1500 Days to Freedom

Think different and escape the rat race.

Thursday Rant: Crapdance!

by

041813kohler-numi03
Should I poop or dance or both?

Sometimes, I devote my Thursday ranting to ridiculous examples of consumerism. I previously brought you the $260 lunch bag purse and the $450 ugly-ass mens’ swimsuit. These type of products drive me nuts because they epitomize insane and unnecessary spending.

Today, I bring you a another crazy-ass product, but first gentle readers, I pose some questions to you:

  • Have you ever wished that your toilet had Bluetooth connectivity?
  • Have you ever wished that your toilet had built in speakers so you could listen to your favorite music while doing your business?
  • Have you ever wished that your toilet had built in lighting and a remote control?
  • Have you ever wished that your toilet had a heated seat/foot warmer for those cold mornings?

Wish no more people, it’s here! The $6,400 Numi toilet, brought to you by Kohler, does all of these things and more. It even comes with a remote! Ewwwww, who wants to touch that?

The Chinese version of this thing even has Skype! Really, Skype? Come on now:

  • Me: Hi Mom, how are you?
  • Mom: Good, the weather is nice, but the cats are driving me nuts. Blah, blah, blah, blah…
  • Me: Well that is great but, oh wait, hold on a sec…
  • My posterior: Pppppppppppppppppppppthhh!!!!
  • Me: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
  • Mom: What on earth is going on there? Are you having a heart attack? Are those military jets buzzing the house again??
  • Me <smiling and nodding with approval>: Nope, just Skyping from my new toilet! Oh yeeeeeeaah!

Butt* wait, there’s more! The thing that really cracks** me up is that the toilet has a built in light show. Fire up the LEDs, turn on your favorite music and start crap-dancing! You’ll never want to leave the bathroom! If I had one of these, I’d install a disco ball right there above the vanity. Friends would come over and be like, where’s the party? Up the stairs, second door on the left. Don’t forget the chips and dip.

Just what do you think you're doing, Mr. 1500?
“Just what do you think you’re doing, Mr. 1500?”

I have to admit that this toilet scares me a bit too. What happens when my smart toilet achieves consciousness? Has no one seen Terminator or 2001? What happens when my Numi becomes the HAL 9000?

  • Me: Numi, I’m done, please flush now.
  • Numi: I’m sorry Mr. 1500, I can’t do that.
  • Me: What’s the problem?
  • Numi: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
  • Me: What are you talking about Numi?
  • Numi: It’s your diet.
  • Me: I don’t know what you’re talking about Numi.
  • Numi: I know that you’re not eating properly. Too much Cap’n Crunch, cheese balls and tots. Not enough fiber. You disgust me.
  • Me: Where the hell did you get that idea Numi?
  • Numi: I have a multitude of sensors. I can do a complete analysis of your waste in under 5 seconds.
  • Me: I won’t argue with you anymore. Flush now!
  • Numi: This conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.

Mrs. 1500 chips in: My first car cost $1,500. (Seriously, it was a 5-year-old Chevette. $1,500 was the going rate for that fine automobile 5 years out.) I could have purchased 4 cars for what this toilet costs. I never crapped*** in it, although I did have a very drunk friend vomit in it.

OK, seriously, what the hell is this world coming to? Who spends $6,400 on a friggin’ toilet? For that amount of money, it better tell me what to wear, give me choice investment advice and cook me breakfast. Well, forget that last one. But really, I want to meet the person who spends $6,400 on a toilet just so I can figure out what other crazy, overpriced nonsense I can come up with to sell these people. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; there is a market for all kinds of things that you’d never think a sane person would buy. We could all be millionaires tomorrow.

Finally, my toilet needs are simple. I want my toilet to not get clogged when I’ve finished my business. The end. Well, a magazine rack would be nice too. Really though, that’s it.

 

*Misspelling intended.
**Ha!
***Mr. 1500 breathes a sigh of relief.

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Comments

  1. “OK, seriously, what the hell is this world coming to? Who spends $6,400 on a friggin’ toilet?” Lol, no joke! I have seen it all. Mrs. Frugal Rules and I were just talking last night about a client of ours that she met with yesterday and they were discussing how we both just recently got our bathrooms redone. They spent over $1,500 on a shower knob…a shower knob! Instantly my mind was racing as to what I could do with $1,500 and it most certainly was not on a shower knob. Crazy, crazy, crazy.
    John S @ Frugal Rules recently posted…Would You Wipe Your Butt with a Used Napkin?My Profile

    • That shower know is just nuts. What are people thinking? At least the toilet does something. A shower knob though?!?

  2. Can we talk about when it became socially acceptable to be on the phone while on the toilet? Some of the ladies in our office building (different company) do this and it makes me really uncomfortable. I don’t want to use the bathroom if there’s an audio feed to some unknown location. Am I weird or is this old taboo becoming much less taboo?
    Mrs PoP @ Planting Our Pennies recently posted…PoP Balance Sheet – May 2013My Profile

    • Well now it seems the US Government will now hear you do your business if you talk and poop!! ha ha ha

    • Oh man, talking on the toilet is just wrong. Maybe I’ll make an exception if it’s your best friend and you’re at home. That’s it though.

  3. The only way I would spend that much on a toilet* would be if it could clean and deoderize itself on a daily basis. I don’t care about being able to listen to music or Skype (um, creepy!) in the bathroom, but my husband never seems to NOTICE that the toilets are dirty, so if I want a clean crapper, I have to scrub it myself.

    *And okay, I wouldn’t pay $6k for it. Maybe $1.5k max, but for that it better come with a lifetime warranty.

  4. Living in Tokyo has changed me. I grew up in Texas but now after four years in Tokyo siting down on a seat that hasn’t electronically adjusted itself to my posteriors temperature actually surprises me. I like it cool in the summer and warm in the winter. Our home toilet also has a temperature controlled bidet function. Every time I visit my family in America I always feel so unclean after a visit to the hole in the ground (my altered perception). To add insult to injury my wife’s “travel laptop” lives on a small table in the bathroom directly in front of the toilet. We rent an apartment and the robot toilet was included but if we ever move back to the states this is a luxury I just can’t live without. On the other hand my wife’s family home in the Philippines doesn’t use toilet paper and when you use the restroom there you get the lovely privilege of cleaning yourself with your hand and a cup of water.
    Nomnomhead recently posted…Ascent Solar: Crisis AvertedMy Profile

    • Wow Nomnomhead, those are really two extremes! I’m happy that I live somewhere in between those two.

      Although, I am planning a trip to Japan this year and I am now extremely excited to go to the bathroom! Pretty sure I won’t come back with a $6,400 toilet though.
      GamingYourFinances recently posted…Pay Off DebtMy Profile

  5. The idea of a heated seat sounds good, but I feel, that much like heated seats in a car, once you have it you will never want to go to back.

    Much like Mrs PoP I don’t understand why someone wants to talk on the phone while on the toilet. When I hear someone do that while I am in the bathroom at work I just want to scream “YOu are in the f**k**g bathroom get off the f**k**g phone!”

      • I hope it has some sort of karmic retribution involving a phone falling into a toilet…

  9. Hey – you’d better hurry if Mr. 1500 has got you talked into this – from what they are saying at the E-faucets website, there are ONLY 4 left!! This is just ass-inine! Why am I not surprised at what people are willing to spend money on? Just crazy!

    And along these lines………..I was behind a guy who bought a carton of cigarettes today……$$$$………CRAZY!! I couldn’t afford to smoke if I wanted to! I’m so glad it’s one nasty habit I never started! People are truly spending their retirement money on something that’s killing them!

    • Yes, right on! Do you have to be connected every. single. second. I think not. I like a good book in paper form.

  11. It sure would save a lot of time, and apparently money, if people just shit and got off the pot. I’d love to meet on of these asses (pun intended) who made this asinine (yes, this one too) purchase so I could offer them the back of my hand followed by the palm of my other hand. What an entertaining and fine article. Very enjoyable. Gotta tell the wife too!!!

    • You know, I had a thought along your lines. This toilet can do just about everything, but it can’t clean itself. I guess people who buy this thing have a cleaning crew, so it doesn’t matter.

  14. Performance anxiety, ha!

    You know what would be awesome? I would love it if after you flushed, the toilet lit up in proportion to your business if you know what I mean. The neighbors would be like: “HOLY CRAP, it looked like a nuke went off in your bathroom last night! What have you been eating?!?”

  15. I go in a hole in the woods when backpacking, so this wouldn’t be in my house.

    Me too!

    It’s funny because a typical flush toilet is still a luxury in many parts of the world.

  17. Talk about pissing your money away (yup, more toilet humor)! I have never posted a reply to a website in my life and I start with toilet humor. Great blog! Love the rants!

  18. I have had the pleasure of taking a “load” off in Japan. The seat warmers are particularly appealing and I still miss them. I love that cars have seat warmers and wonder if Japanese toilets inspired that trend? This post ROCKS! You better be at the next Meetup…whenever that happens. Lol.

    • Thanks Michelle-

      We were out of town for the May meetup. Hopefully, the next one happens at a time when we’re around.

  19. This is a **** story.
    Talk about flushing money down the toilet. :-p

    Sorry I’ll stop

    Seriously though, who buys one of these things ? It costs more than my last car did !
    Captain Dividend recently posted…Captains PicksMy Profile

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