Brace yourself readers, Mrs. 1500 is angry. Very angry. Go to your happy place wife. Now.
Hi there, Mrs. 1500 ranting at you today.
We have a neighbor named Ruby. Well, not really. In real life, her name is something else. But on the off chance that she would see this (ha!) I have changed her name. Not to protect her innocence, but to protect the innocence of her children.
You see, Ruby is bad with money.
Poor childhood, poor adulthood
Ruby grew up poor. Dirt poor. Ruby has gone to bed hungry more than once in her life. This part does not make me happy. In fact, none of this story makes me happy. It makes me angry, because her behavior affects so many others.
So Ruby grew up poor. I firmly believe that growing up without a lot of money will turn you either into a super saver or a super spender. Ruby has turned into a super spender.
Ruby and her husband have four children. She sees a “spiritual guide” frequently, who once told her she has “five celestial children.” (Mr. 1500 note: You just can’t make bullshit stuff like this up.) When I met Ruby, she was pregnant with her fourth terrestrial child. Guess what she just announced? Number five is on the way. So yes, she decided to have five children because of a psychic.
With four children, she is a stay at home mom. (Nothing wrong with that, I stayed at home with my girls for eight years.) So she doesn’t work. She doesn’t bring any money into the home. Her husband works, but not very many hours per week. The problem with that is he has the kind of job you can’t phone in. He actually has to physically be at the job site in order for the work to be done. His job is kind of like waiting tables – you can’t work from home.
Amazon addiction
So she doesn’t bring in any money into the household, and he brings in very little. Guess what her favorite thing to do is? I mean, besides watch Reality TV and read People Magazine? She likes to shop. Oh wait no, she LOVES to shop.
Her absolute favorite past time is keeping up with the Joneses. Anytime anyone on our street gets something new, she wants one too. One neighbor bought a pool – suddenly she is salivating over the prospect of adding one to her yard, too.
Another neighbor bought a new car – now her 3 year old minivan isn’t doing it for her anymore.
Do her kids have cute brand-name clothes? Check. How about toys? Top of the line, of course.
She only eats organic food. I love Jim Gaffigan’s comment about organic:
Organic is a grocery store term that means twice as expensive.
Ruby is on welfare. She’s actually on every single subsidy program she can research, apply and qualify for. I believe she spends $500 a week on groceries, in part because she has such a large family, but mostly due to the fact she won’t buy anything but organic.
She has missed payments on her house, her husband had to turn in his car and get a different one because they couldn’t keep up with those payments, but she buys only organic. She once sent him to the store for a can of coconut milk. I offered her a can I had in my cabinet, and she said “We only eat organic.” It’s coconut milk! Do you know what surrounds coconut milk? WOOD! Do you know where coconuts grow? 95 feet in the air! They don’t spray coconuts with anything, because the good stuff grows literally surrounded by impenetrable wood!!!
And lies too
But all this, as vitriolic as my description is, isn’t the worst of it. No, I’ve saved that for last. She lies to her husband about how much she spends. She literally tells him that an item costs about 40% of the actual purchase price.
He is starting to catch on. He said something the other day, “I don’t know why she needs a new purse. And it’s funny how everything is always ‘half price’.”
She shared with us, as a girls night, that she regularly lies to him about purchases. He allows her to track their finances. Ruby is headed off the rails.
I mentioned before that they have missed house payments. I would love to buy their house. But even more, I would love for them to own it. As much as I don’t like her, her children are going to be absolutely wrecked if they lose their home. I don’t know where they would go. But I do know, it won’t be pretty. I don’t see a whole lot of family welcoming them with open arms, not with four current kids plus one cooking.
So here I sit, knowing exactly what needs to be done, and not saying anything. I’m pretty bossy, and holding my tongue isn’t something I’m very good at. And it absolutely breaks my heart to sit here and watch this go down, knowing I could fix it, if they would just listen…
Mr. 1500 epilogue: We’ve known this family for two years now and it’s like watching a train wreck in very slow motion. This is the same person who doesn’t like me because she thinks I don’t let Mrs. 1500 buy stuff.
It’s incredibly sad to hear their life going off the rails. In the summer when the windows are open, we hear the yelling and screaming. A couple months ago, the yelling was about the kids’ snacks: “You mean we already ate all of the snacks from Whole Foods? ITS ONLY TUESDAY AND WE HAVE NO MONEY TO BUY MORE!!” Never mind the fact that Whole Foods is expensive and 15 miles away.
I’d love to help them see the light and sometimes I try. I’ve come to realize that the best way to try to get through to someone is by setting a positive example. No one likes to be criticized. So, if you want someone to emulate you, show them how great your own life is. Maybe they’ll catch on.
However, my efforts backfire. No matter how happy they think I am, Ruby sees my working on the house and cars as a sign of weakness. In her mind, paying people to do everything for you is a sign of status. Only poor people do their own work. Oh, the irony…
I’m off to go calm Mrs. 1500 down…
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Watching someone up close and personal crash and burn would make me angry too, especially when their are children involved. Any chance of getting through to the husband? Sounds like he might be catching on. He got to reach a break point or be a broken man.
Brian @DebtDiscipline recently posted…Higher Education
Brian, he might just be a broken man. I don’t know why he doesn’t do something, because his comments make it seem like he isn’t totally in the dark. He’s pretty non-confrontational… Maybe he just thinks it will get better?
Sadly, I think that there is a culture today that if a man takes responsibility for his family and stands up to a wife that is overspend he is a “dick.” He will be labled by the wife and her friends as insensitive. Just like Mr. 1500 has been for not allowing his wife to “buy stuff.”
It’s only when a marriage is a partnership that true financial success is possible. I am forever grateful that we are on the same page when it comes to finances.
David of the Debt Free Guys recently posted…Financial Distractions: How We Overcame Disco Debt
BTW, maybe you should recommend that the husband order his 3 annual free credit reports. Then he will see just how much is being spent. 😛
David of the Debt Free Guys recently posted…Financial Distractions: How We Overcame Disco Debt
Too bad, sounds like there’s not much hope over there, unless the Mrs. wakes up.
Brian @DebtDiscipline recently posted…Credit Report Check Up
There is so much to say about this post that I don’t even know where to begin!
I’m assuming you and your fam live in a nice neighborhood. So, realistically, a family on government assistance probably has no business buying a house there. So don’t feel bad about their losing the house (which they will, eventually). It is unkind for lenders to put people in houses they can’t afford; didn’t we learn this from the housing crash a few years ago?)
Our government actually sets up some of these terrible situations. With four children and another on the way, she would probably lose more $ in benefits than she would earn working. Plus she’d have child care costs. So you and I and other tax-paying citizens will continue to subsidize this family–and their poor decisions–for years to come.
She has built a total house of cards, complete with nose stuck in the air, appearing to be better than anyone else. There is almost a mental health aspect to it all. Going to a psychic but not paying your mortgage? A shopping addiction but criticizing a neighbor for being cheap because he does work on his house while “we pay people to do that stuff.” Sickness!
I can tell you feel sorry for the kids, and I get it, but I think you feel sorry for them for the wrong reason(s). Losing the house to foreclosure will not damage those kids nearly as much as being raised by a mother who is more concerned about appearances than she is about reality. Who is an organic food snob while not paying her bills.
If they can afford to spend hundreds of dollars on food alone every week, Dad must have a fairly good income (I thought I was reading between the lines that he didn’t bring in much). Which begs the question of how they qualify for government assistance. Those programs usually have pretty stringent qualification requirements. Wonder whether she’s defrauding the government?
How much do psychics cost? Or to put it another way, how much do they make? Because maybe you could help both households. Go get (at a thrift store of course) a turban, some hoop earrings and something resembling a crystal ball. Wear shawls. Make up a name for yourself like “Madame Zohra” and offer your services to her as a spiritual guide. She then pays you (new side hustle!) and you read the future for her (“I see you banishing Amazon from your life in order to bring a glorious empty calm to your home.” “I see your children wearing hand-me-downs with excellent play karma to them.” “And wait, it’s getting clearer, I see your husband happily driving his used car to his full-time job and then depositing his paycheck into your new savings-account-of-future-abundance-and-serenity.”)
MarciaB recently posted…My Three Favorite Really Stupid Reasons Not To Save For Retirement
Oh Marcia, I love it! Too bad she knows what I look like up close and personal. Also, I’m pretty sure she has been seeing this same person for years. (And no, they aren’t free…)
I have thought being a “psychic” would be an awesome side-hustle…
Maybe you should track down the “psychic” and explain the situation. Maybe the psychic could tell her what she needs to hear. Tell her the crystal ball was recalibrated!
Love it! LOVE IT!!
Oh, and the psychic could institute some frugal stuff too: “Stop spending money and lying to your husband about it or you will be cursed with excessive farts.”
I’d pay the psychic $100 to say that.
Maybe instead of solving all their problems, you can just start out with little favors. Like making some healthy mini-muffins for the kids to snack on, since you know their groceries are a source of tension. It sounds like it will be hard to get through to Ruby, but maybe you could find some flyers for consignment shops for toys and clothes and discretely put them in their mailbox for them to sell/buy. But, in the end you just have to remember that you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.
Mrs SSC recently posted…Layoffs: The conclusion!
That is the hardest part about this whole thing. I can’t make her do what she should do. Losing their house will be so difficult to watch. As much as I would love an investment property on my street, as much as I really don’t like this woman all that much, I still want them to live on the street rather than lose their house.
I even offered, to a neighbor, to help them make a budget, but the neighbor doesn’t think it would go over well, and I have already reached out to Ruby on a separate matter and, let’s just say it wasn’t well received…
America, land of opportunity except for the generational poor like Ruby. You can’t fix stupid, and you can’t make someone love her kids. What we could do, though, is kick her off the wasteful government programs and use the money to fund schools or libraries.
America has the most entitled “poor” in the world.
Once you’ve got a stay at home mom, the fifth kid isn’t exactly a big deal. However, it is heartbreaking to see a train wreck in slow motion. When you see someone so caught up in their own lies, its not like you can appeal to common sense or a sense of ethical behavior.
This is my takeaway- it’s fine to want to be a stay at home mom, and it’s fine to want a lot of kids, but be sure to discuss this before you get married.
The train wreck makes my heart hurt.
I grew up poor and I am a super saver as an adult.
However, since I grew up poor, I have formed certain opinions. First, don’t have kids if you can’t afford them. Honestly, there were times I asked my parents why they had two kids, if we were poor. It might have seen rude and mean towards my parents, but honestly, I didn’t see a point.
Not having enough money causes stress. I remember my parents fighting over money and a bunch of other stuff. I often wonder if they had just had a bit more, they would have fought less.
I know my hubby and I don’t really fight about money. We may argue about what to allocate towards sometimes. But honestly, not really.
Sadly, some people don’t think like this. Honestly, I think they are selfish. First of all, we don’t live in 15th century where there were no easy methods to NOT conceive. So yes it’s a choice to bring kids into this world. If you are not going to provide them a safe, peaceful environment to grow up in, don’t bother. Your kids will not appreciate you more because you “sacrificed” to bring them into this world and are now living in a crappy situation.
SavvyFinancialLatina recently posted…Balancing Wants
Meh, idk about that. Where do you draw the line on “poor” I think it more comes down to if you can’t manage money, probably shouldn’t have kids. Sometimes It works out either way though. My sister is a wreck with finances but she’s got two great kids, I don’t think there is much fighting with her husband. My parents didn’t have a lot of money but ended up with two kids with college degrees mostly doing fine in this world. What more could you ask for. If I ever have kids I would just be ecstatic if they don’t become druggies that cant handle a job flipping hamburgers, because so many do.
People like us have a very different perspectives from the other 95% of the population. People like us could also be considered poor and raise kids with decent savings too, it’s a lot of mind set.
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At least Ruby and her husband are not also on drugs. Unfortunetly growing up on Welfare, I noticed that many of the parents also had drug problems.
But financially a drug addiction is probably equivelent to Ruby’s obsession with Organic food. Only there is even less food.
In my neighborhood, it was not uncommon for food stamps to be exchanged for drugs. Then you would see people going to the local community center to the food bank to get what food they could so the kids could still eat.
It’s sad!
And even sadder, is that many of these people don’t think their is anything wrong with their lives. They don’t want to work. They have settled for a life of nothing.
I hope Ruby get’s her act together for the sake of her children. Or at the very least I hope her children can recognize that they don’t want to be anything like Mom and find the right people to emulate as they make there way to and through adulthood.
Cheers!
Dominic (Gen Y Finance Guy) recently posted…The First Year of Blogging – Under the Hood [Post #100]
Oh, we didn’t mention it. There is LOAD of 420 going on that house. Daily. And not home grown either, but primo stuff from dispensaries. This is probably the worst part of the whole thing and we didn’t even mention it. No money for food, but there is money for weed.
“They don’t want to work. They have settled for a life of nothing.”
RIGHT! Couldn’t have said it better!
So true that you either become a super saver or super spender when you grow up in poverty…I see it all the time. I remember “Ruby” from your other post…it’s really sad that their situation is getting worse and yet she doesn’t seem to understand that she can’t continue doing what she’s doing. I know people with similar issues and it is tough to say anything as most don’t want to hear your unsolicited financial “advice.”
Andrew@LivingRichCheaply recently posted…Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Financial Freedom
The ones that I feel most bad for are the kids in this situation, because they have no choice in the matter. Worse, they will most definitely be raised like so many others out there today – with a sense of entitlement. Once someone else has something, YOU need to have it as well, and if there is a government program available, do your best to get on it because those evil rich people OWE IT TO YOU. You’re entitled to money, little ones. Other people work so you can buy.
It’s a wicked cycle that is so darn preventable, but never seems to get prevented. There is good money to be made in perpetuating the problem, but that is probably a topic for another day. 🙂
Steve @ Think Save Retire recently posted…Working two extra months gets my wife social security
Steve, I just followed the link to your recent post on your own website, and it seems your rant is a bit hypocritical. Essentially, you are gaming social security benefits (all perfectly legal). As an early retiree (and low aggregate contributor to SS), you will most likely receive much more from Social Security than you contributed. So before you cast the first stone, be aware that when it comes to social security, you (and your wife) will be net “takers” rather than contributors. You really are no different than an able bodied person seeking government assistance. Thanks for your contribution to making our society better (<—sarcasm).
Nonsense, but I definitely appreciate your perspective on this particular issue. The difference between these two situations is as real as the difference between the ocean and the land.
All my wife and I want is *our money back*. I do understand that the social security system is deeply flawed, and I do acknowledge the possibility that we might receive more than we put in. However, I did not design SS and accept no responsibility for its inadequacies as a program. I would like the money that I was forced to contribute over the years back.
Switching gears, the rant here on 1500 involves an individual who feels entitled to money contributed wholly by others, based on a premise of lying and irresponsibility. Ruby wants to reap the benefits of others, through and through.
I, simply, want my money back and not a dime more. I understand that “more” may happen, but the program’s inherent flaws should make the difference between the issues being discussed here fairly apparent.
If not, then sorry – I don’t know what to tell ya.
Good luck! 🙂
Steve @ Think Save Retire recently posted…The single most expensive part of car ownership is…
I’m not condoning Ruby’s behavior at all. She is “using the system.” Like you will someday, she is essentially taking advantage of “design flaws in the system.”
Considering your view, you must understand that while You are not violating the “letter” of the law (i.e., SS benefits), You are in-fact violating the “intent” of the law (i.e., SS is an insurance program for the benefit of the elderly, widowed, and disabled). So, when you rant about Ruby’s government assistance, you fail to see that you are morally equivalent to Ruby.
You have paid taxes into SS. Well, Ruby (i.e., her household) have paid taxes as well, she is just getting some of the back through the food stamps that have been granted via “design flaws” in the system.
Honestly, I singled out your comment because of your conflicting stances: (1) Ruby is a “taker, ” and that is morally repugnant; and (2) You have determined how to exploit social securities’ flaws, and therefore will also will be a “taker” if/when you (i.e., your wife) collects SS.
There is a moral contradiction here in your statements.
I too have significant issues with how Ruby chooses to live her life, focused on materialism and in a debt/death spiral that will end up impacting more than just herself.
But I do not consider her government assistance repugnant.
Like you, I plan to retire early and “benefit” from the flaws in SS. This is our current system, and I will maximize my personal benefit even though I expect to not need it. However, as soon as I “complain” about someone else gaming government assistance (and taking from rich people), I will be a hypocrite.
Cool, sounds good! Appreciate you setting me straight. 🙂
Steve @ Think Save Retire recently posted…The single most expensive part of car ownership is…
I have relatives like that. Sometimes, you can’t even lead the horse to water.
Financial Velociraptor recently posted…Musings on UVXY
I work with many people easily making 150k a year. There are so many of them that redline it though. No savings, have to put xmas gifts on credit cards, massive mortgages, ect. Know the one common thread? The spendy wife who controls the finances (in all cases stay-at-home mom). And I’m totally cool with stay at home moms, there are plenty of rational people who don’t do the above. These people are literally one disaster/setback away from financial ruin. Sad about Ruby’s kids.
I had one guy literally admit he can’t control his wife and she sucks every penny that comes in but he knows if he says anything she’ll take him to the cleaners. I had another who admits his wife can’t take care of the finances and gets them into horrible debt but that he doesn’t have time to manage the finances. Like really?
You should buy her a book like a David Ramsey one or something and anonymously mail it to her. It is painful watching people destroy their lives financially.
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I enjoyed the “ruby off rails” programmer humor :). Most people that buy organic cherry pick certain things to buy, they usually don’t just blanket buy everything organic. Also “snacks” is a foreign concept to me these days. I buy flour, spices, yeast, meat, dairy, vegetables and fruit. No soda, juices, junk food or prepackaged foods. Really makes you feel like grocery stores are unnecessarily large. Now I’m one of those people trying to convince others “no, making this stuff doesn’t really take more time!” Or mess for that matter.
It’s weird people look at us like we’re depriving ourselves from stuff when they don’t understand we usually genuinely don’t want it or care.
I don’t think paying people to do things is a form of status. Anyone can go into deep debt paying people to do things. As you just proved, even Ruby. Buying stuff to show off is like trash talk. Do you have the investments and savings to back up that trash talk? Or are you horribly in debt up to your eyeballs. That’s like a 5′ 110 pound kid trash talking he can kick the ass of a 6′ 220 pound body builder. Except we can directly see the kid doesn’t have the goods to backup the talk.
If I ever do buy a new BMW M3 or a build a really nice fancy house, you better believe I have serious cash to back it up. In that scenario I’d have more than enough to retire but still working because I love it.
As far as changing people, you might be able to change the husband, but it sounds like Ruby is a lost cause. If she’s young she might learn a bit and tweak some habits, but don’t ever expect people like that to turn into one of us. They live for now, not the future and always see any changes they make as depriving themselves.
Wow, I feel bad for the kids. The adults self-destructing is one thing, but to bring kids into such a dysfunctional household is just sad and wrong.
Wow that stinks… I never grew up poor, but money management wasn’t a strong suit in the house. Maybe that contributed to why I’m a nutso, financial independence goal setting, wealth building accountant.
Just like everyone else, I feel bad for the kids. It’s a controversial subject I’m sure, but I agree with people that you should at least be able to put food on the table, without issue, before you can have kids (or 5) in a place like the US.
Fervent Finance recently posted…Financial Independence Stealth Mode
I would have to say that the most disturbing part of this rant to me has to be the welfare part. I appreciate the need to be on welfare. When I was a kid my dad stopped making nuclear bombs and took a job in tech. We took a 50% pay cut. My mom started cleaning houses for a living and we still qualified for food assistance. So I’ve been there, I’ve received it.
That said, how can she want a pool, get a new purse, expect a new car and at the same time ask that the rest of us who are working to pay for her “necessities?” I don’t get it. Can someone explain this one to me?
I am not sure who said it, but this is certainly a case where, “broke is temporary and poor is permanent.”
David of the Debt Free Guys recently posted…Financial Distractions: How We Overcame Disco Debt
“That said, how can she want a pool, get a new purse, expect a new car and at the same time ask that the rest of us who are working to pay for her “necessities?” I don’t get it. Can someone explain this one to me?”
BINGO!! I ****ing hate people who feel entitled. Really bothers me. Why should we work for your big screen TV, front loader washer and new car. GRRRR!!!!
Oh my. That’s a tough one to watch especially for that long, but I think we’ve all seen neighbors like that. As my wife and I walk through our neighborhood, you’ll hear me say something like “Oh look, so and so got a big(ger) screen TV” since you can always see the box sitting out by the trash!
This is especially true after Christmas. It’s hard to watch people destroy their lives like that, but really there’s nothing we can ever say to change their minds. Like Mr. 1500 said, we can only try to set a good example and even that only goes so far! Entertaining in one way, but definitely sad.
Seeking Saturdays recently posted…But What If the Stock Market Crashes?
I completely understand why you’re angry (it makes me angry too!) and unfortunately, it appears the situation is going to have to hit rock bottom for the whole family before anything can improve. A lot of our anger and frustration is that we feel like we can and should do something to change things, but the reality is that only Ruby and her husband are in a position to do that. The serenity prayer was invented for times like this.
Gary @ Super Saving Tips recently posted…8 Money Mistakes That Can Ruin Your Finances
What an excellent Thursday Rant today! Grrrr. Just please don’t say they have one of those fake Handicap hang tags for parking at Whole Foods, ’cause then we’d have to double down shift into Friday.
Rant away, sometimes it’s the only thing that doesn’t make you go crazy on the outside.
Even Steven recently posted…The Plan
LOL 🙂 So true!
Laurie @thefrugalfarmer recently posted…How to Feed Your Family for Less Part 1
Hello Mrs. 1500, albeit we completely and utterly agree with your concerns that she is putting her family into a disaster scenario by her out of control spending. Her choice to eat only organic foods should be the last item to pick on. Besides the obviously health benefit of getting less chemicals in you system, the added benefit that you are supporting a sustainable food supply is something we should all aspire too for the sake of our offspring and fellow humans. Yes, it is much more expensive personally, you are compensating for the cost of environmental damage down the road (which is usually far more expensive and will be paid for by all of us in some shape or form).
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The thing that bothers me about the organics is that they have complained about not being able to afford good. If you have the choice of going hungry or buying GMO corn, I think you should choose to feed your children.
The other thing, which we didn’t mention in the post, is that these people smoke LOADs of weed. Every day. Multiple times per day. When pregnant. They prefer “the good stuff,” do don’t grow it themselves. The damage you’re doing to your body from inhaling all of that smoke has to be worse than any pesticides. And then there is the financial part of that.
“Yes, it is much more expensive personally, you are compensating for the cost of environmental damage down the road (which is usually far more expensive and will be paid for by all of us in some shape or form).”
I like your long term state of mind and it’s similar to climate change. Either pay a little bit now or pay 1000x that when Manhattan is below sea level.
I would call DCFS if their kids are hungry or if there is excessive drug use. Who knows what’s really happening to those kids? This sounds like it meets the legal definition of neglect.
Man, I think this story is all too familiar. You feel terrible for people like this but, as you mention in the epilogue, people don’t like to be criticized. I’m of the same mindset. I don’t like others telling me what to do and so I simply try to do the best I can and lead by example, respecting other’s feelings, as they surely don’t like criticism, either. Hard to bite your tongue sometimes, but it’s the best approach.
Like you said, poor kids. They’ll never know any different. It reminds me of a story – I know someone who works in a low income school district. She volunteered to take underprivileged kids Christmas shopping over the holidays but she stopped doing it after a while because she would show up to their trailer and the parents would be watching tv on a big screen TV with their kids on the couch with an iPad. Priorities are all screwed up. Anyway, good rant.
-DP
DP @ Someday Extraordinary recently posted…Investing in Others’ Dreams
You know, it’s funny – we actually know two couples like this…
One couple (who just happens to be my brother and his wife) spends money likes it’s nothing – they love the champagne lifestyle and they make good money. They don’t really have a savings account (they do save in their 401(k) though). It’s the complete opposite of us. The difference between us though is that they never had kids. So they don’t need to worry about college education, passing anything down, etc. They enjoy working and don’t plan to retire early so this works for them.
The other couple are close friends of ours. They make about the same amount of money as my wife and I do, but they are always behind the 8-ball. They live in a not-so-great area and have two mortgages on a house they don’t even like. The debt makes them miserable and they want out. However, they don’t want out enough… every time they decide it’s crunch time, they bail and either book a big vacation, buy new toys (they just bought a hot tub), and continue to eat out and drink all the time. Love them dearly, but obviously that’s not going to work. It drives my wife nuts that it drives me nuts, but I only want the best for them and can’t really say anything… well not too much anyway! 😉
— Jim
RouteToRetire recently posted…What if…
Can’t fix stupid. If these kids are healthy and relatively happy then they are better off than 99% of the world’s children.
Hopefully they will grow up and learn from their parents mistakes.
Wow… That’s got to be hard to watch. I think we’ve all seen similar scenarios unfold and felt totally helpless. The really tough part is, budget counselling wouldn’t work anyway. Your neighbour’s issue isn’t financial, it’s psychological. Until she understands self-worth isn’t measured in ‘stuff’ she’s not going to change. It’s such a pity her family will also pay the price…
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YES! This. Exactly. It’s not a matter of not being good with money. It’s a matter of deep problems along the same lines as hoarders or addicts of other kinds. As much as they need budget help, she needs a serious intervention, and they’re probably going to need marriage counseling.
Obviously she isn’t happy and continues to try to find ways to fill whatever it is making her feel empty. A pool, nice cars, being ‘healthy’ by only eating organic, more kids. Hopefully they can figure it out and manage to save their future before hitting absolute rock bottom.
Ugh – cringe-a-licious all the way through. There’s no way to make people see what they don’t want to see. Short-sighted vision, I like to call it. No ability to envision the future, so instead they cater to short term desires. The problem is that tomorrow, and next week, and next year, and next decade, will indeed come. BTW, we buy organic in lots of things but still only spend $400 a month on groceries. It is possible to eat organic foods on a budget, even for a big family.
Laurie @thefrugalfarmer recently posted…How to Feed Your Family for Less Part 1
That’s great that you’re able to keep the bill low. For some reason, these folks seem to think that Whole Foods is the only acceptable place to buy groceries, despite the fact that every store sells organic these days.
“There’s no way to make people see what they don’t want to see.”
I know, right? It bothers me because I’m so happy and content with my life. I could make their life incredibly great with just a couple tweaks.
If this woman ever complains about her life, I have learned to ask people “What do you get out of it?”. When they protest “I’m not getting anything out of it”. I always reply back “Sure, you are. If you didn’t get anything out of it, you wouldn’t do it. Think for a minute and let me know.” Then I wait.
Sometimes it works. I have a friend who decided to go to Overeaters Anonymous when I asked her what she got out of being overweight. It turns out, she didn’t want a relationship with a man to threaten her relationship with her dad. Once she figured it out, she lost 60 lbs, and has keep the weight off for years. Also went back to get her bachelors degree and teach overseas. Her life is so much better since that once short conversation we had. Of course, she was not nearly as far gone as Ruby, but this “what do you get out of it” line of questioning can be very effective.
That story is sad in so many ways. I just feel bad for the children.
Tre recently posted…What A Week! 2015-28
I see this kind of situation every single day at work.
Families who are “poor” yet have plenty of money for alcohol, cigarettes and lottery tickets. The worse bit is the kids are usually fantastic when you speak to them and, despite their clear failings, absolutely adore their parents. It really hurts when you see them grow up over the years to become exactly like their mum and dad and sadly very few escape the cycle.
I’ve worked closely with our social services and parents will often”play the game” by making token changes to pacify care workers however never once have I seen anyone make a actual sustained change to improve theirs or their children’s lifestyle. To suggest that they are “wrong” is generally met with hostility and I know it is defeatist but I have long since given up trying to change peoples minds. Sometimes hard lessons are the only ones that stick.
It’s very sad that Ruby’s children will have to learn those same lessons through no fault of their own.
FIbrairan recently posted…I want to ride my bicycle
Keeping up with the Jones’s is exhausting. I hope to wave at the Jones’s as I drive away to an awesome retirement in my fancy new car to my fancy vacation spot….Okay, maybe I won’t be that lavish, but the point is, you guys (and the rest of us reading) are being thrifty in order to be able to retire, and the people who are concerned with status will probably be working until they die because they can’t afford it any other way. Keep your chin up!