This lady across the street from us has a talking parrot. It’s summer and we both have our windows open, so I can hear their “conversations” clearly. I must say that they greatly amuse me. This one happened last week:
Parrot: Hello!
Crazy lady (very agitated): SHUTTUP!
Parrot: Hi!
Crazy lady (even more agitated): SHUTTUP!!!
Parrot: Hello!!
Crazy lady (violently angry now): !!!SHUTTUP!!!!!!!!!
This won’t end well.
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When I was young and immature*, I’d grocery cart bomb. What is that you say? If someone was being inconsiderate or rude, I’d put an item in their cart when they weren’t paying attention. Hey grouchy old lady who nailed me in the shin with your shopping cart and couldn’t say sorry, I hope you enjoy the Strawberry Flavored Personal Lubricant.
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Also in my younger days, almost everyone in our neighborhood had the same cable service. We also all had the same lousy cookie-cutter home layout, so the family room was in the same place and easily seen from the outside. A friend and I discovered one day that the remote that was distributed with the cable box would operate anyone else’s cable box. We’d sneak around the neighborhood at night and change the channel on random TVs. The dirty movies were always a certain number and that is what we’d go to. More than a couple cable boxes got smacked Fonzi-style as a result of our shenanigans.
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Imagine that you’re a 200-year-old fish. When you hatched, there were dudes with eye patches floating around on wooden ships. Now, there are nuclear submarines prowling the seas. How does it end for you? Some tourist catches your ass and mounts you on a wall. All I’m saying is if I were that dude, I would have let that thing go: “Go free. I hope you live another 100 years, Mr. Fish.”
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OK, another perspective about that fish. Look at that thing! That is one of the nastiest-ass looking fish I have ever seen. If I pulled that thing up on my fishing pole, I’d probably shriek like a school girl. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! Why on earth would you want that monstrosity hanging on your wall? It would give me nightmares. No thanks.
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The worst place to drive is in a parking lot. There are small children running around, wayward carts and people not paying attention when they back out. I always try to pull through in a space so I don’t have to back up. I have no idea why more people don’t do this.
(Mrs. 1500 note: He always chastises me for not pulling forward, and rants and raves about people who he believes did not pull forward into the farthest spot. Whenever I know I have to put a large item into the back of the car, I park so my rear-end is facing out. That way, I know somebody isn’t going to pull up thisclose to my back end, and forcing me to pull into another spot to load my stuff. Mr. 1500 doesn’t seem to understand this concept.)
(Mr. 1500 note: Mrs. 1500 is normally a pretty logical person. Not when it comes to parking lots though. She’ll drive around for what seems to me like an eternity trying to get a close up spot. “ROCK STAR PARKING!!!” she shouts when she manages to get a close one. Here is how it usually plays out though: Mrs. 1500 spots some guy walking towards a car. “Oooh oooh, look at that! Let’s see where this guy parked and we’ll get his spot!” That guy will then take about 30 minutes to unload his cart. He’ll then get into his car where he fumbles around for another 30 minutes before finally pulling out. It’s at this time that some sneaky person comes in and steals the spot. Now, Mrs. 15oo is infuriated because of the spot stealer. I’m infuriated because we just wasted an hour waiting for a spot 37 steps closer to the front of the store.)
(Mrs. 1500 rebuttal to Mr. 1500’s rebuttal: This is not entirely true, and he always drives straight to the back of the lot, passing up numerous parking spots to find the one that is the absolute farthest from the door. Add a 3-year-old who inevitably says “My legs hurt. Carry me.” All these factors make parking closer to the door a better option for me. Also, look at the image to the right. Just yesterday, I had to go to Lowe’s to buy a light for the bathroom. Having just proofed this article, I pulled through the parking spot. And look at that truck behind me. Clearly over the line, which I am very far away from in the first place. I was so tempted to go back into Lowe’s and buy a hammer to show them what I thought of them encroaching into my territory!)
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Colorado is currently gripped by the tale of the potty peeper:
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Missing any underwear? Do you live in Colorado? You can thank me later.
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Mrs. 1500 on this one. I totally get that this is a first-world problem, and so so soooo petty, but why can’t people working in the food counter of Costco put the hot dog in the center of the bun, rather than having one piece of hot dog hang out of one end while the other end of the dog lines up with the end of the bun?
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Why does everything have to be labeled “hand crafted” lately? Hand crafted beer. Hand crafted burgers. Hand crafted tamales. Of course your crap is hand crafted. I didn’t think your burger stand was employing a $2,000,000 industrial robot to flip the hamburger patties.
You know what? Screw “hand crafted!” There is a reason robots make our cars and computers; they do a perfect job every time. When your burger stand has a robot in back, I am soooo there.
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I want to end this on a positive note. I was at a car show this past weekend when we noticed this praying mantis on the front of an old car. How cool is this guy? Remember to pay attention to the world, you’ll never know what you’ll stumble across. Ferris Bueller was much more eloquent:
“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
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*Ummmmmmm, maybe this still happens now. I’m old, but still very immature. (Mrs. 1500 note: I did this as well, but we called it grocery swapping. I found some pretty interesting items in the store, pickled watermelon rind, clam juice (???). One guy we did it to, happened to notice right before he got to the checkout, and we watched him, very angrily, put them back on some random shelf. We were laughing so hard we almost got caught.)
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Mrs PoP @ Planting Our Pennies says
August 29, 2013 at 2:02 pmHaha, I think when a restaurant draws attention to their handcrafted options, it just makes it all the more clear that the rest of their grub came out of giant tubs purchased from Sysco. Yum… Food from 5 gallon buckets!
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1500 says
August 30, 2013 at 3:08 am“Food from 5 gallon buckets.”
Arrrgh. Nasty. Disgusting. But probably true. Hand crafted indeed.
Andy @ theFIREstarter.co.uk says
September 23, 2013 at 6:46 pmThe one doing the rounds over here in blighty at the moment is “Gourmet”. I just walked past a small food outlet at Clapham Junction train station called “Gourmet Hot dogs”… I s**t you not! This infuriates me no end and is also well deserved of a good rant!
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1500 says
September 24, 2013 at 2:52 amGourmet hot dogs! I’ve seen the same crap in my old hometown of Chicago! There is a place that puts fois gras on them. What nonsense!!
Alex says
August 29, 2013 at 2:10 pmGreat post! I also have a parking pet-peeve. While I’m all for pulling through a parking space to have your front outward, why do some people insist on BACKING into spaces to achieve the same result? It has to be the cause of many small unreported accidents AND I’M RIGHT BEHIND YOU WAITING!
Sorry about that… it’s annoying. Also here in California they claim the Avocados are ‘hand grown’ which I hardly think is possible.
1500 says
August 30, 2013 at 3:11 amO. M. G. I laughed so hard at the ‘hand grown avocados’ thing that I actually had a big asthma attack! No joke. Although it doesn’t seem like it, this is probably the ultimate compliment, especially since it didn’t kill me.
Google confirms that what you tell me is true: http://www.californiaavocado.com/hand-grown-in-california/ This is the dumbest advertising campaign in history.
Chris says
August 29, 2013 at 2:40 pmTwo things:
1. I also get psyched and call it “Rockstar Parking!” when I get a close space.
2. Mr. 1500 is totally right about pulling through… when you’re not expecting to need to haul large items into the back of your car. Mrs. 1500 is correct at grocery stores and Home Depot/Lowes. Unless you’re buying paint or light bulbs or something that you can just toss in the back seat.
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Mrs. 1500 says
August 29, 2013 at 4:45 pmThank you Chris.
Wayne says
August 29, 2013 at 2:42 pmClever post. Loved the stories and especially the banter!
1500 says
August 30, 2013 at 3:13 amThanks Wayne. Can’t wait to meet you in real life soon. You’ll be the #2 reader we have met for real.
#2. Hee heee! (Beevis and Butthead extremely juvenile humor)
Michelle says
August 29, 2013 at 3:38 pmHaha I love this post. W never pulls through into parking spaces, and I always yell at him to do so.
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1500 says
August 30, 2013 at 3:16 amGood for you! Don’t give up the good fight!
Never, never, never give up. -Winston Churchill
Tony@WeOnlyDoThisOnce says
August 29, 2013 at 3:49 pmWay to throw out the rants all in one day and one post. Did it feel better?? I have seen way worse parkers than that!
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Allie says
August 29, 2013 at 4:12 pmHaha, I love the grocery cart swapping! And while I like to get close parking if possible, I’m never willing to wait for it. On crowded days at the grocery store, I’ll park in the furthest away spot just so I don’t have to wait behind the line of cars already waiting for spots.
Mrs. 1500 says
August 29, 2013 at 4:49 pmAllie, I sometimes did this before children. Now, I have a 3-year-old…
Erin @ My Alternate Life says
August 29, 2013 at 5:42 pmHaha, I love the Thursday rants! Especially that lady and her parrot — freaking hilarious!
I did the same thing with shopping carts. Well kinda. I was hardly ever successful because I was so afraid of getting caught. I was a terrible prankster. My stepsister and I tried ding-dong ditching once. On a Sunday morning. Every single person was at church. Fail.
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1500 says
August 30, 2013 at 3:17 amDing dong ditching! That was a staple of our pranking! You’re bringing back the memories now. Sigh…
E.M. says
August 29, 2013 at 5:46 pmI side with Mr. 1500 – I’d much rather pull through a parking spot because I get really paranoid about backing out and someone ramming into me. I hate parking lots. I also park wherever there seems to be a decent spot. I don’t usually do the driving, and my boyfriend is a big fan of parking wherever – he will not circle around and chase people for their spots, so I’ve conformed to that. When I went to college, we had such a small parking lot that people would stalk you endlessly for your spot, and it really bothered me, so I try not to do that to others. I can completely understand where Mrs. 1500 is coming from, though, and the situation does tend to change when you have little ones. I’ve never had such an issue with people invading the trunk area when I park like that!
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1500 says
August 30, 2013 at 3:18 amExactly! You get exactly what I’m talking about! Parking lots suck! Most people drive horribly and these poor skills are only magnified in the parking lot.
BidAskDividends says
August 29, 2013 at 2:12 pmThis just made my morning. Well done. I remember the cable box remote thing…I think most every kid grew up doing that, although there was no social media to tell everyone about it..we all figured it out on our own (kinda the same way as how every single kid in America blew into their Nintendo controllers). Sorry Mrs. 1500 but drive into the parking lot, take the first spot you can see, and call it a day….
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1500 says
August 30, 2013 at 3:11 amI started thinking about the remote thing and I think that it was in the movie ET. Not sure, guess I have to watch it again…
cj says
August 29, 2013 at 3:02 pmHAHAHAHA!!! Well done 1500! When Tammy isn’t looking, this is the shit I do: “I hope you enjoy the Strawberry Flavored Personal Lubricant” I am a manners vigilante to be sure. I cannot stand to see someone get away with treating another like an asshole. Oh, and it’s tough getting to be the Lucky Parking Person. So rare is this occasion, so rare, 1500s. Best luck on luckier parking to you both;)
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1500 says
August 30, 2013 at 3:14 amYou know, once you’ve decided to cart bomb, you look at the grocery store in an entirely different light. Most of the time, we go there for the 14 things we need. When we decide to cart bomb, we notice the 193,383 other items that they sell there. A whole new world!
Alicia @ Financial Diffraction says
August 29, 2013 at 3:29 pmLove the rebuttals over the parking lot issues! I am on Mrs. 1500’s side, but with a caveat: make sure there isn’t someone one lane over about to turn into that spot you’re about to pull through into. No one gets an angry fist wave faster than when they do that to me!
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1500 says
August 30, 2013 at 3:15 amParking issued indeed! I love my wife, but our parking differences are irreconcilable.
1500 says
August 30, 2013 at 3:19 amI am going to take this comment, put it in a frame and hang it in the rear-view mirror. Every time we circle the lot like vultures, I’m going to point to the picture and scream, “Listen to Nick! Listen to Nick!!”
1500 says
August 30, 2013 at 3:21 amThanks Anna!
I just can’t stand the close parking hunting. As you inferred, it is completely ridiculous at the gym. Let me park 20 feet closer so I can go run on my treadmill. Grrrrr….
Michelle says
August 30, 2013 at 4:01 amThe weird thing about the potty peeper was the fact that he kept giving INTERVIEWS!! Discussing his love of women. Ahem. You are being peed and pooed on. That’s not o.k.
Tammy R says
August 30, 2013 at 2:45 amYou two going back and forth cracks me up best of all!!! I am totally going to see what we can get into people’s carts on our next trip to the grocery store – nasty people only.
When I get a close parking spot, I yell, “FRP!” I then follow up with “Front Row Parking!” even though it’s only ever CJ in the car with me, and he’s heard it for 16 years, I still feel the need to clarify.
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Amanda says
August 30, 2013 at 11:23 amThe parking lot thing cracked me up. When we first started dating, my husband always wanted to find a close parking space and I’d tell him why bother, because we’re going to walk around the store anyway. It’s not worth waiting for a close space! And his response was if he’s driving, he gets to pick the parking space, haha. After he bought a new car though, he started parking out in the way back like I do to avoid people hitting/scraping it – but I count it as successful brainwashing anyway. 🙂
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No Waste says
August 30, 2013 at 5:40 pmI feel like hand-crafted is getting thrown around a BIT too much these days.
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1500 says
August 30, 2013 at 5:58 pmMaybe I’ll advertise this blog as being hand crafted?
Rory says
August 31, 2013 at 4:17 amI hope you feel better after the rant.
In that spirit, let me run off a quick rant myself: I started a new job at a mid-sized bank this week. While there, I attended my first weekly meeting. A mid-level manager was making a PowerPoint Presentation on asset quality … and proceeded to read each… and… every… word… on the PowerPoint to us, like we were children. To his credit, he did occasionally deviate from the scrip to add-lib a sentence. That must have been the ‘Toastmasters’ experience he notes on his LinkedIn profile.
But seriously, why read the PowerPoint . We can read. We have the presentation. If you don’t have anything to add, just email me the PowerPoint and we can both get on with our day!
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Evan says
September 3, 2013 at 7:47 pmFriends and I used to conference call two people that knew each other and listen in as they fought who called who
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1500 says
September 4, 2013 at 1:05 amHa, we would do the same thing!
Me to victim #1: This is the GTE operator, you have a long distance call. Please hold while I connect you.
Then you connect a second person and let the hilarity ensue. We’d spend hours doing this.