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Thursday Rant: Push Present Preposterousness

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Have you ever heard of a Push Present? I had not until I went camping with some friends this past summer. Some of the ladies in the group were talking and the conversation went something like this:

  • Lady 1: So, you’re about to have a baby, what are you getting for a Push Present?
  • Lady 2: Hmmmmm, dunno.
  • Lady 1: A trip to San Diego or a diamond tennis bracelet would be nice!

I had never heard of a Push Present and didn’t want to give away the fact that I was eavesdropping, so I filed the information away.

Later that evening when I was alone with Mrs. 1500, I asked her what the conversation was all about:

  • Me: The ladies were talking about “push presents.” What on earth is that about?
  • Mrs. 1500: Oh, that. After you have a baby, some women expect a gift in return for their efforts of pushing the baby out.

I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. If I laughed, I’d spit my expensive beer out, so I didn’t do that. If I cried, everyone would laugh at me, which would make me cry even more. So I didn’t do that either. Instead, I decided to turn the whole episode into a foul and vulgar rant which is what you get next.

push present2

Warning: Reader discretion is advised. Those who are easily offended by my sense of humor that has not evolved beyond the 7th grade may wish to click away now.

Do we need presents for everything?

I really hate the notion that we have to buy something for every stupid little event or accomplishment*. The kid’s horrible soccer team goes 1-15; give the boy a trophy! Why should we expect to be rewarded with something just because we lived another year or we have some new and idiotic holiday? Examples include, but are not limited to: Sweetest Day, Valentine’s Day, National Boss Day and Mr. 1500 Day**).

Mrs. 1500 and I don’t give each other gifts for any holiday and that’s just how we like it. We haven’t always been this way, but over time, we’ve risen above the practice. If I see something that I think Mrs. 1500 would really like, I buy it no matter what day of the year it is. She does the same for me. Nothing feels forced. We are happy with our lives and don’t need or want much of anything besides the basics.

If you can’t beat them, might as well join them

I don’t know what to do about the horrible Push Present trend. I am just one person in a sea of consumer insanity, powerless to even stop my own children from throwing dangerous objects at each other. In no way can I influence ridiculous gift giving. Therefore, I am going over to the dark side with my own set of demands.

I previously said that I don’t really need anything in life. I lied. A good, cold beer tastes pretty swell on the weekend. So, I have come up with a list of tasks that I feel should be rewarded with beer.

Below, I rate each task on the scale of 1 t0 10 beers. 1 beer is for a menial task like unloading the dishwasher. 10 beers is awarded for work of maximum challenge, difficulty or pain. An example of this would be getting the children to brush and floss their teeth the first time they are told to do so. I have even come up with my own Push Present. Remember, I warned you.

Lawn mowing

  • When it’s 70 outside: 3 beers
  • When it’s 98 outside: 5.5 beers

Screen Shot 2015-01-21 at 1.06.25 AMPooping (male Push Present)

  • Well balanced diet of mostly fruit and vegetables: 1 beer
  • A diet that consists of bread, bananas and Kentucky Fried Chicken: 8 beers

More potty

  • Unclogging the toilet after that last bullet point: 6 beers
  • Snaking the sewer line because tree roots and KFC (“C” doesn’t stand for “chicken” here) have clogged it: 9.5 beers

Family fun

  • Fixing family members’ computers: 3 beers
  • Fixing family members’ marital problems: 7 beers
  • Fixing family members’ marital problems that resulted from going to naughty sites on their broken computers: 9 beers

More Family Fun

  • A weekend with SpongeSister SpendyPants: 4 beers
  • A weekend with SpongeSister and her unemployed, heavy smoking boyfriend: 7 beers
  • A weekend with SpongeSister, Marlboro Man Boyfriend and their wild cat: Infinite beer or cyanide (put me out of my misery!)

There you have it. Now, I’ve got myself all worked up just thinking about these horrible scenarios. I’m off to grab a beer.

 

*Don’t get me wrong, child birth is an incredible accomplishment and since I’m a humongous wuss; I’m very thankful that I was not born a female. However, the event should be about the baby, not about receiving an expensive gift for having the baby. A nice bouquet of flowers works out pretty well in my book.

**Just kidding, Mr. 1500 Day is actually a real holiday. It is celebrated by sending me money. In return, you’ll have good luck for at least 3 months. It’s true. (Mrs. 1500 note: This is an actual holiday, celebrated just as he says. It has to be true. You can’t put just anything on the internet…)

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Comments

  1. It seems every event and potential holiday has taken the initiative to require a gift. Some people demand gifts because they can. I got a catalog yesterday for a major jeweler in town and on the back it very obviously said “Hint like you mean it!” Barf.

    I asked my Hubs if he would buy me anything from there. (For some reason I always do, even though I never want anything) He said Yes so long as for every dollar spent, the store will put $2 on my student loans. He drives a hard bargain.

    When is Mr. 1500 Day? I need to prepare!
    Kate@GoodnightDebt recently posted…Saving for our Holy GrailMy Profile

    • “Hint it like you mean it!” Super Barf!!!

      I like the way Mr. GoodnightDebt thinks!

      Mr. 1500 Day is every day! Send money at will! 🙂

  2. Yeah – when I heard of push presents a few years back when I was pregnant with my first child, there is something about it that seems wrong. But, I will admit after the birth of both of our children, Mr SSC did buy a gift. I took it as more of a “thank you honey for not drinking alcohol, or going skiing, and eating healthy, and dealing with dozens upon dozens of doctors appointments, and totally wrecking your body for nine months” So, I think getting a present just for giving birth is dumb and ridiculous, but I think a husband giving a wife something as a token of appreciation is sweet. I guess its the motivation behind the gift.
    Mrs SSC recently posted…Decisions, decisions…My Profile

    • I thought they were dumb too. Once I became a mom though, the idea stopped looking dumb.

      My Mr. got me a Girl’s Happy Meal at midnight after our Little Miss. We had waited to know the sex of the baby and I was pretty hungry, so it went over pretty well.

      My parents got me flowers, and earrings. But I think only because they were bored waiting to see the Little Miss (we had a home birth and I think they should be grateful that we kept kicking them out, you don’t really want to be around RIGHT after a homebirth, just saying, that could be another rant for you)
      Emily @ Simple Cheap Mom recently posted…Signup for SwagBucks to Make Money OnlineMy Profile

    • Yeah, I agree with all that you say. I think part of my problem with my camping friends was that they were expecting a significant gift. Also, is it really a gift if you tell someone what to buy you? Hardly.

  3. My guess is that push presents have evolved (and not in a good way) from the kind of stuff that was more common when our parents were popping us out – like getting a charm with the new baby’s birthstone to add to a bracelet or necklace for the mom. Lots of moms I grew up around had rings or necklaces where the different stones represented each kid and it didn’t seem ostentatious or all that out of the ordinary. But giant diamonds seem pretty over the top.
    And maybe the trip to San Diego would have been classified better as a “babymoon” (a ridiculous thing that seems to have been invented recently) than a “push present”. Unless she was planning on leaving the daddy-to-be behind for the weekend getaway.
    Mrs. Pop @ Planting Our Pennies recently posted…Happy Friday – A Happy ComplicationMy Profile

    • Good thought Mrs. PoP. I do like the idea of something small like you said. When I think about it, it is the size and demand of the gift that really bothers me.

      I’m so glad I’m married to a person who is logical (most of the time) and doesn’t make ridiculous demands of me.

  4. I took my wife on vacation after she gave birth to both our kids. I don’t really think it is a push present since I got to go too and I do enjoy a good vacation. Plus she was already off work so it isn’t like she had to burn any vacation days.

    Also, KFC has the exact opposite effect on me, so after that sort of transaction, a beer is usually the last thing on my mind.

    • Oh man, laughing out loud over the KFC comments. Either way, the result is unpleasant.

      I like a good vacation too. Come to think of it, we went to Florida after #1 was born. However, it wasn’t demanded of me as payment for having a baby. It was just something we decided to do.

  5. I don’t think it’s wrong for a husband/partner to give a gift to the new mom out of genuine gratitude, affection or wanting to commemorate the occasion. I do think it’s tacky to feel entitled to a gift or to buy a gift just because there’s a trend with a cutesy name. (Especially an expensive gift!)

    Also tacky to brag about it. I have to say, googling “push present” nearly made my choke on my breakfast.

    I haven’t been blessed with kids so I have to say it: YOU’VE JUST BEEN GIVEN THE MOST AMAZING GIFT IN THE WORLD. Let’s get out priorities straight.

  6. LMAO!

    I had a co-worker who got his wife’s gift delivered to our work. I thought it was something from work since our warehouse dropped it off. It was a “blue box.” Everyone was really excited. I assumed it was a special, new pH meter or something else for the lab.

    Turns out that it was a Tiffany’s gift. I’m a little out of touch I guess…
    Chris @ Flipping A Dollar recently posted…L.L. Bean – eBay Clothing Series #4My Profile

  7. During my wife’s pregnancy…not only did I learn about that there was such a thing as a “push present” but also a babymoon. So apparently you’re supposed to get a vacation as well as a present. My wife probably did deserve a present for delivering the baby BY HERSELF! We went to the hospital twice and were sent back both times telling us it was not time. Well they were wrong because our son decided to come when we got home. I was frantically running to get the hospital bag when my wife gave birth…the birth certificate says my wife’s name as “attendant at birth” and under hospital/facility address was our home address.
    Andrew@LivingRichCheaply recently posted…Live For TodayMy Profile

  8. PUSH presents! You have to kidding me! I wonder what marketing guru came up with that one. A search of Wikipedia, and yes there is a Wikipedia article on it, says that there is no evidence that it was a marketing gimmick, but has been popularized because celebrities are doing it. For those who have never heard of it before, the word “celebrity” is just another term for dumb people who have too much money. In other words, not people to emulate.

    And didn’t we already have baby showers? And aren’t rewards supposed to be for accomplishments, not things that are going to happen anyway? And aren’t 40% of BabyCenter poll respondents correct that the baby itself is the reward?
    Norm recently posted…How A Website Got Me To Read Books For Fun AgainMy Profile

    • Ha, nice comment Norm!

      I think we’d all be a lot better off if all did exact opposite of most celerities and sports stars.

      “And didn’t we already have baby showers? And aren’t rewards supposed to be for accomplishments, not things that are going to happen anyway?”

      Yep.

  11. Amazed, knowing about push presents now makes me feel like I found out Kim Kardashian has a kid, I don’t want to know this stuff. Scale of 1 to 10 Beer rating, well done sir.

    Also side note don’t knock Sweetest Day, especially when you think it’s Swedish Day until you are 30 and your Mom sends you presents, I accept this national holiday, assuming it’s for Swedish people;)
    Even Steven recently posted…Things I Don’t Understand Thursday: Why Are We Scared to Save Money?My Profile

    • Ha! Swedish Day, nice!

      You are always bashing the Kardashians Stevie, but I think you are secretly obsessed with them. Admit it! I want the truth!! Wait, no I don’t.

      PS: Don’t hurt me next time I see you in person.

  12. My Wife’s push present was I didn’t kick her to the curb after she was done breast feeding. 🙂

    Or it was I endured a birthing class and her hippie ways of delivering a baby “naturally” via midwifery.

    Probably the latter. Don’t tell her I said the former […]
    Elroy recently posted…[Un]Fine FurnitureMy Profile

    • Ha! And whoah!

      Did she do it at home in the tub? Mrs. 1500 has a bunch of hippie relatives and that’s how they roll. The cops have been known to show up to see what all of the yelling is about…

  13. I must admit that I’ve never heard of a push present – and I’ve had two babies within the last three years. Also, should the present be different if the events evolve from a “push present” to a “cut-your-abs-open present”? Where does the madness end??

    But I think you’re on to something with the beer scale… Childbirth is easily worth 11 or 12 beers on your 1-10 scheme. They better be good ones. And they better be frosty cold! After nine months without one, this momma wants a beer!!
    Mrs. Maroon recently posted…Could I Pay for College With Diapers?My Profile

    • Child birth is worth 100 beers, good ones as you said. Nothing with “Lite” on the can. Ever.

    • Yep. Maybe we should invent our own holiday? “Gift giving day; just because you deserve it!”

  15. Well, from what I heard Prince William gifted Duchess Kate with a Cartier watch after she gave birth to Prince George. (Ok, I’m a royalty junkie….sue me). For the rest of us mere mortals, however, it seems a little silly to expect a gift for every single simple or not so simple accomplishment. I never expected nor received a gift when I had our son 33 years ago, so maybe it is a new trend. BTW…loved the humor behind your other examples.

    • Thanks Kathy!

      I have no idea how much a Cartier watch costs. I’m also too afraid to Google it. Probably more than my home. Fine my me!

  16. I have never heard of this “push present” rubbish until now.
    How on earth to describe the moments when you first see your child…it is profoundly beautiful and life-changing! She was my hearts desire…SHE is the most awesome gift imaginable.

  17. Hilarious! I had heard about this crazy push-present idea, and was concerned my wife would start getting ideas, but fortunately she also thinks it’s an absolute joke and we like to laugh about it together (at least I think she’s laughing with me… I’ll know for sure in another 5 months!)

    I think your beer scale is far too conservative only limiting it to 10, when you see the level of expectations for push-presents. Surely they are at least very fancy beers?
    Jason@Islands of Investing recently posted…Investing in your loved ones always gives the best returnsMy Profile

    • Not fancy beers, hard working beers (see last Thursday’s rant)!

      But yes, I’m too old to drink stuff with “Lite” on the can!

  19. Many many many of my co-workers are/were pregnant within the past year. My friends are all having their first children as well. I’ve heard nothing but babymoon this and push present that so forgive my “non-mom” rant.

    1. Babymoon – Your entire pre-kids relationship was one! BOOM!
    2. Push presents – there’s no gift you can get a woman to fully appreciate the experience of pregnancy and child birth. What about having created an entire human being – that’s some awesome Sci-Fi shit right there! What about all the new memories and experiences you’re going to have together? Why do people need more than that?

    In conclusion, this is bullshit.

    • Sci-fi excrement is right! I’m so glad that males don’t have to do any of it. Well, at least the first bit, but that is the fun part…

  20. While reading this I asked my wife, the mother of my child, if she knew what a push present was.

    “No. What’s that?”

    I explained. She burst out laughing.

    “Like what?”

    ” Like A trip to San Diego or a diamond tennis bracelet,” I said quoting the post.

    More laughter. “Oh, my gosh! What wimps!”

    I should get her a present just for that.

    On another note, given what I’ve read about SpongeSister, you vastly underrate the number of beers required. Infinity +1, at least.

  21. I don’t understand that concept either, or baby moons. For me, finally getting to see the face that I’ve been wondering about for the past months was more than enough! Lol at the male push present. 🙂
    anna recently posted…I’m a Mommy!My Profile

    • Exactly! You epitomized just what I was thinking. And you have firsthand experience now! Congratulations!!

  22. Good take on the whole silly “Push Present”! Your articles are always very amusing as well as informative. As a childbirth educator, I really do not hear this discussed much in my area but we are East Coast and far removed from Hollywood, so maybe that helps. Also, I suggest a “babymoon” in my breastfeeding classes, but this babymoon means mom and baby spending lots of time together in Kangaroo Care to help with bonding and breastfeeding. Totally different meaning than what your overheard conversation was about!

    • Hi cheapRN!

      That babymoon sounds like the right idea. No running off to a fancy resort or island.

      Thanks for the kind comments!

  23. Yes! Spot on! I could rant for days about this, baby moons, what people expect for any shower/registry gifts , etc. So over the top. Ugh.

  25. I don’t remember hearing about this before we had kids (they’re 11 and 8 now), but I was so looking forward to finally seeing my babies’ faces, I could have cared less about jewelry! Mr Larson brought me a nice, inexpensive bouquet of flowers and some good chocolate and I thought that was sweet 🙂 Then after our second one, he brought me a much-missed latte from Caribou. All unexpected and very much enjoyed! (had to wait until I was done breastfeeding to get back to enjoying tasty beers!)

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