This lady across the street from us has a talking parrot. It’s summer and we both have our windows open, so I can hear their “conversations” clearly. I must say that they greatly amuse me. This one happened last week:
Crazy lady (very agitated): SHUTTUP!
Crazy lady (even more agitated): SHUTTUP!!!
Crazy lady (violently angry now): !!!SHUTTUP!!!!!!!!!
This won’t end well.
When I was young and immature*, I’d grocery cart bomb. What is that you say? If someone was being inconsiderate or rude, I’d put an item in their cart when they weren’t paying attention. Hey grouchy old lady who nailed me in the shin with your shopping cart and couldn’t say sorry, I hope you enjoy the Strawberry Flavored Personal Lubricant.
Also in my younger days, almost everyone in our neighborhood had the same cable service. We also all had the same lousy cookie-cutter home layout, so the family room was in the same place and easily seen from the outside. A friend and I discovered one day that the remote that was distributed with the cable box would operate anyone else’s cable box. We’d sneak around the neighborhood at night and change the channel on random TVs. The dirty movies were always a certain number and that is what we’d go to. More than a couple cable boxes got smacked Fonzi-style as a result of our shenanigans.
Imagine that you’re a 200-year-old fish. When you hatched, there were dudes with eye patches floating around on wooden ships. Now, there are nuclear submarines prowling the seas. How does it end for you? Some tourist catches your ass and mounts you on a wall. All I’m saying is if I were that dude, I would have let that thing go: “Go free. I hope you live another 100 years, Mr. Fish.”
OK, another perspective about that fish. Look at that thing! That is one of the nastiest-ass looking fish I have ever seen. If I pulled that thing up on my fishing pole, I’d probably shriek like a school girl. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! Why on earth would you want that monstrosity hanging on your wall? It would give me nightmares. No thanks.
The worst place to drive is in a parking lot. There are small children running around, wayward carts and people not paying attention when they back out. I always try to pull through in a space so I don’t have to back up. I have no idea why more people don’t do this.
(Mrs. 1500 note: He always chastises me for not pulling forward, and rants and raves about people who he believes did not pull forward into the farthest spot. Whenever I know I have to put a large item into the back of the car, I park so my rear-end is facing out. That way, I know somebody isn’t going to pull up thisclose to my back end, and forcing me to pull into another spot to load my stuff. Mr. 1500 doesn’t seem to understand this concept.)
(Mr. 1500 note: Mrs. 1500 is normally a pretty logical person. Not when it comes to parking lots though. She’ll drive around for what seems to me like an eternity trying to get a close up spot. “ROCK STAR PARKING!!!” she shouts when she manages to get a close one. Here is how it usually plays out though: Mrs. 1500 spots some guy walking towards a car. “Oooh oooh, look at that! Let’s see where this guy parked and we’ll get his spot!” That guy will then take about 30 minutes to unload his cart. He’ll then get into his car where he fumbles around for another 30 minutes before finally pulling out. It’s at this time that some sneaky person comes in and steals the spot. Now, Mrs. 15oo is infuriated because of the spot stealer. I’m infuriated because we just wasted an hour waiting for a spot 37 steps closer to the front of the store.)
(Mrs. 1500 rebuttal to Mr. 1500’s rebuttal: This is not entirely true, and he always drives straight to the back of the lot, passing up numerous parking spots to find the one that is the absolute farthest from the door. Add a 3-year-old who inevitably says “My legs hurt. Carry me.” All these factors make parking closer to the door a better option for me. Also, look at the image to the right. Just yesterday, I had to go to Lowe’s to buy a light for the bathroom. Having just proofed this article, I pulled through the parking spot. And look at that truck behind me. Clearly over the line, which I am very far away from in the first place. I was so tempted to go back into Lowe’s and buy a hammer to show them what I thought of them encroaching into my territory!)
Colorado is currently gripped by the tale of the potty peeper:
Missing any underwear? Do you live in Colorado? You can thank me later.
Mrs. 1500 on this one. I totally get that this is a first-world problem, and so so soooo petty, but why can’t people working in the food counter of Costco put the hot dog in the center of the bun, rather than having one piece of hot dog hang out of one end while the other end of the dog lines up with the end of the bun?
Why does everything have to be labeled “hand crafted” lately? Hand crafted beer. Hand crafted burgers. Hand crafted tamales. Of course your crap is hand crafted. I didn’t think your burger stand was employing a $2,000,000 industrial robot to flip the hamburger patties.
You know what? Screw “hand crafted!” There is a reason robots make our cars and computers; they do a perfect job every time. When your burger stand has a robot in back, I am soooo there.
I want to end this on a positive note. I was at a car show this past weekend when we noticed this praying mantis on the front of an old car. How cool is this guy? Remember to pay attention to the world, you’ll never know what you’ll stumble across. Ferris Bueller was much more eloquent:
“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
*Ummmmmmm, maybe this still happens now. I’m old, but still very immature. (Mrs. 1500 note: I did this as well, but we called it grocery swapping. I found some pretty interesting items in the store, pickled watermelon rind, clam juice (???). One guy we did it to, happened to notice right before he got to the checkout, and we watched him, very angrily, put them back on some random shelf. We were laughing so hard we almost got caught.)
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