I like to think that I have the mind of an entrepreneur. I’m always looking for creative ways to solve problems and have always dreamed of starting a business. That dream is about to become reality. I’ve had to keep it a secret until now. However, today I am able to tell you about my spanking new business!
Solving a pressing issue in my town
When you see a problem, you have two choices:
- Complain about it
- Do something about it it
A couple months ago, I wrote about how the poor residents of my town were suffering. At the local fitness facility, they were forced to park in the overflow lot, making them walk an extra 100 feet. My townsfolk were not happy and who can blame them? No one should be expected to put up with extra walking at the gym. What has the world come to?
My brain started churning. How could I help these poor people? I quickly came up with a solution, but it didn’t stop there. The ideas flowed and before I knew it, I had come up with a whole roster of services to make life easier at the gym. I wrote up a business plan and presented it to the manager of the facility. He enthusiastically embraced my vision which I present to you today. I’m proud to introduce my new company, I.D.L.E. (I Don’t Like Exercise).
I.D.L.E. will change the way you exercise
We are all stressed these days. We have awful jobs, crabby spouses and unruly children. We never have enough time for TV, video games or a heaping pile of nachos topped with heart clogging, fake cheese. On top of all this misery that life throws at us, we’re expected to exercise too? Come on now.
I created I.D.L.E. to make life easier at the gym. Through a menu of services, I guarantee that you’re going to start enjoying your gym time.
Valet service: Who likes to walk? No one! Now, you don’t have to. Drive up to the front of the gym and let a valet do all of that walking for you. This service will cut precious seconds off of the parking lot walk which you can now use for walking on the treadmill. You’ll wonder how you lived without I.D.L.E. valets.
Segway rental: What is even worse than walking? Running. If you say that you enjoy this torture, you’re clearly lying. It’s pure awfulness. With our Segway rental service, you’ll be able to “run” your laps in style! It doesn’t stop there though. We’ve outfitted the Segways with super-sized drink holders (64 ounces baby!) After a couple laps on one of these machines, you’ll wonder why you ever ran.
- Neighbor: How was your workout?
- You: Awesome! I did 100 laps! 8 miles baby!
- Neighbor: Whoah! You are a fitness god!
Snack Bar: I know what you’re thinking, the gym currently has a snack bar. But it’s stocked with food no one wants to eat. Granola bars? Vegetables? That stuff is for rabbits and horses. I.D.L.E. will take over management of the snack bar and the first thing we’re going to do is overhaul the menu. Goodbye nuts, hello funnel cakes! Goodbye Gatorade, hello 64 ounces of Mountain Dew. No diet items here, either. Pure cane sugar, just like it should be. After a couple laps on the Segway, treat yourself to a piece of pizza or hot fudge sundae. You deserve it!
Workout stand-in: You don’t change your own oil. You don’t mow your own lawn. Why are you still doing your own exercise? For a low monthly price, I.D.L.E. will provide you with an athlete who will do your exercise for you. Imagine sitting at home watching TV while your stand-in lifts weights, rides the exercise bike and swims laps for you. Incredible, isn’t it? For an extra $25/month, upgrade to a cheerleader or football player from the local college!
I.D.L.E. is coming to a city near you
I can’t tell you how excited I am about this new venture. Going into business marks a new and exciting chapter in my life. I love the fact that my business is going to help the people get to the gym (or not).
And this is only the start. I’m in talks to franchise I.D.L.E. and I dream big. Soon, I.D.L.E. will be partnering with a gym near you. Mention this post for 25% off the first month and a free churro from the snack bar!
Happy April Fool’s Day everyone!
Join the 10s who have signed up already!
Subscribing will improve your life in incredible ways*.
*Only if your life is pretty bad to begin with.