Sometimes, I devote my Thursday ranting to ridiculous examples of consumerism. I previously brought you the $260 lunch bag purse and the $450 ugly-ass mens’ swimsuit. These type of products drive me nuts because they epitomize insane and unnecessary spending.
Today, I bring you a another crazy-ass product, but first gentle readers, I pose some questions to you:
- Have you ever wished that your toilet had Bluetooth connectivity?
- Have you ever wished that your toilet had built in speakers so you could listen to your favorite music while doing your business?
- Have you ever wished that your toilet had built in lighting and a remote control?
- Have you ever wished that your toilet had a heated seat/foot warmer for those cold mornings?
Wish no more people, it’s here! The $6,400 Numi toilet, brought to you by Kohler, does all of these things and more. It even comes with a remote! Ewwwww, who wants to touch that?
The Chinese version of this thing even has Skype! Really, Skype? Come on now:
- Me: Hi Mom, how are you?
- Mom: Good, the weather is nice, but the cats are driving me nuts. Blah, blah, blah, blah…
- Me: Well that is great but, oh wait, hold on a sec…
- My posterior: Pppppppppppppppppppppthhh!!!!
- Me: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
- Mom: What on earth is going on there? Are you having a heart attack? Are those military jets buzzing the house again??
- Me <smiling and nodding with approval>: Nope, just Skyping from my new toilet! Oh yeeeeeeaah!
Butt* wait, there’s more! The thing that really cracks** me up is that the toilet has a built in light show. Fire up the LEDs, turn on your favorite music and start crap-dancing! You’ll never want to leave the bathroom! If I had one of these, I’d install a disco ball right there above the vanity. Friends would come over and be like, where’s the party? Up the stairs, second door on the left. Don’t forget the chips and dip.
I have to admit that this toilet scares me a bit too. What happens when my smart toilet achieves consciousness? Has no one seen Terminator or 2001? What happens when my Numi becomes the HAL 9000?
- Me: Numi, I’m done, please flush now.
- Numi: I’m sorry Mr. 1500, I can’t do that.
- Me: What’s the problem?
- Numi: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
- Me: What are you talking about Numi?
- Numi: It’s your diet.
- Me: I don’t know what you’re talking about Numi.
- Numi: I know that you’re not eating properly. Too much Cap’n Crunch, cheese balls and tots. Not enough fiber. You disgust me.
- Me: Where the hell did you get that idea Numi?
- Numi: I have a multitude of sensors. I can do a complete analysis of your waste in under 5 seconds.
- Me: I won’t argue with you anymore. Flush now!
- Numi: This conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.
Mrs. 1500 chips in: My first car cost $1,500. (Seriously, it was a 5-year-old Chevette. $1,500 was the going rate for that fine automobile 5 years out.) I could have purchased 4 cars for what this toilet costs. I never crapped*** in it, although I did have a very drunk friend vomit in it.
OK, seriously, what the hell is this world coming to? Who spends $6,400 on a friggin’ toilet? For that amount of money, it better tell me what to wear, give me choice investment advice and cook me breakfast. Well, forget that last one. But really, I want to meet the person who spends $6,400 on a toilet just so I can figure out what other crazy, overpriced nonsense I can come up with to sell these people. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; there is a market for all kinds of things that you’d never think a sane person would buy. We could all be millionaires tomorrow.
Finally, my toilet needs are simple. I want my toilet to not get clogged when I’ve finished my business. The end. Well, a magazine rack would be nice too. Really though, that’s it.
***Mr. 1500 breathes a sigh of relief.
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