One issue that I have with the FIRE blogger community is we often live in a reality distortion field. Our biases cause us to eagerly report the positive and ignore the negative. I see it in myself. I’m much more eager to publish my Performance Updates when I’ve had a good month. Not so much for the bad ones.
But the negative is important too. Perhaps more important. The stock market won’t always roar. Your health may not always be perfect. Shit happens. We all need to have conversations about what happens when blue skies turn gray.
Today’s guest post was written by a friend who I’ll call Phoenix. My family and I first met her shortly after we moved to Longmont in 2013. She was kind enough to invite my family over to dinner and we all hit it off. Phoenix and her husband introduced us to contract bridge and Kubb, a fun Swedish lawn game. In the present day, we meet regularly for meals and other events. We have had each others’ backs during some minor emergencies. Phoenix was one of the first ones that made me realize just how important community is. Having a great circle of friends elevates your life.
I knew that Phoenix and her husband have had some issues, but it still made me sad to read her post. But these are the stories that need to be told. And I really appreciate Phoenix’s pure openness and raw honesty.
I’ve blabbed on long enough. Take it away Phoenix.
Phoenix Rising
Mr. Money Mustache recently posted an article about the Financials of Divorce, based on his own experience. In the article, he mentions that divorce is not a topic that has been addressed on the blog before, but that it could be incredibly helpful to his readers since it is such a common experience (he mentioned the oft repeated statistic that half of marriages end in divorce).
I had never really thought about the lack of a discussion regarding divorce on the blog before. When I began reading FIRE blogs, the one that I was really drawn to was a now-defunct blog that resonated with me because the author’s marriage, divorce, and reconciliation story was quite similar to my own (though my story involves ‘separation,’ rather than ‘divorce’).
Over the years, I have become a FIRE disciple, telling anyone who will listen to me about financial independence and how people I know (Mr. 1500 and Mr. MM, for example) have done it, so you can too! But, how did I get here? Where does the FI-blog audience come from? Who, besides high-earning, burnt-out programmers, finds their way into the FI community?
Yes, there are a wide variety of blogs out there now, each with their own origin story. But I have not found another that resonates as much as that particular short-lived blog did (admittedly, my blog-reading time is limited since I am not yet FI, so please tell me if I am missing one that I should be reading!).
Quitting Work Isn’t Optional
In late 2012, I told my husband that I wanted to separate. Things were not going well for us, and I felt we needed time apart. This was my decision, and it was heartbreaking for me. As 2013 began, my husband moved out, and rented a room in a house a few miles away from our house where I continued to live. Our daughter was 2 ½ at the time, and the hardest thing I have ever had to do was leave her on the first night that she spent away from me, with my husband.
We did not legally separate; we lived separately. Finances were not the driving consideration when I asked for the time apart, and I do not recall even discussing a budget for his accommodations. The “least expensive” option that was still a safe place for my daughter to visit was just about the extent of it. Soon after he moved out, I realized that paying his rent and our mortgage was eating into our savings since we could not easily afford the cost of both, and the financial impact of separation began to hit home.
In the first couple of months, I finally had to face the fact that Plan A was not working out. Plan A was to live a happily married life and quit work to raise our children after our second child was born. I assumed that my husband, with his PhD, would eventually be the breadwinner in our house and I could raise kids and contribute to the household by managing our finances, as my own mother had done for our family. But then came the separation, and suddenly I was fairly certain that even if I did not divorce my husband, and we did manage to reconcile, the idea of quitting work was not an option for me. I was unwilling to trust that I could rely on him and his salary for the rest of my life. And I realized that I would not have more children; I could not fathom being a single mother of one child, let alone two (major recognition for all single mothers – single parents – out there).
Then I found nomoreharvarddebt.com – thank you, CNN! – and my life changed. I avidly read the story of how one person made his student debt – a substantial sum to be sure – disappear. “I don’t have any student debt,” I thought. “What if I could save that much money a year instead?” MMM was frequently referenced in the blog, and while it was noted that he was a hardcore frugalist, it turned out that he also lived in Colorado, which piqued my interest. He lives in Longmont, Colorado! Right down the road from where we lived in Boulder, and where I happened to be employed. “Live close to work!” “Find a low-cost-of-living town!” the MMM articles implored. I was a captive audience. I had to be. I had to find Plan B.

Plan B: FIRE
My amazing, supportive, understanding parents bought a house in Longmont for me to live in and rent from them. It was so much more affordable than Boulder, and the low amount I paid for rent even included a repayment for the cost of them redoing the kitchen when I moved in (DIY has always been my parents’ default mode and this was no exception). We rented out the house in Boulder. I could not sell it. Making financial decisions based on emotions is generally frowned upon, but I could not sell the house that I had brought my daughter home to; the house I hoped to return to someday. And suddenly, with rental income, we had a surplus of money. My husband moved to Longmont with me, but we had not reconciled. He thought it was a good opportunity to invest in property in Longmont, so we bought a townhouse for him to live in.
Plan B began to take shape. Reading these blogs taught me the phrase “financial independence, retire early.” If I could not be a stay-at-home parent because I was worried about ending up as a single mother and did not want to be unemployed if that came along, maybe I could still retire early to spend time with my daughter during her childhood. Plan B: FIRE.
In September 2013, massive flooding hit Boulder and Longmont. We had 3 properties to worry about, but thankfully none flooded. Some friends of ours were not as lucky. My husband and I decided to try reconciling, so we offered to rent the townhouse to our friends at a very low rate that they could afford, while we tested the waters of reconciliation together in the house I rented from my parents. We knew that they would not be staying forever, and if my husband wanted to move back to the townhouse when they moved out, at least we would have given our marriage one more try.
To this day, I am not sure if my husband is even on my lease, but our landlords are pretty understanding. When he moved back in, I explained the new plan. I wanted FIRE, and if we were going to be together, it only made sense that if we were living in a manner that would allow me to FIRE, he should be able to FIRE too, if he chose. We are still working towards achieving Plan B. Oddly enough, the separation probably put us in a better place, financially, than we would have been otherwise. I cannot guarantee that I would have found MMM and Mr. 1500 without a reason to do so. We would not have the two investment properties we own, or the low rent on the house we live in, if it were not for the separation. I still would have preferred to avoid all of this entirely – I wish that I didn’t have this story to tell, this need for a Plan B. But here I am, and this is my origin story. I am convinced that I’m not the only one. I hope the FI community understands the multitude of paths that lead people to it, and I hope that people who feel the financial burden of a separation or divorce can rely on the community to find their own Plan B.
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That’s a sad story, but I’m glad I read it. It’s good to see the world as it is, and things aren’t always rosy. I try to be an optimist but I think it’s more important to be a realist with a good amount of optimism.
I like to think that because finances are the number 1 reason for divorce, I’m going have better chances of staying married by becoming financially independent. While that may be the case, there are still plenty of other reasons for marriages not working out.
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I’m glad to hear it’s working out. Sometimes you need to walk through fire to wake up. I think most of us in the FIRE movement had some kind of crisis like this. If life was going well, why change. People usually need a little push. Keep at it!
it’s good to have parents to fall back on. i always had that too and it changes the concept of risk. i really feel for the folks who go through something like that without the support system. i’m glad you made it through.
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This is a fabulous story. I don’t know why people find it sad – I think it’s terrific.
You two know that you’re together because you CHOOSE to be – instead of being together from inertia like a lot of couples are.
You’ve put together a property portfolio along the way and are working towards FIRE together.
This sounds as dynamic as all get out!
By the way – don’t be scared of raising more than one child as a single parent on the way to FI. I raised 4…
Sorry to hear about Phoenix’s separation. It’s sad that so many marriages end in separation or divorce these days. Arguments about finances can certain lead to divorce, so this is definitely an issue that needs to be addressed better by the FIRE community.
Best of luck to Phoenix!
Thanks, all, for the comments so far! I didn’t think of it as a sad story when I wrote it – just factual.
I do have a theory about marriages/relationships ending due to finances. It’s just a theory mind you, but I don’t think it’s the root cause of failure, just the last one. Therapy, for example, was a financial strain during our separation. And if our marriage had failed, it would have been a lot easier to say that it was due to finances than due to any preceding circumstances.
Anyway, thank you all again for the feedback. 🙂
Pheonix
Phoenix,
I’m so glad to hear that you and your husband have decided to reconcile. I don’t know the timing, or the surrounding details, but I’m happy for your family. Nothing about the process of separation and reconciliation is easy.
(I agree with what you said about finances being ONE of the causes, not THE cause. This stuff runs much deeper than simple numbers.)
Thanks so much for the vulnerability! I admire your commitment to each other and your daughter.
I have to ask – was the blog Big Guy Money? I looooooved that blog, and was so sad to see him stop posting. But hopefully that means he’s happily living instead 🙂
Big Guy Money! He was great! I really enjoyed his blog too.
Relive all the Big Guy Money greatness via the Internet Wayback machine. Last good snapshot was wayback in 2015:
https://web.archive.org/web/20151026154236/http://www.bigguymoney.com/all-posts/
Wow Bob, I hadn’t seen that page in a long time! Thanks for posting that link. Who knows, maybe BGM will live again someday.
Awww, thanks Britt!
Yes, we are still at it! I showed Meg your comment and it made us both smile.
Part of me absolutely wanted BGM to live on, but another part of me just flat didn’t want to continue that pace. I do check in on some of the FIRE blogs every now and again – maybe a couple times a year. Towards the end of BGM, I started becoming concerned that FIRE (and BGM) was becoming an obsession that I couldn’t turn off.
Anyway, thanks again for your extremely kind words!
There are a lot of folks working through medical issues, trauma, separations, divorce, death, and more – it’s important that we don’t only talk about the happy pixie dust – thank you for sharing your story.
Thanks for this post! You are so right that this topic is one not often enough seen on financial blogs. I’m a widow and know all too well the serious financial issues that happen when a marriage ceases and a life partner isn’t in the picture anymore. I wish you and your family all the best!
Sounds like the idea of FIRE helped Phoenix and her husband give their marriage another try! (we did I guess the backwards marriage thing…got married, then were separated physically due to differences in employment in completely different states- then got to living together again. Let me tell you…being on your own for a few years makes it really hard to start living with someone again.). So we started from two household expenses down to one-which definitely helped. Also saving money on airfare and travel and lost wages due to visits helped, too.
Getting rid of one argument point- like money- really really helps, I think. Even though I know there are a whole range of other things to have problems with…it seems money is one of the biggest sources of friction in a relationship. Of course MMM’s post definitely addresses that it could be other things, too.
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What I love about yours and MMM’s story is how you are handling the situation with tact and integrity. Relationships are hard and no one has any place to judge. I admire when adults handle the situation like adults, especially when kids are involved. It sounds like you are doing great all around and maintain an ideal balance of keeping options open while also having an eye on a goal. Keep it up, you got this! And I hope the personal side of things works out in whatever is best for you and your family.
Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like it wasn’t an easy journey, but the one you needed to have to get to what sounds like a better place!
I’m at the tail end of my divorce right now. My FIRE plans have changed a bit, but having started the FIRE journey a few years ago, has left me in a much better financial position than I would have been without it.
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