I had something completely different planned for today, but two phone calls this week caused me to shift gears. Both calls were from family members who asked the question I almost* hate to hear more than any other:
What do you want for Christmas?
My answer is always the same: “I’d really like a Ferrari 458 (red please). However, I realize that gift is beyond your means. Since I have everything else I need or want in life, nothing would mean more to me than for you to not buy me anything. Instead, save the money for a trip to come see us.
It’s the truth. My family is spread out all over the friggin’ U. S. of A. and I really want my daughters to grow up knowing all of them. I would like nothing more than for my family to come out and see me. That’s it. Game over. If only it were that simple.
It never, ever, ever works. You see, What do you want for Christmas? is a trick question. I get nauseous just thinking about it. How do I explain it? Oh wait, I think I feel a flowchart coming on:
Every once in a while, I think back to when I was a young lad. The holiday memories I cherish most don’t revolve around the gifts I received**. The best memories are those of the family gatherings. I loved seeing all of the relatives that I hardly ever got to spend time with otherwise. Those family memories are awesome (except for some of the ones that involved my crazy-ass grandmother and even those are mildly amusing in retrospect. ***bonus flowchart below!)
I’ve given up the battle. I’ve been trying the “no gift tactic” for years and it just doesn’t work. Christmas morning has devolved into a silly gift card exchange. The thought that always goes through my head is this: If I just saved the $50 on the Gap gift card I bought you and you saved the $50 on the Amazon gift card you bought me, we’d both be in the same place, but with a lot less hassle.
I can dream, can’t I?
*Number 1 is, “Can I borrow some money?”
**I make an exception for the Transformers. I still remember opening these. My daughter and I play with them now, 30 years later. I love my Transformers.
***My grandmother wasn’t a kind person. I have many, many stories, but the most outrageous ones were when she would destroy the holiday with her mean ways (click to enlarge):
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HA! I love that flow chart! Hilarious!
My aunts buy the worst Christmas presents, so a list is a must for them. They spoil us (never had kids of their own and partially raised us) rotten, so if we dont give them lists, I’m bound to get 100 things that had something to do with that hobby I was interested in 4 years ago.
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We like the idea of lists too, especially for the kids. They DO not need any more friggin’ stuffed animals!
It looks like you enjoyed yourself with those flowcharts! Hilarious stuff…
Your Ferrari = my swimming pool. If money was falling out of the sky, I’d put a swimming pool in my backyard. Since it isn’t, I’m not.
Couldn’t agree with this more, “Since I have everything else I need or want in life, nothing would mean more to me than for you to not buy me anything.”
I sometimes feel like there’s something wrong with me (I know there isn’t), but I do not want one single thing for a gift. Everything I want, I own.
My in-laws were being extremely nice and asked us for a concrete suggestion of something we wanted (gadgets mostly) and it legitimately stressed me out! For a minute we almost came up with something random to ask for just to satisfy the situation, but we finally told them we don’t want anything.
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Ha, you are correct, I love the flowcharts!
Be careful what you wish for. One of our fixer upper homes had a pool (that right there is a bad idea) and it was quite the pain. We have a great community pool walking distance from us and I love it. It is much less expensive and someone else gets to deal with the issues.
The pool reminds me of Clark Griswold. Do you have an Uncle Eddie? 🙂
I’m in the same boat. As I’ve grown older I just honestly don’t care about getting any gifts from people. Whenever I give suggestions I always feel like I’m just telling them what I want, but then they don’t get the exact one that I wanted anyways, so then they essentially gave me a chore. Great gift! That or my gift suggestions are just way too expensive, although not nearly as expensive as that Ferrari! I need/want a table saw and a laptop. I don’t expect to get anything other than gift cards if I recommend those. I much prefer to just enjoy the time with my family. That’s always been my favorite part of the holidays.
Maybe some rich uncle you didn’t know about will get that Ferrari for you.
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Oooh, a tablesaw. That is #2 after the Ferrari.
If I never got a gift ever again, I’d be happy with it. I have too much junk. Less is more. Except for the 458. I’d settle for the 430 or even the 360 though.
I heartily agree with your main point here. I don’t want $20 from you to buy a present that I picked out. Put a little thought into it or just don’t get me anything. What is the point of a gift card swap?!
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It seems that a lot of folks have forgotten about what the holidays are about. Gifts are great for kids. It should stop there.
I agree! Now I just wish I could logically and/or convincingly explain this to anyone other than myself.
Wow, your grandma seems really mean! Mine makes a few negative comments towards my mom, but never THAT bad! Mercifully, she keeps her comments about me to herself (and sometimes my mom) for now. Hearing her insults secondhand stings less for some reason…
I’ve gotten some crappy gifts in the past, but this year everyone knows I have to fly back with a single carry-on suitcase, so I’m getting cash. I told everyone I don’t need anything, but they never listen.
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My grandmother was nuts! She had issues and now my mom has issues as a result!
and now you have…
…a blog where you rant on the internet. 😉
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I’ve definitely been in that second flow chart! As a child, there is nothing that makes you feel more helpless than seeing your parent so upset they’re crying.
Holidays are meant to end quickly getting bundled in the car by Dad while Mom sits in the front seat avoiding her parents (not in-laws), and you speed the hour and a half home… Oh, holidays not supposed to end like that?
Looks like I just have a cheap therapy session in your comments section Mr. 1500…
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Yikes, that is pretty intense. For me, this behavior was always at its worst on the holidays. I wonder why that is?
My family has always been about getting needs for Christmas, while the bf’s has been about all the wants you have been yearning for all year. It’ll be interesting to see how we go about this! The second chart makes me so sad…I guess my holidays were alright know that I think about it. There were few tears.
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Needs is a good idea. Toilet paper and deodorant would actually be useful!
I agree as well. I don’t really find myself needing or wanting much anymore, and I would rather just enjoy the company of family. My parents are visiting this Christmas and I keep saying that’s a present enough, but we all have this thing about feeling bad that no one has any presents to unwrap come Christmas morning. No one is going crazy this year which is good, but it is annoying that “nothing” is an unacceptable answer.
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..we all have this thing about feeling bad that no one has any presents to unwrap come Christmas morning.
This is an interesting thought. So, it’s more about the habit or tradition than the actual gift. I’m wondering if the gift tradition could be replaced by something else? If it were up to me, we’d all wake up and go for a hike. Maybe, wake up early enough to watch the sunrise and then have a nice breakfast or gather for a favorite movie.
Oh, man. Your grandma sounds like my dad at family functions. I guess my future kids have that to look forward to.
I hear you on the impossibility of introducing change or logic to the Christmas tradition. It is a freight train that we cannot steer, nor should we get in front of. The best action, sadly, is to get on board.
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Freight train is right! I’m sorry you may have to deal with similar issues. My suggestion is to nip it in the bud!
I agree about the difficulty of gift-giving during the Christmas season and wonder why adults don’t just abandon gift exchanges altogether, buying gifts only for children still living at home. I also think we encourage gift-mania when we shower our children with many more Christmas presents than they want or need. I have a niece, who, for years, has given her children something they want from Santa, something to read, something to wear, and something to play with others. Period. And her children seem well adjusted and happy.
I like your niece’s idea. I have a small budget, which keeps the number of gifts in check, but I’ve been trying to think of a better way to keep things consistent year after year.
My mom’s extended family does a drawing gift exchange for the ones 18 & under. Adults are to bring a bag of groceries that all get donated to a local food pantry. Everyone (roughly 39 people) gets together, spends the afternoon drinking, eating, enjoying each others company and then we do something good for the local community. Plus the kids don’t feel like they missed out on the Christmas thing as they each got at least 1 present from one of their cousins. We have board games and cards out at tables, and one fun tradition of the whole group singing “The 12 Days of Christmas” together.
Aunt Beulah; everything you say here is brilliant. Yes, children should be the only recipient of gifts and as you said, it should be very modest. Small enough so that its not the focus.
Another tradition I have started is to have our two pick out a gift to donate to the less fortunate. I think they are too young to know the lesson I’m trying to teach, but perhaps it will sink in one day.
Oh my…the second flowchart! I can totally relate to that experience growing up. I’m glad my boys won’t experience the same (in large part because I refuse to let them).
My parents live nearby, so we see them a lot. This year my mom finally used the wishlists I made for my boys, so they will be getting things I really think they would enjoy, and she helped ease up my budget.
My in-laws do “gift us with their presence”, but my husband and I both wish they would help us get to England once in a while instead! We’ve hinted as much, but they have convinced themselves that it’s easier for them to visit here.
Keep hinting; a trip to England would be way awesome!
Never, never, never give up. -Winston Churchill
Your flow charts are the absolute best. I haven’t had the mean ol’ grandma experience, but I have had other neurotic family members who make the holidays a liiiittle more stressful than they really need to be!
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Thanks Kali!
I’ve come to realize that no families are perfect. We all have nuts in our families; they just come in different shapes and sizes.
OMG, I used to love Small Wonder! Though I suppose it was kind of creepy how Vicki just stayed in the closet…. that’s so sad about your grandma hurting your parents’ feelings like that! 🙁 I used to get called fat all the time when I was little by some very judgy aunts and uncles – relatives are ruthless sometimes!
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Ha, I forgot about the closet!
Whoah, your relatives were ruthless. Especially to a kid. Yikes.
Ahh, family. Can’t live with ’em… and well… that’s about it when they act like that, eh?
I have a nominal item on the list for Mr PoP’s parents, but it’s something I would have bought for myself anyway since it’s a replacement swimsuit for the one that is nearly transparent with wear. Other than that, I had the talk today with my mom about what we’re doing with Christmas funds on that side of the family this year. We’re donating them to my high school since their fundraising for new equipment for the physics department! The equipment was insanely old when I was there, and that was a long time ago now… Plus, if we do it right, we can actually turn it into a tax credit for my parents on their state taxes that we’d pay for I think… A nice double gift. =)
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Oh wow, physics! That is pretty awesome! Now I have F=ma and those balls on strings flying through my head!
Once we left home to go to university, my brothers and I pretty easily convinced my mom that we didn’t need to buy gifts any longer – my mom was thrilled that her kids would come home for Christmas, and my brothers and I didn’t have to rush around at the last minute after finals, trying to buy something/anything to stick under the tree.
Now, I have a local group of friends and we get together on Christmas day. We end up always making sure we have gifts for each other – and it’s literally gotten to the point where we give each other gift cards every year, because we are all adults who buy the things we need/want for ourselves, and we all have established homes that are fully stocked and decorated.
This year, I took advantage of a get together in October to say “why don’t we all just skip gifts this year? None of us *needs* anything, and we can just spend time together?”
Everyone agreed – so we shall see if we all follow through 🙂
“Everyone agreed – so we shall see if we all follow through”
Awesome! Can I have you talk to my family? 🙂
One of the things that really drives me nuts too is that many of my family members border on being poor. I wish they wouldn’t drop a dime on me, must less $50. Buy food instead for yourself!
That flowchart would remind me of Christmas on my dad’s side of the family. They would get together, start drinking beer and playing sheepshead. Someone would start to lose badly, try to fudge their play, get accused of cheating, yelling ensues, go home to milk cows. It was an interesting experience. I do get what you’re saying about the gift card exchanges. I would much rather have people come visit than buy me stuff, although I really don’t have much room for guests at the moment.
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Yikes. In our case, there wasn’t even much alcohol involved. I can’t imagine how bad it would have been if my grandma was a drinker.
We have a small place too and its a pain. I’d happily rent a small home off VRBO it that would get my family out to see me.
I have too many relatives to have ever done an extended family gift exchange (have about 70 cousins now that the older ones started getting married and making babies). Then we moved overseas which really put the kabosh on that one. I love gift-giving, but my Dad is always the hardest to shop for. Two years in a row he has even said, “you can’t afford to buy anything on my list.” Oh, Dad. But finally, he has written a Christmas list (albeit boring) with a few affordable items…like special shirts for running and a dog tag for his new puppy.
That second flow chart reminds me of Christmases with my dad’s sister and mother. Always stressful and someone’s in (or close to) tears. A few years ago, I got a nice scarf from my mother, one of those tubular spider webby ones that could also look good with business-casual work clothes. I put it on. When they came over to our house, my aunt saw it and said, “Oh, Jamie, you’ve got one of those hooker scarves. What’s that for, huh?” (she meant a feather boa) and while I was still happy to have it, it was somewhat tainted with such a nasty remark. We still joke about it to this day when I wear it. Grandma (long story short, grandma, from the time my cousins and I were wee ones, brought back gifts from her winter trips to AZ/NM, things like state t-shirts and those striped Mexican blankets – we didn’t need any more, my gosh, but I’m not sure much thought went into the presents anyway) got a really nice, plush, quality blanket from my cousin, and after seeing it, grandma asked her if she could give the gift back to my cousin and get the money instead. From what followed, my cousin ended up crying and grandma was not welcome over for Christmas anymore. Yay happy fun times! Dynamics have changed this year (Grandma passed in September) so we’ll see what happens with crazy aunt.
“Oh, Jamie, you’ve got one of those hooker scarves. What’s that for, huh?”
HOLY CRAP! What class!!!!
“…after seeing it, grandma asked her if she could give the gift back to my cousin and get the money instead.”
Wow, just wow! I draw the line here! No matter how much I dislike a gift, my thought is that someone still went to some effort for me. I accept it graciously no matter what.
Here’s to a better holiday for you!
Luckily, my family all lives in the same city – including the entire extended family. So, our little guy will get to grow up knowing them all and playing with his second cousins (since I grew up up with my cousins, who were my age moreso than my siblings). The unfortunate part of it is that we fall into the crazy high spending category for Christmas since we have so many people to buy for: 2 sets of parents, a grandmother, our son, three nieces, each other, and then the extended family gift exchange – so typically a cousin, an aunt/uncle, and a cousin’s child.
I think the general issue with Christmas as you get older is that you have “gift inflation”. Basically, the things I really want at this point tend to be rather expensive and totally inappropriate for a gift suggestion. I have my basic needs and wants covered. I make money and buy myself what I need. The real gifts I’d want are semi-luxuries that I wouldn’t buy myself because I’m too frugal. A good example is the kayak my wife bought me a couple years back. I really wanted one and love using it (and we live next to the Erie Canal so I can use it all the time!). But I couldn’t bring myself to buy one because it was hundreds of dollars. I can’t ask anyone for something like that!
I think the real issue is that it’s hard to know someone enough to be able to come up with a great gift idea regardless of the cost. Our extened family has recently gone through the idea of not exchanging gifts, but even though we get pretty bland gifts I know getting rid of it would break my grandmother’s heart (and my own). I think a gift exchange forces you to at least ask around and get some idea of what a family member wants and likes to do. It may be something like a gift card, but the idea of at least once a year trying to connect with a family member to know them better is nice. Plus my poor grandma would still buy everyone gifts anyways and would probably double up if we all stopped doing it. As a kid there was always something super-cool about seeing my whole family together opening gifts and a literal mountain of wrapped presents in my Grandma’s house.
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a Ferrari has always been my standard response as well. And, it fact, it has netted me three over the years.
All Matchbox toys, of course. Sigh. 😉
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I asked for charity donations, and realized by the responses that I wasn’t going to get that. Instead of ending up with lots of socks, underwear, and Bath and Body Works stuff I won’t used, I just decided to ask for a few practical things I was going to buy anyways.
I told my wife she only had $50 to spend on Christmas Kitsch for me this year. I have too many other things I want to do…..
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