1500 Days to Freedom

Think different and escape the rat race.

Rant: Horrible Gifts

by 41 Comments

I’ve been trying to cut down on the ranting, but sometimes, I can’t help myself. Today, I present you with the worst gift ideas that I could dredge up from the bowels of the internet. This post contains NO affiliate links!

 

Awful Sweatersaurus

I have some questions for you:

  • Have you ever dreamed of winning the local Ugly Sweater contest? Are you OK paying $695 to do so?
  • Do you enjoy dressing like a 4 year-old boy?

If you answered yes to either of the above, I have just the thing for you, Rexy the $695 ugly sweater:

screen-shot-2016-12-14-at-3-24-56-pm

Really Coach, $695? Maybe you could charge that if it was made out of real dinosaurs. It isn’t.

The steep price isn’t stopping Coach from selling a load of them though. Celebrities are falling over themselves to buy this thing.

Truth be told, I could totally see myself wearing this. I like dinosaurs. I also like ugly clothes. Maybe I’ll stumble on one at the thrift shop when they cease to be cool…

 

Cheese Straws!

What are cheese straws? I have no idea, but they look like a pile of yellow dog crap or a nasty type of parasitic worms:

screen-shot-2016-12-14-at-4-32-27-pm

For $79.95, you can enroll a loved (hated?) one in the Cheese Straw of the Month club. Mmmm mmmmm, the gift that keeps on giving. Except when it gives you constipation.

 

Nice P****!

I can’t say anything about these leggings without being excessively vulgar, so I’ll stop now:

screen-shot-2016-12-14-at-4-27-31-pm

 

Rock Bottom

What do you get for the person who has everything? Have you considered a rock? No, seriously. Here is one you can buy from Nordstrom for the princely price of $85:

screen-shot-2016-12-14-at-4-40-51-pm

 

I can’t make this stuff up. Nordstrom paid someone to gather rocks, put them in leather pockets, and then sold out of them. People actually bought these.

And if $85 is too much for you, Nordstrom also has a $65 dollar version.

And if $65 is too much for you, put on a jacket and step outside. There are free versions on the ground.

Join the 10s who have signed up already!

Subscribing will improve your life in incredible ways*.

*Only if your life is pretty bad to begin with.

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Comments

  2. Haha that’s a hilarious list! I had cheese straws last week for the first time and must say they are pretty dang good! That may be a steep price for joining the club, but don’t hate ’em until you try ’em!

    Reply

  4. So does that mean the pet rock thing from the 70s is making a revival? In all seriousness these items wouldn’t exist or be priced as such if not for people buying them. It really makes you wonder is advertising that effective or are some people just that dumb?

    Reply

    • The photo is unfortunate and I certainly wouldn’t want to be enrolled in a cheese-straw-of-the-month club. However, cheese straws are quite tasty. They are part of the traditional Southern food vernacular along with another baked favorite, the Benee wafer. Big at Kentucky Derby Parties or at a Savannah cocktail soirée, the cheese straw is the perfect balance for another Southern tradition, bourbon.

      Reply

  8. You know, Mrs. BITA recently recommended an app idea called “Rockster” a Tinder style app where people that can’t keep plants alive can “swipe right” to find that perfect pet rock. 🙂 If $80 collard greens and rocks are selling out, I see a niche ready to be taken advantage of!

    Although, when I pitched it to colleagues as “Rockster” Tinder for geologists, it got WAY more traction and laughs. She could be on to something though if the pet rock is coming back en vogue.
    Mr. SSC recently posted…You’ll Never Know if You Don’t Try…My Profile

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    • My reaction was similar, except it makes me wonder if the economy has entered the euphoria bubble phase, to be followed by the “I wouldn’t have thrown my money away on a rock from Nordstrom’s if I’d known a recession was coming” phase.

      Reply

  10. I don’t have any trouble imagining, say, Coach charging $695 for a sweater – heck, given that being expensive is a key part of their branding, I could see them charging that for a sweatshirt!

    The thing is, it’s so ugly. I mean, how does this product not degrade their brand of fashion iconery? Clearly, I’m not fashionable – or icony – enough to understand.

    However, I know exactly the circumstances in which those leggings are appropriate, but they involve a mother-in-law / daughter-in-law hatred so intense that until now it’s never been proven.*

    *Statement brought to you by scienceyness.

    Reply

  12. Why are ugly sweaters the new trend?? I don’t get it. My wife tells me I’m supposed to wear one for Christmas this year but I don’t have any ugly sweaters (my wife might think otherwise). I’m sure as heck not buying an ugly sweater for $695. If it were $6.95…I might consider it but probably still wouldn’t do it.

    Reply

  13. NOOOOO THAT SWEATER.

    Why. Just why. To all of these. Oh my god.

    I’m in the marketing industry and sometimes I think marketing goes way too far. Especially with $700 sweaters and $85 rock pouches. This is too much. Oh my god.

    In other news, if you’re trying to do Christmas shopping this year, consider doing DIY gifts. I did half of my gifts DIY this year and we have saved soooo much money.

    And we didn’t have to buy any rocks. 🙂
    Mrs. Picky Pincher recently posted…Easy Homemade Yeast Rolls RecipeMy Profile

    Reply

  14. Hehe, you jest about the ugly sweater. Most of the people buying that one aren’t celebrities! I guess that I hang out with the wrong crowd too much, but these purchases are quite typical of holiday purchases by middle class and upper middle class folks with less net worth than you!

    Think $500 mini menorahs at Bloomingdales. $1200 heels at Saks. You can tell by the stash of expensive department store bags that person has in the hallway closet!
    Smart Money MD recently posted…On being ill as a doctorMy Profile

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  15. Heard about the Nordstrom rock a few weeks ago and thought that was the most ridiculous thing ever. Who the hell spend over $50 for a rock? *Facepalm*

    I don’t understand ugly sweaters either. They are supposed to be sweaters that people give you that are ugly and/or you don’t like. Now people actually go out and buy ugly sweaters? WTF? I was at the Christmas market a few weeks ago and saw a shop selling xmas ugly sweaters for like $50 and the slogan was “so ugly they are affordable.” Oh my, what’s wrong with people nowadays?

    Reply

  16. Thanks for this is super helpful gift guide! Now I know what to buy for all those hard to shop for people in my life. 😉 Hahaha. But, seriously, if we all want our share prices keep going up, we should applaud even these wacky attempts to get people to shell out their hard-earned cash.

    Reply

  17. Hahaa thats quite a list. I had heard that ppl spend a good chunk of money on ugly sweaters, but the cheese straws and p**** pants are just ridiculous. Nordstrom marketing dept is a genius — if they pulled off selling a rock for $85! Lol….people will buy anything. How do I get in on this scam?

    R2R

    Reply

  19. “And if $65 is too much for you, put on a jacket and step outside. There are free versions on the ground.”

    Oh, Mr. 1500 you are so elitist! There are some of us that pay good money to live in steel cities with no rocks in sight. I can’t even think of the last time I had the misfortune of seeing nature. For that very reason, I’m sure many of my fellow city dwellers would be happy to pay $65 for such a smoothly polished specimen as the one Nordstrom has suggested.

    As we like to say:

    “NYC is the kind of place where you can make enough money to solve problems people in other places don’t have.”
    Biglaw Investor recently posted…In 100 Years All New PeopleMy Profile

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  21. Awesome man! Once again, we see that consumer will buy anything. The price is ridiculous. I guess the higher the price, the more prestigious the POS is. Ridiculous..

    Reply

  22. It’s hard to believe that people would buy that crap.

    It was definitely good for a laugh though! Thanks Mr. 1500!

    Whenever I’m feeling down about my finances, I’ll just think of this list from now on. No matter how bad things get, I won’t have purchased any of this dumb stuff.

    Reply

  26. Wow, anyone who would buy these gifts needs to get more creative with their life. Even if these prices are a drop in the bucket for someone, why would someone want any of these? I mean there are so many cool experiences you can have for these costs. Instead of the sweater, I’d rather sky dive a few times, or get a couple of flying lessons. Instead of a rock for $65, I’d rather take one of my favorite influencers out to a fancy breakfast or lunch and pick their brains for an hour. For $80 a month for processed crap, I’d rather support my local farmers market and co-op. Geez.
    Primal Prosperity recently posted…Shut Up And CalculateMy Profile

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  28. I wanted to thank you. You have saved me a bunch of money and a trip to the mall! I am going for a nice relaxing walk in the woods where I will pick up large rocks and wrap them up as Christmas gifts!

    My daughter found three large rocks the other day and placed them in her tortoise house.

    Reply

  30. That rock idea could be a genius move by the website, I’ve seen it shown on several comedy websites during December which no doubt caused tons of people to click the link and visit the companies website.

    Hiring a PR crew to increase traffic – £100,000
    putting a rock in a bag and achieving the same thing – £1

    Reply

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