In this post, I present you with two thought exercises. The first helps me get off the hedonic treadmill that I seem to be addicted to. The second helps me live bigger which I also struggle with.
Exercise 1: Stepping Off The Hedonic Treadmill
Hedonic treadmill: The hedonic treadmill, also known as hedonic adaptation, is a psychological concept that describes how people tend to return to a relatively stable, baseline level of happiness or sadness after experiencing major positive or negative events or life changes.
How this applies to me:
My life is great and I should be grateful every damn second that I’m awake! Often, I’m not.
You’re On The Wrong Treadmill
I was at the gym last week when my stupid monkey brain let a bad thought infiltrate it. Like a fool, I allowed myself to entertain it and quickly went into a downward spiral. I got more agitated and upset as more painful memories stormed in. But then I caught myself:
Why are you dwelling on events that happened 35 years ago? It’s 2 in the afternoon and you’re at the gym having a great workout. The fact that you got here at 12pm (2 hours at the gym!) without having to worry about a job or any other distractions is enough to be really happy about.
But that wasn’t all:
- The gym wasn’t crowded, so I had no issue using any of the equipment.
- I had a great workout and managed a set of 17 clean pull ups, a new personal record. (I was never able to do more than one pull up until my late 30s when I tried P90x workouts. The fact that I can do 17 in one set now is something I should be thrilled about.)
- I’m 51 and while my shoulders hurt a little bit when I sleep on my side, I have no other health issues. Everything pretty much feels great and works awesome!
- At the gym, I ran into a good friend and we had a nice conversation.
- Earlier that day, I had reconnected with another really great friend.
I realized that I was on the hedonic treadmill. Even when you’re life is so great you think you may be living in a dream or a simulation, you still get used to it. It was time to get off the hedonic treadmill and on to the real one!
So, I pulled myself out of my silly shit spiral, but was still a little miffed with myself. I don’t think I appreciate my life enough. But then a helpful thought exercise occurred to me:
What would 20-year-old-me think of my life now?
I’d tell Younger-Me this if could go back in time:
You have a wonderful life. You have a happy marriage with two great kids. No one has health issues. You live a great community surrounded by good people. And you’re a multimillionaire who left work at the age of 43.
Young Me would then tell Old Me he was full of shit. There’s no way life could have worked out that well.
As a kid, my life was sometimes filled with chaos. My dad was a good provider, but in other aspects, didn’t grow up and become a responsible adult until I was in my teens. I have some horrible memories I wouldn’t wish on anyone. So as a kid, I didn’t dream big. I just worried about my dad making it home after a night of extreme drinking. And then I worried what bad things he would do should he make it home. I didn’t think much about the future. I only wanted peace, security and to be treated with kindness*.
But now, here I am and life is great. If I knew I was going to die today, I wouldn’t be thrilled about it, but I’d have no regrets.
You: What would Young You think of Current You?
Exercise 2: Why Am I Not Living Bigger?
And then I had another thought (I was still at the gym and had this one between arm exercises):
What would 80-year-old-me think of the life 50-year-old-me is living now. Am I living the life I should be living?
This one is a little more tricky. We have kids still at home, so that restricts some of what we can do. We’re not going to take a 3 week repositioning cruise or live in Portugal for a season as some of our friends have done.
Also, we’re really happy with out lives. We like our neighborhood. We like our routines. Our cars are great. As Charlie Munger would have said, “I have nothing to add.”
So what do we do? Here are some things we spend money on:
- Services that ease the friction of daily life:
- I dislike working on cars, so I outsource that.
- We have a home cleaner that comes a couple of times per month. I’d rather spend my time writing or working on other projects.
- Upgrading experiences:
- When we go to a concert or show, we pay up for better seats.
- No clue why, but paying for parking always drove me nuts. Time is worth more than endlessly circling for a spot, so I pay for that too.
- We go out to eat less now, but when we do, we go to better places.
- When we travel:
- We get accommodations with a walkable location.
- We park at the fancy, close parking lot at the airport. It costs twice as much as the remote lot, but saves us 90 minutes of farting around with shuttle buses. Note: I look forward to a time in the near future (2030?) when a robotaxi can take me to the airport safely and efficiently, eliminating the need to drive altogether.
- Instead of renting a car at our destination, we rely on rideshare services to get around. Few things are worse than waiting in line and than dealing with the rental counter at the airport! (When I do need to rent a car, I use Avis Preferred or Turo to skip the rental counter.)
- Health:
- I have a membership to the local rec center, but also have nice equipment at home. I like frequent changes of scenery and changing up my routine.
- We have a fancy, cash-only doctor. The service here is much better than what we get through traditional insurance. MMM wrote about the provider, Cloud, here.
- Generosity:
- We pick up the check often, including at events like EconoMe when we bought pizza for 50 of our closest friends.
- We have invested in three local businesses. Our money would have been much better invested in the S&P 500, but I feel good about supporting folks trying to make the community better.
- We give to charities that are important to us and our friends. We’ll most likely end up giving most of our money away.
Post-kids, we’ll let it rip a little more. We’ll probably rent or maybe even buy a place in the mountains to be close to the outdoors. Being outside is a critical component to my happiness.
So, I think that the 80 year old version of myself would be alright with how I’m living now. I should probably stop price comparison shopping at the grocery store, but other than that, not much to optimize.
You: What would Old You think of Current You?
Caught In A Rut?
It’s easy to get caught in a rut. We’re like frogs in boiling water, only in a good way. Our circumstances are probably much better than they ever were, but we just get used to it. I know Young Me would be in awe of my life now. I should be in awe of it every day too.
And decades old behaviors are hard to shake no matter how good and rich our lives become. When we’re young, it’s great to prioritize money. A dollar saved at age 25 means MUCH more than one saved at 50. But when we’re old and in a good financial position, it’s silly not to prioritize time.
Whenever I have a bad thought, I’m going to remind myself of how great my life is. Whenever I waste precious minutes to save a couple dollars, I’m going to remind myself of how important my time is.
Life is good.
More 1500 Days!!!
You can also find me (and the dinosaurs) at:
- BiggerPockets: Hey look, I’m on a podcast again: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DOFfBN7cxg
- YouTube: My channel is mostly devoted to home improvement, but I have some other material coming up soon too.
- Instagram: Pretty pictures of dinosaurs, sunsets, and nail guns!
- Twitter: Spontaneous, often insane, ramblings
- Coworking space: On the surface, MMM HQ is a coworking space. Look a little deeper and you’ll see that we’re really building community. The members of MMM HQ are some of the finest people I know
- Buying a Tesla? Use my referral code to get some perks!
*My dad could be extremely cruel. He didn’t like kids and would remind me of it frequently. I didn’t understand why. I didn’t ask to be here. Why did he make fun of me? Why did he call me Little Asshole? I was a well behaved kid who made honor roll and never wound up in detention.
I didn’t fight back; I just sat there and took the unprovoked attacks. I used to really dislike myself for it (“Why didn’t I stand up to him?“). But now I think it was for the better. Rebellion may have manifested itself in bad behavior like drugs or worse.
I’m at peace now. He couldn’t overcome his own bad childhood and passed the pain on to me. Generational trauma is a hard cycle to break, but I have broken it.
Life is good.
Hi Carl! It’s hard to de-monkey a monkey brain, I’m working on that myself 🙂 What would young me think of current me? I think young me would be glad I was in such a stable setup right now, since I always worried about whether or not I would be a “real” grown up. Future me? I think future me would think I am TOO stable currently, and should shake things up while I still have the time and “youth” for it!
Thank you for the thought experiments! I kind of landed where you did, except I wish we would pay more for airport parking, but we are still at the 90 minute shuttle and farting around phase. Even worse, we got a speeding ticket last time driving to the faraway lot.
What I really want to thank you for is your asterisked paragraph. You have genuinely provided some life-changing re-framing for me. I have also reproached myself many times for not standing up to a parent and defending myself. But reading your story made me see how clearly you (and I) were a CHILD. A child is not expected to have the rhetorical skills to persuade a parent (=exactly why the parent picks on them). And maybe my passivity which I hated myself for was a survival skill that worked out better for me in the long run.
Your post today gave me a lot to think about, thank you!
Hey Peter, thanks for your comment.
Asterisked paragraph: Thanks for the kind comment. I almost deleted that part (What purpose does it serve?). But I left it in thinking that maybe it could help someone else. And to be clear, I still struggle too. I suppose I always will and that’s OK.
You’re right about kids not having the skills. We’re like a kicked dog I suppose. The more abuse we get, the more we want to be loved.
The other thing I did until very recently was minimize it all. “Sure he called me terrible things, but he didn’t beat the shit out of me like he promised he would. So that’s a win for me. All good.” It’s probably a human defense mechanism to make the best of a situation. You see it all the time: “The tornado took out my house, but I’m alive. Yay!”
In any case, I hope you’re in an awesome place now. And speeding tickets suck!!!! I left my kid’s Student Driver sticker on my car. Perhaps the police will be less likely to pull me over?!??
I also struggle with haunting memories of a difficult childhood. It is easy feel alone when those memories come up, so I appreciate that Carl shared that.
I often did stand up to my abusers, and it generally resulted in them doubling down. They assured my it was my fault and there was something wrong with me, lots of gaslighting and manipulation, so that left its own type of emotional scar.
I’m doing what I can to offer myself opportunities to heal those old neuropathways, as well as to create new more pleasant pathways. I’m grateful for a modest level of F.I. because it does allow me to stop amd take care of myself when needed.
“I often did stand up to my abusers, and it generally resulted in them doubling down.”
Wow, that’s rough. Abuse on top of abuse. But if someone is warped to hurt a child in the first place, it’s probably going to be difficult to make them come around.
“I’m doing what I can to offer myself opportunities to heal those old neuropathways, as well as to create new more pleasant pathways.”
Do you have any tips to share? I’d be curious to know what has worked for you and what has not.
I get the concept of thought exercise No. 1, but that’s not how it would really work. To a young you, any version of middle age is going to be considered failure. The simple failure of having grown old. No twenty something has ever looked on a fifty something with envy. They might want your money or your car, but they’d never want to be you because, well, you are 51 and invisible to attractive young women and irrelevant to everyone else. That’s not how I see you, but I’m pushing 70. I think a better thought experiment might be to think about how deathbed aged you sees present you. He’d actually envy your relative youth.
25 year old me would be so blown away by 40 year old me. When I was 25 I was leaving grad school and wanted nothing more than to get a job in industry and maybe buy a house. I never dreamed I’d have a paid off house and a few million bucks invested and have work be optional. I also never though I’d have a lovely, beautiful wife and a baby.
Every day I find myself exclaiming how good we have it. Every grocery run I marvel how a $19 steak is considered a reasonable weeknight meal, a $50 bottle of booze a reasonable nightly drink, a brand new 500hp rocketship EV in the garage reasonable transportation.
Of course I also feel a lot of survivor’s guilt and find myself running numbers on my friends’ houses, feeling guilty that they could never support a family on a single salary, and I’m sitting over here, FI.
Thanks for the inspiration over the years, Carl. The FI blogosphere’s influence has been massively positive.
What great insight. Taking a bunch of notes and tips from your experience. Thank you.
I am in awe of you leaving at retiring at 43,
I am 51 and will be retiring at 52 and ask myself why I haven’t hit the eject button already. Younger version of me had the plan of freedom 50, and I am sure older 80 year old version of me would say your body is not getting any younger enjoy all the active things you can now!
Like you I have kids at home and other responsibilities also a wife who wants us to retire together so one more year of work for me.
I too am glad that you left in the asterisked paragraph. A mistake we often make is judging our child selves by the same measures that we judge our today selves and that’s deeply imbalanced. You broke a generational trauma cycle in your 50s. That’s truly deeply wonderful.
Disagree with Steveark’s comment though. 20 year old me would be shocked (positive) at my 40+ year old life: I’m financially stable with a supportive spouse, two kids who are pretty great, I have a strong professional reputation and most of all? I’m still alive and healing from my childhood trauma. I’m still in pain and suffer from fatigue every day but it’s less severe than it was in my college years. When I was 21, I worked on my will to take care of my aging parents because I thought I’d be dead by or before 32. I’m even in a position to help others who are more vulnerable and less well off. I can keep building so I can keep helping folks but for myself? I’m content.
My life today is challenging but pretty damn amazing to Past Me. ♥️
Revanche @ A Gai Shan Life recently posted…My kids and notes: Year 10.2
“A mistake we often make is judging our child selves by the same measures that we judge our today selves and that’s deeply imbalanced.”
You’re so right about that and it’s something I’ve only recently come to terms with. No clue why I thought 8-year-old-me should have had the same emotional intelligence as old me. I was angry at child-me for a long time and that was silly. *sigh*
I hope you’re doing awesome!
My kid is going to a school in your neck of the woods and I’ll be on an epic road trip with her in August to drop her off. I’m really looking forward to visiting your great state again.
I really enjoyed this post. I’m glad you’re back to writing a bit more often. Life is really good. I say this as I’m sitting here in the NICU with my premature son. It’s been a stressful couple of months, but realizing that I don’t need to worry about money while going through this stuff has been great. It’s hard to always keep how good life is in mind when you’re going through a stressful situation.
Sorry about your dad. Sounds like a sucky situation.
Oh man, so sorry to hear about your baby. I hope he gets to a good place ASAP.
He’s doing well. We’re really hoping to be going home next week!
Great post.
I’m enjoying your new direction.
Thank you!
Thanks for sharing this. There is so much happening in the world, and it often feels overwhelming trying to keep up, especially since I started my FIRE journey. Each day brings a new insight that completely challenges what I believe just the day before. I truly appreciate bloggers like you who share their first hand experience. It has helped me learn more quickly and stay motivated on this path.
Hi Carl!
Whenever you decided to visit Potugal, post it and we’ll b more than glad to host you guys! 😉
Keep the good job incentivantig all of us to FIRE!
🙏
LOVE this! Same for you next time you’re in Colorado!
And don’t offer things like this unless your serious because I WILL take you up on it! 🙂
This is a great post. I am really emotional reading this as well as happy for your new direction.
I had few childhood traumas that I constantly battle. I am trying to make peace with them. Mostly successful but it comes back sometimes. Forgiving is easier than forgetting. I have long forgiven my extended family for which I had trauma.
I am happy when
I am talking to my wife after a long day at work
I am around other happy and positive people
I run
I make my favorite food to feed my friends
I spend time with my kids
I talk to my parents
I laugh with my sisters
I met and enjoy with my tribe
Aww Carl – you are such a wonderful person and I wish you a very Happy Father’s Day. I love how willing you are to share and be vulnerable. I am also in the generational trauma club and I think we have both come through it with buckets of empathy and compassion. Yes, it comes with negative things too, but we got through it. You are bringing strength to all who read your blog!!!
Marla! So nice to hear from you. But I’m also sad because it’s been years since I’ve seen you. 🙁
Thank you for the kind comment.
“I think we have both come through it with buckets of empathy and compassion.”
Oof. You’re right. But a couple thoughts:
1) I was a real jerk to my siblings when I was a kid. Thinking back, I think this was my version of generational trauma. Sorry sisters.
2) Yeah, I think we’re both pretty decent people (although I’m still faaaaar from perfect). Perhaps I’m a better person because I was hurt as a kid? Dunno if that matters. Dunno…
Perhaps I should stop looking back though too. The past doesn’t hold much for anyone.
Ah, I see what is wrong with your travel section.
You stated that you have farted around the shuttle busses…WHEN in fact you should have been farting inside the shuttle busses. It makes the ride much more enjoyable because everyone stays away from you;)
This post hit me right in the gut—in the best way possible. Your raw honesty about the hedonic treadmill and generational trauma is so powerful. That moment at the gym where you shifted from spiraling to gratitude? I’ve been there (though my ‘pull-up record’ is more like… one shaky attempt!).
Your thought exercises are genius. I tried the ‘What would 20-year-old me think?’ test and nearly cried—turns out my younger self would be stunned by the stability and joy in my life today. (She’d also be horrified I still comparison-shop toothpaste, but hey, old habits die hard.)
Question: How do you balance ‘living bigger’ with the discipline that got you to FI? I’m torn between upgrading experiences and my ingrained frugality—especially with kids still at home. Your parking-lot vs. time tradeoff resonated HARD.
Also: Your breakdown of generational trauma and breaking the cycle? Chef’s kiss. Needed to hear that today. Keep these existential gym musings coming—they’re therapy disguised as blog posts.
“…turns out my younger self would be stunned by the stability and joy in my life today.”
What a wonderful and beautiful thing to be able to say! Congratulations on getting to an awesome place.
“Question: How do you balance ‘living bigger’ with the discipline that got you to FI?”
Oof. this is hard. Random thoughts:
1) I try not to sacrifice time for money. TSA Precheck which allows me to get through airports faster is totally worth the $75! I just pay up for parking now instead of searching endlessly for a parking spot. If I’m traveling, I pay up for accommodations near where I want to be so I don’t have to waste time sitting in cars to get to places. I also greatly enjoy touring new places on foot or bike, so being close to the action allows me to do this.
2) Experiment. You don’t know what’s going to make you happy unless you try it. If it doesn’t work out, it’s not a failure; it’s an optimization. Now you don’t have to worry about doing that thing ever again and can refocus.
3) Consider the difference in cost, not the overall cost. Sometimes I would consider buying the more expensive concert ticket, but fretted over paying $200 for it. A better way to think about it is that I’m paying $50 more than the cheaper ticket.
4) Deep down, this is really about what you value. If you value music, pay up for good headphones and good concert tickets. If you value food, spend your money there. At the same time, continue to save on the stuff you don’t care about.
What are your thoughts?