Please excuse my diversion from personal finance today. I have two small children, ages 6 and 3, The stuff they do and say cracks me up and today I’d like to share a story and some quotes.
The Luke Poopwalker incident happened last year. While the actual incident was horrifying, it was very fun to write about.
How I became Luke Poopwalker
If you have kids, you have a horror story involving your children’s bodily functions. Here is mine.
The wife had a massive migraine, so I took her to urgent care. After sitting there for 1.5 hours, the kids were restless and hungry, so I took them to McDonald’s while she finished treatment.
The kids finished eating and we headed into the indoor play area where Little Sister immediately produced a #2 of epic proportions. I swear, she lost half her weight. It was squirting out the back of her pants. I worried that I had no diapers in the car.
I went to lift her up (no way I’d let her walk). At the same time, I noticed two missionary types had just pulled up on their bicycles and were peering at me though the front window of the restaurant. Uh oh, really time to go now (I don’t enjoy people pushing their religion on me).
There was a diaper in the car. Phew! One diaper only though (remember this fact for later). After about 137 wipes and the new diaper, she was as good as new.
Big Sister protested leaving. After all, she had no chance to play. We went back in, walking past the missionaries who had just sat down with their food.
The kids commenced playing. Every once in a while, I looked back into the restaurant area, only to see the missionaries looking back at me. Was I their target? Please no, please no, please no.
I didn’t have time to find out their intentions. Big Sister came storming out of the play tunnel yelling, “She pooped again, she pooped again!!!!” I said, “No way, probably just a fart.” Little Sister was up in a plastic tower that I can’t fit in. I started to coax her out. At the same time, I noticed a horrific stench coming from her direction.
I finally got her out and pulled the back of her diaper away to see what was inside. No need to see though. My fingers went right into the a mess equally as bad as the one 30 minutes ago.
Disgusted and frantic. I yelled: “KIDS, WE HAVE TO GO NOW!” Big Sister started crying because her playtime was cut short once again. Little Sister saw Big Sister crying, so started crying too. I was about to cry too because my hand had poop all over it. Now, along with the missionaries, half the place was staring at me. I somehow wrangled Little Sister with my one good hand (feeling like Luke Skywalker in Empire Strikes Back) into the bathroom so I could wash up and then get to the car.
Now, we’re in the car driving back to urgent care to pick mom up. No more diapers, so Little Sister was yowling because she had to sit in her own mess. Big Sister was thoroughly annoyed and crying because she had no play time. I was trying to keep from throwing up from the horrible smell in the car. But hey, at least the missionaries didn’t get their chance!
Big Sister Knows Everything
Big sister is a know it all. Here is a recent conversation.
Big Sister: I know everything.
Me: OK, what is the sun made out of?
Big Sister: Yellow.
Me: Yellow is a color, it can’t be made out of a color.
Big Sister: Then it’s made out of plastic.
Me: No, it’s actually made out of hydrogen which gets turned into helium and other stuff as the sun produces heat via a fusion reaction.
Big Sister: OK, I know everything except what the sun is made out of.
Other funny quotes
Big Sister: Do flowers go potty?
Big Sister: Do caterpillars fart?
Little Sister: Does thunder have legs?
Big Sister: What is the opposite of a pink tornado?
Little Sister (with great enthusiasm): A cheeseburger!!!
HAHAHAHAHA!!!! “Now way, probably just a fart!” Too freakin’ much! And holy crap, your kid’s conversation sounds like our home – we have no children. Time to reevaluate, huh?
And, yes, let the missionaries accost each other;)
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McDonald’s will work much better than any laxative out there on the market. 😛
Micro recently posted…Stretching your food budget out farther
Ha, yes it will. This is a VERY rare treat.
This is hysterical! I’m lying in bed last night reading it on my iPhone and trying to keep quiet! (hard to do, it was so funny!!). But then it got me thinking………..I have NO IDEA how my mom did it raising 8……yes EIGHT! kids!! 6 boys and 2 girls! And she NEVER used the disposable diapers! It was CLOTH all the way! (BTW, do you know how much MONEY you are “throwing away” with those disposable poop catchers — not to mention what they are doing to our landfills!! 🙁 Do the “back of the napkin bath” as MMM says!!).
Kind of thinking you might be smart keeping a single rubber glove in that diaper bag for when you go “diaper diving!” Daddy! 😉
Glad you enjoyed!
The youngest is since out of diapers, but we used a combination of cloth and disposable. Not the best, but we had some issues with cloth. As it turns out, the wife has a post on this very topic to be published soon.
EIGHT KIDS! Wow! Sometimes, it’s hard to keep sanity with just two.
Forget the rubber glove, I need a hasmat suit.
This is why I want kids! So funny.
Michelle, if you still want kids after reading this story, you’ll make a great mother!
Hahahaha! This made my day! Takes me back to when my kids were little. Thanks for the laugh.
Your welcome! Glad you enjoyed!
I am so glad I read this right before bed because I am smiling and laughing. The whole panic – from the missionaries and wondering what/if they would approach to the crying and the one diaper…just great writing. I will dream sweet dreams tonight, Mr. 1500. Thank you!
Now, I just have to say your girls are just absolutely beautiful!
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I’m glad I made you laugh!
The whole story was ridiculous. As it was happening, I remember thinking, what else could possible happen? Tornado? Car through the window? Tribble invasion? Zombies?
Thanks for the comments on the girls too!
Ha! I love the pink tornado/cheeseburger exchange. It’s about as close as any answer I could give.
Thanks for sharing the story.
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Yes, that was classic. It came out of the blue one day when we were driving. I swear, I nearly peed myself!
This was hilarious. I know which story my parents would tell about me when I was in the single digits. I remember it vivadly because it was so humiliating. But, I can laugh about it now, which is good – the scarring didn’t go too deep (or is the scar tissue just growing thicker?). 😀
Time heals all, even the worst poop incidents.
This is hilarious! Oh, how I remember the poopy moments. It reminds me when my son was an infant. It still amazes me how much poop that little body can produce. My son not only pooped, but it leaked out of his diaper and onto my pants. Did I mention that I was at a kid’s birthday party when this happened? Luckily my mom’s house was nearby, but I still had to walk 6 blocks with poop stains on my pants!
It is amazing what their little bodies can do. Our older one poops like 3x per day. The younger is lucky to poop 3x per week. When she does, it’s like a little poop volcano.
The 6 block poop hike does not sound like fun.
As a fellow parent of two young daughters, I got such a kick out of this! I’ve never had nearly as bad an experience as that, but it’s amazing to think how much poop-related craziness I’ve experienced over the past 5 years that my pre-kid self would have recoiled in horror over.
It’s really amazing what you can get used to when you have no other choice!
Brad @ RichmondSavers.com recently posted…The Impact of Prepaying your Mortgage Principal Each Month
“It’s really amazing what you can get used to when you have no other choice!”
Yes! Once you have kids, you find yourself doing and saying things you never imagined. “Quit licking the shopping cart!” comes to mind immediately.
HAHAHA! I love poopy diaper stories because I live them all the time!
I’ve never used less than six wipes when addressing a #2.
It’s just not possible. If you tell me it is, you’re using Witchcraft.
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Yeah, lots of fun! I’ll probably be happy for the poopy days once they become teenagers and really start talking back to me.