I’m glad I was born a guy, despite the shorter life. Males have defective DNA which results in a reduced lifespan relative to our female counterparts. Perhaps this is also what causes us guys to do ridiculous, futile and dangerous things like:
- keg stands
- root for the Chicago Cubs
- laugh hysterically at farts
- watch Jim Carrey films
- enjoy monster trucks
- play with fire
For me, it is a worthy tradeoff:
- I won’t ever have to give birth and I’m very thankful for that (shout-out to women everywhere!)
- I’ll never feel pressure to brush my hair or worry about shaving my legs because society is OK with me shaving my head and no other parts of my body
- I’ll never worry about makeup or feel the need to pluck my wild eyebrows
Above all, I’ll never get invited to an endless parade of “parties” thrown by “friends” hawking products sold through multi-level marketing (MLM) schemes.
If you’re not familiar with MLM schemes, here is the definition from Wikipedia:
In the life of Mrs. 1500, MLM manifests itself in parties that friends throw where they try to get you to buy stuff or become one of their minion, downline salespeople. Mrs. 1500 gets invited to these things at least a couple times per year. The most recent one was a fingernail “party.” Others have included:
- Candles: Why buy one from a store for $5 when you can spend $30 for the same thing!? Besides, we have lightbulbs now. No need for fire inside the home.
- Medicine: Most people know that you can’t cure disease with snake oil. Not all though.
- Food: Overpriced brownie mixes!
- Children’s toys
- Sex toys!: It is difficult to stop myself from saying anything vulgar here*, so I’ll just shut up.
- Jewelry: Ugggh.
I’ve never liked the concept of MLM. If your product is so great, why not just sell it through normal means like at a store or over the Internet? Why do you have to pit friends against each other. Here is what the last invitation to Mrs. 1500 looked like:
Hey, lets get together to drink wine and try on <company name redacted for fear of getting sued> fingernails!
If we were all being honest:
Come over dear friend so I can sell you some overpriced stuff and make money off of you! I’ll ply you with alcohol so you let your guard down. Want to be a downline seller?!? Fun!!
For whatever reason, MLM hasn’t caught on with guys, although I’ve seen attempts at it. I vaguely remember seeing a stand at a fair a couple years ago for a “man cave” MLM where you invite your buddies over and try to get them to buy meat. Just thinking about it makes me a bit nauseous and I hope that I never get invited to such an event. Maybe I’ll start telling people I’m a Marshmallowtarian to nip it in the bud:
- Neighbor Bob: Hey bro! Come over and have some beers at my meat party**! It will be awesome!
- Me: Neighbor Bob, remember that I’m a strict Marshmallowtarian. My diet consists of marshmallows only.
I really do enjoy marshmallows, but my silly ways won’t do much to stop MLMs. If you can’t beat them, join them?
I’ve got it!
Mr. Money Marshmallow!
Today, I’m super excited to announce my new MLM: Mr. Money Marshmallow***:
Mr. Money Marshmallow offers artisan, small batch, GMO free, organic, cage-free, all natural, pesticide free, locally sourced, hand-crafted**** marshmallows. Mr. Money Marshmallow offers delicious ‘mallows for any occasion. Here are just some of our offerings:
The American ($20/bag [each bag contains 2])
This ‘mallow is super-sized for big American appetites! Open a bag of these at the next campfire and you’ll be the envy of your fellow campers (please allow extra time to roast). Or at your next party, deep fry this guy, put it between two donuts and you’ve got yourself a Marshmallow Burger. Mmm mmm, good!
The Argentinian ($25/bag)
The nutty notes and smooth finish of this marshmallow will arouse your senses. The Argentinian pairs well with steak and red wine. Serve Argentinians on your next dinner date and she’ll be yours forever.
The Parisian ($50/bag, limited quantities)
Inspired by The City of Light, this delightful marshmallow looks innocent enough, but don’t be fooled. At first bite, a bouquet of flavors explodes in your mouth. Your life will never be the same. Suggested pairings include Camembert and croissants.
Fellow Marshmallowtarians, I hope that you’re as excited about my new MLM as I am! Contact me to hold a Mr. Money Marshmallow party at your home today!
Oh wow, stop me. I’ve gone off the deep end again.
Kubb party >>> MLM party
Our new town has really good people, but there are still MLMers lurking. I wish there wasn’t. Instead of inviting friends over to get them to buy stuff, why not have them over for board games or a potluck? This past Sunday, we did just that. At a friend’s home, we played Ticket to Ride and Kubb, a lawn game that I had never heard of before, but was lots of fun. We had a barbecue and peach cobbler for dessert. Perfect.
I don’t know why people insist on throwing MLM parties. Perhaps it is some kind of genetic disorder? Maybe one day, science will invent a gene therapy for this malady and MLMs will go away. Perhaps gene therapy will even fix my bad male tendencies and I won’t laugh uncontrollably at bodily functions?
Dare to dream.
*OK, I can’t help myself. What goes on at a sex toy, MLM party? Do the ladies sit around and debate the merits of various vibrators? Can you try before you buy? Does someone do a demo? What is the return policy?
**Wow, this does not sound right. What is wrong with me?
***Hey MMM, thanks for letting me borrow your logo today! I read on one of your posts that you don’t like MLMs either, so I hope that you see the humor in this and don’t sue me!
****Hand Crafted is the most overused marketing term in the world right now. Hand crafted beer? Hand crafted tamales? Hand crafted, hand crafts made by hand. Of course, it’s hand crafted! Do I think your taco stand that employees three people also employees robots***** to help roll the burrito?
*****I’d actually prefer Robot Crafted to Hand Crafted. Robots are consistent. They don’t screw up. They wouldn’t leave bodily fluids or hair on your food.
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