I have something amazing to tell you about today. After more than two years of planning, I’m thrilled to be the first to let you know about an incredible event that will take place this summer:
Longmont Colorado, arguably the epicenter of the FIRE movement, will host the first-ever, FIRE Olympics! Contestants will participate in events designed to challenge the body and mind alike. Winners will be awarded the coveted Iron ‘Stache:
The opening ceremony begins when the FIRE Torch arrives at Folsom Field and ignites the FIRE Olympics Dumpster Fire:
Events will be held at different facilities in and around Longmont. A full calendar along with ticketing information will be announced soon. In the meantime, here are some of the highlights:
Participants will have 15 minutes to scour the contents of a dumpster for treasure. Contestants will be scored on:
- Finds: What treasures can you uncover from the depths of the dumpster?
- Form: Do you exhibit grace and poise or do you look like a rabid raccoon on meth? Style counts.
- Time: Dig like the wind.
Do you have a partner who shares your love of the dumpster? Sign up for what may be the most anticipated event of the FIRE Olympics, Synchronized Dumpster Diving!
Shit Car Rally/ Concours d’Crap
In this riveting event, participants will compete in a 10-mile rally-style race followed by concours judging.
Participants will be judged based on their performance navigating a 10-mile rally-circuit. You’ll navigate around town and be judged on:
- Speed: Speed wastes fuel. The participant to finish slowest will be awarded extra points.
- Road treasures: Have you ever found miscellaneous tools or other treasures on the shoulder of the road? Come back with items that were defenestrated from other vehicles for bonus points!
- Finishing: You must finish the race. The FIRE Olympics rewards those with shitty cars, but not that shitty.
After the rally, vehicles will be judged in a concours style event. But, this isn’t your typical beauty contest:
- Age: Vehicles will be awarded points based on age. The older, the better!
- Rust: Screw the Joneses! Those holes in your car a badge of honor!
- Mileage: 200,000 miles you say? That’s beginner FIRE. Show the judges 500,000 if you want a shot at the podium!
Note: Extra points will be awarded for extensive use of Bondo and duct tape.
401k Tax Hurdles
Ask yourself these questions:
- Did you make $120,000 last year and only pay $5.38 in taxes?
- Do you know the difference between a Roth IRA and JD Roth?
- Have you gotten married or moved to another country for the sole purpose of minimizing your payments to Uncle Sam?
- Does IRS.gov read like a juicy romance novel?
- Do you have the Mad Fientist logo tattoo in a naughty place?
- Do you think Budgets are Sexy?
If you answered “yes” to any of the above, you may be ready for the 401K Tax Hurdles. In this mind-bending, number-crunching event, contestants will be given a financial scenario and then have 15 minutes to create a tax-avoidance plan. The Mad Fientist will be the celebrity guest judge. You will be scored on:
- Tax loopholes: How many can you find?
- Investments: Which are the best for minimizing your tax bill?
- Geographic arbitrage: Texas, Portugal, an oil rig in international waters, or a South American country with a non-extradition policy; which one best suits the scenario?
Note: Any use of questionable, performance-enhancing strategies (looking at you Cayman Islands and phishermen) will result in immediate disqualification and a free audit from the IRS!
Most Extreme Side-Hustle
Hello Hustlers! How far will you go to make a little extra cash?
- Do you shovel poop?
- Craig the shit out of Craigslist?
- Work on a crab boat for 3 months of the year?
Contestants will be judged on creativity and income.
Note: Selling your body, if you catch my drift, is disallowed.
Fastest Aldi Bike Trip
In this event, you’ll cycle 10 miles to Aldi, purchase 25 pounds of cucumbers, and cycle back.
Contestants will be judged on:
- Time: Pedal like the wind! No ebikes! Judges will totally see you not pedaling and will disqualify your ass.
- Cucumbers: Pick produce your mother would be proud of.
See You In Longmont?
The FIRE Olympics are going to be incredible.
Guts, gumption, and glory.
Do you have what it takes?
Come find out in Longmont this summer. We’ll be announcing more details soon. In the meantime, Happy April Fool’s Day.
If that post didn’t give you your fill of brain-numbing stupidity, check this out.
More 1500 Days!!!
You can also find me (and the dinosaurs) at:
- EconoMe: Hey look, I’m speaking at EconoMe later this year!
- Facebook: Facebook group and page
- YouTube: My channel is mostly devoted to home improvement, but I have some other material coming up soon too.
- Instagram: Pretty pictures of dinosaurs, sunsets, and nail guns!
- Twitter: Spontaneous, often insane, ramblings
- Coworking space: On the surface, MMM HQ is a coworking space. Look a little deeper and you’ll see that we’re really building community. The members of MMM HQ are some of the finest people I know.
Other resources I like:
- Camp FIs are amazingly fun! I hope to attend Rocky Mountain and Joshua Tree this year. See you there?
- Need to learn how to invest? The Simple Path to Wealth is all you need.
- New to FIRE? Need some FIREy guidance? Check out Fiology and the accompanying workbook!
Join the 10s who have signed up already!
Subscribing will improve your life in incredible ways*.
*Only if your life is pretty bad to begin with.
J. Money says
I’m ready for the 401K Tax Hurdles!!
I can’t believe others have that Mad Fientist tattoo too!!
J. Money recently posted…Bringing Sexy Back to Your Greenbacks
I hear that Ben, The Man Who Gets His Cars for Free, will be judging the car competition.
Mr Crazy Kicks says
“Do you shovel poop?” I sure do! Just spent a day cleaning out the chicken coop and spreading compost in the garden.
In a funny way, I feel I’ve been training my whole life for this!
Awesome, I was pranked this morning at 5:18AM by a fellow morning runner. So I was already ready for this! I think I have gullible written on my forehead.
Dan M says
My 2012 Toyota is training for the 2036 games…I’m told age 24 is peak athleticism, peak rust.
Jesse recently posted…Silver: A Golden Opportunity
Full Time Finance says
Someone already beat you to the crap car race. Checkout 24 hour de’lemons.
Nothing to do with today’s date, just thought it’s funny you joked about a real event. And no I’ve never entered, but I do know people who have competed.
Full Time Finance recently posted…The Impacts of Covid on Budgeting
You beat me to the punch with this comment. A group of guys from my husband’s engineering firm participated in a Tour de’ lemons race a few years ago. There is a definite similarity of concept.
Joe Saul-Sehy says
Fantastic event. I still look at my bronze medal from the “06 FIRE Olympics and think, “what a shit-show that was!”
Joe Saul-Sehy recently posted…Our Top 5 Lessons from 2020 (plus last-minute tax tips from Ed Slott)
Well shoot, I guess they canceled the Conversion Laddering Race this year…
Chris recently posted…Just Do a Budget Already
Mr. Tako says
Dang, I was hoping there’d be a napping event. I could medal in that!
Mr. Tako recently posted…March 2021 Dividend Income And Expenses
Charlie @ doginvestor.com says
I’d also like to see the cooking competitions, we’ve got a number of aspiring Foodies in the PF space judging by the blogs!
Hm. I might have a shot at Concours d’Crap. 1990. And there’s definitely rust. 🙂
I missed this one on the right day to read it but still had a good belly laugh. Thanks, Carl.
Jenni read through this the other day and told me to give it a read along with a comment: “we should actually do something like this!”
Ha. You’ve started something!
Chris@TTL recently posted…10 HSA Questions and Answers (and What Confused Me)
Haha! This may have been the best April Fools Day post I’ve read in a while! You are creative for coming up with these categories!
FreshLifeAdvice recently posted…Stocks | How To Know Which To Buy And When To Invest? [Investing Strategy 101]
BC | FrugalWheels says
To be fair, this would have made a great excused to make a summer trip to Colorado! I think I would have had a good shot at doing well in the ALDI run but it does conflict with my Poky Pedal philosophy…
Maybe I’ll just show up and start the FIRE Olympics anyway haha
BC | FrugalWheels recently posted…Rethinking financial independence | moving beyond FIRE
You wouldn’t believe the stuff I’ve found dumpster diving (at Aldi no less) a few years ago. I have filled my freezer with whole chickens, sirloin, pork shoulder, salmon, and brioche. Some hauls I have calculated were worth close to 500 dollars because of all the meat I’ve found. Never got sick from it either. The only reason I don’t anymore is because I don’t live near one now…