Hi there, Mrs. 1500 today. I am looking to see if you are with someone who makes a similar income as you, or is there a significant difference. I’ll tell you why in a moment.
But first, let’s see what you look for in a neighborhood. If you will recall, last week we talked about meeting our new neighbors, and one of the reasons they chose the buy on our street was because of the work being done to other houses on our street. Namely ours.
Mrs. PoP from Planting our Pennies looks for “…Older, smaller home with good bones, lots of natural light, views of nature in a nice neighborhood with no HOA that I could jog to the beach without crossing any major streets from.”
Mrs. Frugalwoods says, “We definitely wanted a house we could improve ourselves! Our current place was the lowest price per square foot for sales of habitable homes in all of Cambridge the month we bought it. We absolutely wanted something with the potential to appreciate in value–and boy has it. We also sought out an up-and-coming neighborhood, the gentrification of which has added to our home’s increase in value.”
Reader Beth writes, “A mixed neighbourhood. I like neighbourhoods with larger buildings and houses as well. I’d like to avoid areas overpopulated with students, but close enough to the colleges/universities, a bus route and walking distance of amenities so I can rent the place later on if I choose. I too would like to be in a neighbourhood that’s on the upswing.”
Mrs. SSC is looking for “…a house with good bones, that won’t need walls moved, but we are hoping to be able to do some major renovations – to turn it into our style. So, looking for outdated bathrooms, kitchens – stuff that will help us get it for a good price!
Thanks for sharing. And now let’s talk about incomes. Specifically yours vs. your significant other’s.
I read a letter to Dear Abby yesterday from a woman who is a nurse. She goes to continuing education classes and is regularly adding certifications to her resume. In short, she makes a pretty penny. She told a friend that she wouldn’t date anyone who makes less than she does. That she leads a busy life and if she has time to better herself, anyone she dates should be able to squeeze it in, too. She added that she has been used for her money in the past, and is not interested in doing that again.
Hmmm. Currently, I am a ‘real estate agent’ who has sold exactly zero houses. And before that, I was a stay-at-home mom. Zero houses sold means zero dollars in my pocket. Stay at home mom-ing pays the same. Mr. 1500 brings home the bacon, and he brings a lot of it home. Income disparity is rather large in our house. Even if I was working outside the home, it would still be quite a difference.
I remember going over to his house when we had only been dating a short time. He happened to leave his paycheck stub on the table, and I just happened to glance at it. I was quite impressed that he made $40,000 a year. (Remember, we have been married since George Washington was President…) At that time, our income disparity was about $13,000. So significant at that level, but not astonishing.
So I was telling Mr. 1500 about this letter, because I wasn’t sure how I felt about her position. On the one hand, I get not wanting to hand out your hard-earned money to pay for all the dates. But isn’t that what women ask men to do most of the time? (And I know there are women out there who go dutch, or couples who alternate who pays for dates, but I am talking about the majority of dating, which is traditionally paid for by the man. There are many women who expect it.)
I think hardworking should come into play. So should job satisfaction. Not all professions pay well. I am constantly amazed by what we ask our teachers to do, and how abysmally we compensate them for doing it. I think there are plenty of noble professions that don’t pay all that well.
So, what is the income disparity between you and your significant other? I don’t need specific numbers, but feel free to share as much as you would like.
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We keep trading spots as the top earner. She now out earns me by a solid 5 figures…even more with her bonus.
But that is ok! I am happy to have a wonderful wife who is paid well for her hard work. We are both motivated to make as much as we can to further our goals together. When one of us wins, the team wins – and we like winning.
I’m not a fan of the social construct of the “breadwinner” for many of the reasons stated above. It really is shameful how little teachers are paid considering they are tasked with the daunting task of educating our children and preparing them for the future. I also think many other civil servants are not paid nearly enough for what they do (eg. EMTs).
That particular nurse is foolish to discount anyone who makes less than she does but it goes to show you how much of a comparative society we have become. Dating isn’t a competition and neither is marriage. I would much rather have someone who makes less than I do and saves 80% of it than someone who makes more and spends 120% of it.
Debtless in Texas recently posted…It’s Beer Friday, EXCEL-ent
Like Debtless, my wife also makes more than I do. Well, I should say MADE more than I did before we both earlier retired. Pretty consistently, she made twice what I did.
But the disparity was never a problem for us because we have always kept separate finances, with each paying a half-share of joint expenses. The only exception we made to that guideline was the mortgage. She paid 2/3 and I paid 1/3 and (at least theoretically) I worked off the difference by doing DIY stuff on and for the house.
(Come to think of it, she STILL makes more than I do. Her stock portfolio is bigger and so she has a bigger stream of dividends. Mrs Money Bucks!! :D)
Retired To Win Alex recently posted…How a Discretionary Fund Beats a Discretionary Budget
Hey Alex, maybe you should get some hot stock tips from her?
Debtless in Texas,
I am going to quote you next week. That is just about perfect!
Let’s see […] we’re a single income home. And I go to work.
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I earn around double what my other half does. However we both live on half of what she earns and so the income side of things doesn’t seem so important. Instead I think it’s more the similarities in spending habits that need to be matched.
I’ve recently purchased a house & she’ll be living there with me, deciding on how much she would pay to essentially live there was a tough but honest discussion, and is a serious test for any relationship. I was able to understand that she was earning less than me, I was able to take into consideration factors such as the current board she pays living with her parents while also presenting the fact that if I couldn’t afford to buy my own home and we chose to rent somewhere then rent, bills and food would cost us around £400 each per month.
We were able to compromise and come to a conclusion, agreeing that we will review the situation every 6 months. I’m happy not to be too strict about how much she pays me for a number of reasons; first being that we both like to travel, if I was charging her £400 a month to live with me, I’d be able to travel, but she wouldn’t.
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That seems like a fair compromise. I wish I had your wisdom and level-headedness when I was your age. Sigh.
There is no income disparity in our house, even though my paycheck accounts for 99% of our current income. In our house, what’s mine is hers and hers is mine–we make the same amount of money, and we always will.
In our view, being married means we have everything in common, and that includes income.
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Charles,
Amen! That is marriage!
All that other in my opinion, is a business partnership. While a couple may financially thrive in a business partnership; They are failing to bond in a spiritual sense. Spiritual bonding is what makes your love worth sacrifice of all things, for the good of the marriage. The two, shall become one.
OK Charles, I see what you are saying and I totally get it. We do the same thing here. Mr. 1500 is the sole source of income in our family, but we do share everything (except pants because one of us has legs like a penguin). I don’t feel a need to run every purchase by him, although if it is something large or out of the ordinary, I do out of courtesy. He does the same thing.
I don’t understand how married couples can keep separate bank accounts, although if it works for their relationship then who am I to judge.
You don’t share pants?!? You’re missing out! 😉
CharlesMakesCents recently posted…Two Paths to Financial Independence
Fun story: Mr. 1500 inadvertently got a pair of my jeans in his drawer, and went to put them on. He couldn’t understand how the waist got bigger and the legs got shorter.
Morning, well last year it was a bit over 19k the difference between our gross yearly income. If I make it to the end of the year w/o a cost living adjustment it will be a bit over 14k.
It’s a big difference in my eyes. Specially since we are both mechanical engineerings. But I acknowledge his co-op experience in college was much more valuable so I attribute a lot to that fact. Still my goal is to get closer and closer and close the gap as much as possible.
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I agree that is a big difference if you have similar jobs, similar responsibilities and similar work experience.
Income disparity is 100% in economic quantity – I stay at home and work for 0€ and my husband works for money €€€. (We used to be a two-income household, and the disparity was +/- 30%) But that is not what we value at home. I don’t contribute economically, but I make the other contributions. I make sure everything at home functions, so my husband doesn’t have to worry about being away working. And I am home when he is home, and we spend time together whenever we can, which is very irregularly because he doesn’t have a traditional 9 – 5 job.
And everything that is mine is his, and the other way around.
Thanks, Wendy.
I didn’t mean to suggest that stay at home moms didn’t do any work. Goodness knows my day isn’t filled with sitting around and eating bon-bons. But I don’t get paid any money for doing my job, so our income disparity is quite large. Similar to your 100%.
I think the nurse has been burned in the past, and rather than look at income, she should look at job satisfaction and ambition. She is probably passing up a large number of men who could make her happy, but they don’t make enough money.
Mrs 1500, I didn’t feel like you suggested that stay-at-home partners don’t do any work, on the contrary, although society (and even some friends) often only values the economic contributions… Like that is the only benchmark we have left to measure our equality and success. Like you said, job satisfaction, ambition and above all, life satisfaction are in my opinion more important than who makes the most money. Although I can understand that if you have been used for your income/money in the past, that you might want to go looking for someone who can provide for themselves, and who doesn’t mind paying his/her share or expects you to pick up the tab just because you make/have more money.
Yes, I can sort of see her point about the money. But that goes to quality of person, rather than income level. There are mooches who make a lot of money, although not many. The prefer to make excuses instead of money.
My boyfriend earns $40,000 more than me. Despite that, my career is more important to me than his career is to his. If we chose to have children he would probably scale back his career first.
I think we need to be clear on what the nurse is saying.
A) It is possible that maybe she was used for her money. It is possible she’s had boyfriends that expect her to pay for everything. I would not respect freeloaders if they are men or women.
B) Just because someone makes a lot of money does not correlate to their sincerity. There are a lot of jerks out there who make a lot of money as well. Hopefully she’ll realise that one day and not just date men who make more money than her.
With regards to your own situation, you are making money but it just doesn’t register in traditional budgets. Do you realise the costs stay at home parents save? If you accounted for the money to hire a babysitter (good quality one, cause you’re not just sitting on your laurels while Mr. 1500 is at work), a cook, and a cleaner, a driver, you’re looking to save the family probably over (conservatively) $45,000 a year. So it’s not that you’re not earning money. You are choosing to use your time in productive ways that are not registered by the national Gross Domestic Product (GDP).
There’s an economics joke I heard in class once. A maid once worked for this rich man. He exchanged her services for a paycheck which was registered with the GDP. She paid taxes and thus was a productive member of society. Then when the man married the maid, the services are still being conducted (in that she is still cleaning his house) but it is no longer registered on the GDP, nor on taxes so society just assumes she’s not economically productive.
This is a good point about the nurse. She said she had been used by freeloaders in the past, so I get where she is coming from in that regard. She is mistaken in thinking that a man who makes more money won’t use her for other things.
And an excellent point about non-monetary contributions and what they would cost if we had to pay them.
This reminds me of a scene I love in Ethan of Athos where Ethan (who is from a male-only planet where they have children through advanced medical intervention…their ancestors set the place up that way for religious reasons) has gone out into the big wide galaxy and encountered women for the first time. He’s talking to one of said women, Elli, about the feasibility of raising clones for war:
Elli: “Maybe they meant to raise battalions of mutant super-soldiers in vats like you Athosians and take over the universe or something.”
“Not likely,” remarked Ethan. “Not battalions, anyway.”
“Why not? Why not clone as many as you want, once you’ve made the mold?”
“Oh, certainly, you could produce quantities of infants—although it would take enormous resources to do so. Highly trained techs, as well as equipment and supplies. But don’t you see, that’s just the beginning. It’s nothing, compared to what it takes to raise a child. Why, on Athos it absorbs most of the planet’s economic resources. Food of course—housing—education, clothing, medical care—it takes nearly all our efforts just to maintain population replacement, let alone to increase. No government could possibly afford to raise such a specialized, non-productive army.”
Elli Quinn quirked an eyebrow. “How odd. On other worlds, people seem to come in floods, and they’re not necessarily impoverished, either.”
Ethan, diverted, said, “Really? I don’t see how that can be. Why, the labor costs alone of bringing a child to maturity are astronomical. There must be something wrong with your accounting.”
Her eyes screwed up in an expression of sudden ironic insight. “Ah, but on other worlds the labor costs aren’t added in. They’re counted as free.”
Ethan stared. “What an absurd bit of double thinking! Athosians would never sit still for such a hidden labor tax! Don’t the primary nurturers even get social duty credits?”
“I believe,” her voice was edged with a peculiar dryness, “they call it women’s work.”
I have never seen this movie, but it is going into my Netflix queue. Thanks!
Heh, it’s a book, actually! 🙂
I earn more than my husband. It used to be a more significant sum than it is currently – almost $20K more at one point (60k vs 80K for reference – so a fairly significant sum at that level – not as big a deal if we were both making 100+). But now, we are within 7K of each other – but I carry our benefits and max out our family HSA contributions so my paycheck is actually smaller than his. I work at a large hospital so my benefits were always quite a bit better than his at smallish architecture firms.
That said, several of my women friends out-earn their spouses and it’s a big issue in their relationships. It brings up lots of issues of non income contributions to the house, child-raising, power, etc.
I think you really have to work hard at having similar values and spending and be on the same page with these things in order for the disparity not to be a problem.
I have heard so many people in my day to day life where the woman out-earns the man, and it causes big problems. Mr. 1500 said, “I would LOVE it if you made more than me. I don’t give a sh*t. This is my dream!”
In 2014 our total cash compensation was split really evenly between us, but different years in our relationship have seen bigger differences (to the tune of $15-$80K differences) in our compensation. And that’s going both ways. Some years I earned more, others Mr PoP did. But I don’t think our paychecks are a reflection of what we bring to our partnership.In 2014 our total cash compensation was split really evenly between us, but different years in our relationship have seen bigger differences (to the tune of $15-$80K differences) in our compensation. And that’s going both ways. Some years I earned more, others Mr PoP did. But I don’t think our paychecks are a reflection of what we bring to our partnership. They definitely weren’t on the list when deciding to date or even to get married. They definitely weren’t on the list when deciding to date or even to get married.
Mrs PoP @ Planting Our Pennies recently posted…Our Neighbors Are Freaking Cool
The income disparity between my wife and I is about $1000/year, and it’s crazy that we make such a similar amount. She was the one with the higher salary but went part time to take care of our daughter this year, so no I earn a bit more than she does.
We are very close in income now, but when we first started dating (I was a student and she wasnt) she obviously out-earned me by quite a bit, and once I got my first job she still out earned me by 15k+. It didnt really bother me at all.
Hey Jeff!
I love that it doesn’t mean anything to you. I think it says you are secure in your relationship and your life. To be upset when the woman makes more is ridiculous. Of course that is easy to say when I have never made more than Mr. 1500… Our income disparity was the lowest when we first go together. Mine kind of stayed the same, and his grew.
I out earn my really-have-to-get-off-my-butt-and-propose-to future wife by 150%. I’ve always treated it like “our” money not “mine vs hers”. She fought for years to have everything be split down the middle but is finally coming around. Hopefully more so soon heh. I think the big difference between her and a lot of my friends “greedy/clueless wives/girlfriends” is she was independent and knows what it is like to not just get hand outs. Very much appreciate that quality as i was always worried i’d end up with a leech.
Even my ex-wife who had 1:1 earnings w/me felt that way about money. When she changed her mind it was really easy, 50/50 move on with life. Marriage counselor gave us a pretty good initial path so that money was never the problem. Essentially everything public goes into one common fund (pays house, bills, cars, eating out, big items, vacations, repairs, ect). Each person gets an agreed upon “allowance” of a certain amount per month to cover personal things like “lunch meals at work, video games, purses, jewelry, computer parts, ect”. If i want to save up and buy a big gaming machine she can’t complain. If she wanted to buy a coach bag and expensive clothes, well that’s her decision. Worked out well for a couple who had nothing at the start.
My gf’s friend makes maybe 5% more than her husband. They are so tight on money its not even funny. That girl lords it over the husband like you wouldn’t believe. Literally has a secret slush fund she doesn’t tell the hubby about because she feels that since she makes more she is entitled to the overage! Like… wow. I’m sorta friends with the hubby too since we hang out together and would love to tell him but that’s really a no win situation for anyone. I can guess where this marriage is heading lol.
In short if both parties are reasonable people it shouldn’t be an issue… period.
Fun stats, somewhat unrelated.
http://www.randalolson.com/2014/10/10/what-makes-for-a-stable-marriage/
Zaxon, I always enjoy your replies.
Did you propose yet? If not, get to it!
I can’t believe that story of the friend, lording it over her husband. I really don’t like to be around couples like that. Let me guess, they are always bickering?
Seriously, I wish you all the happiness in the world with your new fiancee, whenever she changes title…
Not yet, very soon 🙂
Let me know when it happens!
If I were to work full-time, we would earn about the same. However, my chosen career pays well as a part-time job and still allows me the flexibility to be able to do all the things that save us the most money–bake/cook from scratch, bargain shop for groceries–in addition to being able to care for an aging parent, which saves them money as well as us (we don’t have to outsource those tasks).
It is so nice to have a job that allows you to work part time. Cook/bake from scratch? Do you share recipes?
I do share recipes! Just let me know if you would like anything specific. I have several friends who are also frugal people and we trade recipes, too.
I will send you an email. I am looking for kid-friendly, and no mushrooms.
If you’re talking about pure “cash”, I am the only one that works outside of the home. However, we don’t see it as “my” money or “her” money…it’s all “our” money, it just happens to come from one source. However, I think you hit the nail on the head in your last paragraph about job satisfaction and hard work… in those respects, as a stay-at-home-mom, she “wins” hands down.
I like to joke with Mr. 1500. “What’s yours is mine, and what’s mine is mine.” But really, we share everything but pants. And toothbrushes. That’s just gross.
I tend to agree with CharlesMakesCents above. We view our income as one big pot.
But nonetheless I know the numbers and will share the details.
Salary wise I make 2X my wife’s Salary.
We tend to bring in about the same in bonus/commission.
And I always have some side business or project that brings in some extra cheddar as well. So depending on the year it my total compensation can be 2-3X what my wife earns.
This hasn’t always been the case. There was a time that we were earning the same amount.
I would be more than happy to have my wife out earn me. That way I would have me a Sugar Mamma 🙂
Regarding dates and who pays for what. I think my generation is bucking this trend a bit, at least in my circle of influence. Gen Y tends to split or at least share the burden of going out. Even when my wife and I were dating and living together before we got married, we split everything evenly.
Gen Y Finance Guy recently posted…February 2015 – Detailed Financial Report #2
Mr. 1500 feels the same way. He wouldn’t have any problem if I started earning more than he did.
When we met I made 50% – 70% more than my wife depending on how you calculate it. Now a number of years later she earns about double my wage. Having said that since we got our first joint account everything goes into one pot, so really it’s all one P&L at the end of the day
To go from 70% less to double what you make is quite nice. Did she earn a degree in that time, or was that just hard work and promotions?
I earn 3-4 X as much as my husband. He calls me is sugar momma. I have a higher paying, more stressful job. At the end of the day, it is still our money.
Unfortunately those high paying jobs tend to be more stressful. Sign me up for a high paying, relaxing job… And then wake me up.
Crap I think my previous post got eaten.
Basically said that I make more than my wife now, but she is finishing a JD/PhD program (last of 7 years!). We also have no debt from this, so it’s a big win. On top of that, my wife loves her job while I’m not sure I could say the same thing.
Chris @ Flipping A Dollar recently posted…Chef’s Knives on eBay
I’m not married but I have a girlfriend. We don’t live together (yet) but if we do there will be an income disparity. I plan on “retiring” by 40 (for now – this number changes daily) and she is not sure if that is a goal for her (maybe 45 for her). At that point roles will reverse and I’ll have a suga momma. There is always going to be disparities in a relationship whether its income, household chores, etc. There just has to be a balancing act!
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my husband earns about 10k more than I do, but it all goes into one pot for the purpose of the same goal, so in the end it is all ours.
Maybe the nurse meant that she wanted someone with the same drive to continually better themselves?
This is a good point, Amy. It didn’t come across in the original letter, though. She made it clear that income was a deal breaker.
Mrs. Even Steven in a landslide! Kidding but she is winning if we just go off of salary, the good news is we are a joint adventure with rental income, investing, etc.
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In the beginning of our relationship, my husband out earned me four or five times over! But since then, I have been steadily gaining on him, while he has switched to a less stressful (and slightly less lucrative) career. When we filed our taxes this year, he’s ahead by only a few thousand dollars. We’ve long joked that once I catch up, he has to start doing a LOT more around the house 🙂
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Mr. Maroon out-earns me now by $1,000, but it hasn’t always been that way. We have the same degree and started working in essentially the same industry within months of each other. The difference is that for five years, he worked at a very small firm with a great work-life balance and virtually none of the bureaucracy that often comes with corporate America. A year ago, we both changed jobs. He went to a large firm while I moved to a smaller one. We flipped in our salaries. Unfortunately, that higher salary (in this case, at least) means more BS to navigate daily. We are learning that a dip in salary would be worth it for a better working environment.
All that being said, I completely agree with Charles above. We’ve never thought of any of it as my money or your money. No claim tags exist in the bank account. We agree 100% how to put the money to use for our life. And that is ALL that matters.
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The way we do it took some evolution after trials and tribulations. At first, we kept things separate and wrote each other checks, which was a royal pain. Now we have a joint checking account, into which both of our incomes flow. We pay all family expenses from that. Next, we each have separate checking accounts, into which an equal amount is auto transferred twice per month for blowing on whatever we please with no accountability to the other. So, it doesn’t matter who makes more because we each get the same amount to spend on stuff for ourselves. I happen to make more than my wife but it was reversed in the first half of our careers. Also, we save and invest 50% so any issue of “who makes more?” is diluted further.
We have never had separate checking accounts, once we got married. We both banked at the same bank, so we just took his account and put my name on it, since he already had auto-pay on some of his bills.
I out-earn my wife by a mile. Neither of us have a problem with it.
I earn upwards of $147K and she hovers around $6K. The most she ever earned in her life in one year is $20K. Needless to say, I pay for almost everything, and that’s ok too. Since we live far below our means, and we are on track to pay off the mortgage soon (having made extra payments for some years), and we have a good investment track, things are OK here. Fellas, let me tell you, there’s nothing more important than a happy wife.
The bf makes about twice what I make, including his bonuses. And yet, he knows that one day I might (if I ever get out of this waitressing gig and start using my degree) out earn him because of my passion and drive to work hard and constantly improve.
I read the same Dear Abby yesterday and was completely surprised by this lady’s ideas. If people viewed others that way, only by their income potential and not by their underlying value as a human being and possible companion, they are truly missing out on what makes the human connection so wonderful. I’m so thankful my bf saw past my penniless, debt ridden and without a job state and continues to support me in whatever direction life takes us.
Amanda S @ Passionately Simple Life recently posted…Life Update…
I make the lions share of income in our household. Occasionally it can cause a bit of strife, but for the most part we just kick in proportionate to our income.
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Thanks for all the nice comments about teachers. yup that’s me…moved into administration a few years ago. Wife stayed home with the kids, so we were used to living on one paycheck. Now she is working full time….but we are still living off just my pay, with all of hers goes into a 457, Roth IRA, and taxable accounts…there is a 40K difference in our pay. Joint bank accounts since day one. Wish I had known about ER a tad earlier.
Hey Debtless in Texas (the second biggest state) loved the quote: “I would much rather have someone who makes less than I do and saves 80% of it than someone who makes more and spends 120% of it.”
I’ve always made a fairly small amount of money for someone with a master’s degree, and I’ve mostly dated people who make a lot more money (engineers and computer scientists), like 2-3 times as much. I bring this up because of your first question. When I bought my house (as a single person), I had only four criteria:
* affordable to me
* convenient to the local university where I worked
* solid foundation
* big living room
(and not too dangerous or in a flood plain and other obvious stuff like that).
I figured I’d probably marry some richer guy and he’d want me to move to his bigger, nicer place, and then I’d rent my place out to students.
What’s actually happened is I’m in a long-term relationship with someone who did not already have a bigger house. We’ve found that we love our location and having a low-cost house. It’s small and thus cheap to air condition. It’s now paid off. And property taxes used to be cheap, though now our area’s getting gentrified, so that’s changing. All of my other friends live in big houses that are way too far away from the center of town and I wouldn’t prefer to live in any of them.
So back to your other question. My boyfriend generally makes more than me–up to 50% more when I was working, and could easily be double now that I’m living on a pension. But sometimes he gets laid off (like right now) in which case I’m making infinitely more than him.
My attitude has been that I don’t want to have to take the kinds of high-stress jobs that would give me a higher salary. I would rather live quite frugally. So we share our common housing costs 50-50. He really likes to eat out even though it’s pricy, so he pays for that. I really like to go dancing so I pay for that. But mostly we each pay our own expenses.
If he wanted to move somewhere more expensive, I would want him to cover most or all of the extra costs. If there were benefits to me, I should pay for them, but I’d mostly rather forego additional benefits than have to earn more money.
So my focus has been that I don’t want to feel pressure to earn more money to make things fair.
In addition, I do like a partner who is generally self-sufficient. Obviously, things don’t always go perfectly for people, but I also don’t want someone who needs me–only someone who wants me. So far this is working out for me.
I never had kids, but if I had, I might very well want one of us to stay home to home-school them or at least not have to pay for day care. Since I rarely loved my job and generally didn’t get paid well, I would probably want that person to be me (even though I generally find it more fun to break stereotypes and the woman staying home in a hetero relationship fits the stereotypes just fine).
The person staying home can do lots of jobs for free that help the person working outside the home save more money and also have more freedom to work for money, doing extra work and spending extra time allowing them to earn raises and promotions that they might not have been able to accomplish otherwise. So it can be very difficult to quantify the real income and savings improvement made possible by the efforts of the stay-at-home partner.
As far as dates, I was raised in the 1960’s and feel most comfortable going dutch. But with each guy I end up with different compromises. (With one guy, whoever asked did the paying, even after I warned him that I’d only ask him on cheap dates!) I feel like in my generation, men were still asking women out twice as often as women asking men out and same with paying instead of being 50/50 like it should be. But even for people only ten years younger than me, the pendulum was already swinging back the other way. Sorry, men, you shouldn’t have to be the only ones psyching yourself up to ask people out (it’s scary!) or having to pay!
Since my wife stays at home with the kids, all of her work is pro bono.
As for teachers, the ones around here make north of $80k after 15 years and a master’s degree. Not bad for 170 days of work (minus sick and vacation days) a year. I do appreciate the work they do and none of the teachers I know complain about the wages. My SIL in Michigan is just starting her teaching career with a bachelor’s degree and she doesn’t even make $30k. She makes almost as much in the summer with her nanny job, when you consider it is paid under the table.
I make almost exactly twice as much as my husband. I get a pretty big kick out of being the breadwinner, even though it’s hardly a groundbreaking thing these days for a woman to make more than a man. When the partner who earns less also works less, I think an income disparity can be a great thing for a partnership’s division of labor. My husband is a teacher who gets breaks and summers off, so he does a lot of long term projects and picks up more of the household responsibilities during those times, and I can focus on working and bringing in money. It works for us.
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I make about $5K more in wages and about $8K more in passive income than my old lady. That being said, if we ever had to go to single income, we would keep her job and I would stay home. She has the health insurance and loves her job. I just don’t mind doing my job because I like the people I work with. In the end, we are both working towards a common goal, so who cares who makes more.
After years of kicking Mr. SSC’s bum in terms of income, he switched to a new company last year and now makes about $10-20k more than me, depending on bonuses. Sigh… But, I try not to think of it as a competition, although I know it bothered him a little bit when I made more money, despite the fact that I have a higher degree.
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Mr. FW makes double what I do and its never been an issue for us. Our motto was always “somebody should be earning more and it doesn’t matter who!” Even though he makes more, we’re pretty egalitarian and non-traditional in our “gender” roles, so it has never really been a discussion for us. We’ve always just encouraged the other person to pursue what they love.
I think it helps that all of our accounts are joint–we view it as our money, which renders the source even more meaningless. For us, since we have the same financial goals and the same frugality style, neither of us has ever felt protective over our share of the loot.
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Interesting question!
I also think the nurse is being foolish for focusing on the income specifically.
Fair enough don’t get used for your money but just because someone earns less than you doesn’t instantly make them a scrounger!
The prospective partner could be spending time to better themselves in areas that don’t bring in money, like giving up their time for charity for example. I’d find that a desirable trait in someone, as it shows compassion, empathy, etc…
In terms of our income I make just over double what Mrs TFS does after tax. This doesn’t bother me in the slightest as when we met we were both skint, so I know she’s not in it for the money! 🙂
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Back before I met my husband I remember thinking that I wanted to be with someone who had similar earning potential to me but it was definitely more about motivation and drive. At the time I was making entry level money. I was in my early to mid-twenties and mostly I just wanted someone who was planning for the future one way or the other. I agree with part of what the letter writer is saying that she wants someone who has taken the time to better themselves but focusing on the dollar amount of their salary isn’t really what determines that.
At this point my husband makes more than I do but all income and expenses are shared.
I make 50% more than my wife does, but she doesn’t really think it is a bad thing. She has chosen to do a profession where she won’t make money to begin with and as long as she is passionate and happy about that I am fine. And the only reason it is this way is b/c I work a lot of extra stuff at my job to pay off a massive amount of debt. Eventually, my income will go down and we will have more of an equilibrium.
I think an even larger question is how involved is the spouse in finances. How much do they contribute? How does that work? That is something we are still negotiating and we have been married almost three years. But that is for another post and another day.
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Dad makes about 20k more per year than I do, although that used to vary when I got bonuses. I intentionally get paid less than I could because of other working perks (like wearing jeans every day, and 8% 401K matches – and free private college education for Daughter Person if she wants to come here). If I was willing to move to Silicon Valley or work for the federal government, I could easily be making 50k *more* than Dad. But I still want to enjoy my working life 🙂
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When I met my husband, he was unemployed, and I had two jobs. (we were teenagers, and he’s a little younger than me 🙂 Now, he makes about 4x what I make. He’s in IT, and I work 3 days a week at an office job, while our kids are at school. This way, I have time to take care of the housework and we can all enjoy our weekends together!
We opened a joint checking account after dating a few years, and I handle most of our budgeting and paying bills. There’s never been an issue with who makes more, since we share everything.
“Now, he makes about 4x what I make.”
Score! Put one in the “win” column for you.
“There’s never been an issue with who makes more, since we share everything.”
We are the same. I always thought other couples were funny when they strongly refer to stuff like cars as “my car” or “his car.” To us, they are just cars. There are better things to worry about!