor stop. Welcome to Portland!
Oh wow, more donuts to try! I’m not going to be able to run!
Thanks for the welcome! I can’t wait to visit your fine city!!!
We went to Portland last month and Blue Star Donuts was good! We skipped Voodoo Donuts since we have a similar shop in the Bay Area called Psycho Donuts (plus the line was like 1 1/2 hours long). Pine State Biscuits was our favorite meal of the trip. Good luck with the half marathon!
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Pine State Biscuits!! I just added it to my list! Thanks!
And 1.5 hours for a &^%$ing donut? Are people insane???
You just took “food porn” to a whole new level.
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I visited Portland for four months and it’s one of those places that embeds itself deep in your soul. Blue Star Donuts over Voodoo any day, but the ambiance and tourist factor at VooDoo is pretty great. I believe Voodoo does so much business now they’ve switched to pre-made mixes so if you’re in it for taste, these aren’t the donuts you’re looking for -but honestly, if you pile butterfinger crumbles on anything you can’t go wrong. The one place that isn’t overrated, I recommend to everyone visiting, and I still stalk online is Salt & Straw; They are an ice cream shop that changes their flavors every month and you can sample as many as you’d like (and you should). I’m not even an ice cream fan and I fell in love. Some of their regular flavors include Strawberry Honey Balsamic with Black Pepper, Roasted Strawberry Coconut, and Pear & Blue Cheese. Have a great trip!
Your assessment of Blue Star over Voodoo is consistent with everyone else’s. However, I’m still trying both. For science. Yeah, that’s it… 🙂
Salt & Straw! I’m there! Thank you for the recommendation!
That ice cream sounds amazing! Next time I make it to Portland I know where I’m going…
My vote is the blueberry bourbon basil. Looks delicious. You might have to sign up for another half marathon after this one, I’m going to miss your update posts.
I’m a donut snob… I judge based on how well they can do a ‘plain’ donut… is the cake density good…not too heavy/greasy and has good crumb? the outside crispy? does it have that wonderful touch of nutmeg and spices? do you feel happy when you’re eating it and make little impolite noises or do you feel vaguely sick half way through like you’ve dragged your tongue through lard…?
If they can’t do a ‘plain’ correctly, I figure they are hiding their baking mediocrity under sugar and shocking combinations… Not that I’m super judgmental or anything…(!)
FWIW, I’ve had both voodoo and blue star in portland several times… so far, blue star is in the lead.
You should try several from both before you judge…. and then immediately fly to Portland, ME and try a Holy Donut. 🙂
So I’m as ready as I’ll ever be for The Stagger next Saturday… I’ve maxed out my ‘Couch to 5K’ app at the 30min continues stagger/jog/run and haven’t keeled over dead yet, so I figure I’m good to go, to run/walk the 10k… maybe Mrs. WoW can carry me…?
Holy crap, it’s clear that you know your donuts. Are you a closeted Doughnutologist? (Donutologist to the layperson)
Everyone is saying that Blue Star is better than Voodoo, but your assessment confirms it. Kinda like the ending to Julius Caesar:
If that makes any sense…
But but but, I’m still gonna try Voodoo. For research purposes of course…
Ha! If I knew my dough, I’d already be FI.
You should definitely practice good science and do your research!
Design your experiment and be sure to document your results with twenty-seven eight by ten glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one….
(bonus points if you know what song this is from)
I was training for a marathon last year, then I had a really bad back injury from sports. It’s been almost a year and I’m still not able to run like I used to. Oh well that’s life I guess.
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Wow, some of those doughnuts look fantastic and now I am hungry. I could go for a peanut cake one right now! Best of luck with your run and hope you have fun!
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Oh wow, those are some fine looking doughnuts! Next time we are in near the west coast of the US, we have to make a detour!
Still over the 3:1 beer ratio eh, impressive! Must be a struggle 😉
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